How to be a standup comedian?

Itchy · Super Spammer Joined: 07 Apr 2005 Karma :

I'm curious to do this to make an extra bit of $$$ at the weekend , anybody any suggestions of any open mic nights in Manchester? ,

any suggestions

Thanks
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Spain 2008France 2007Big one 2009 We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will. In the end, your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it is worth watching.

Jesus_Christ · Spanner Monkey Joined: 25 Jul 2006 Karma :

Make me laugh, go on
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If you ate Stephen Hawking, would that count as one of your "five a day" portions?

Itchy · Super Spammer Joined: 07 Apr 2005 Karma :

it doesn't work via forums, late late nights in the chat room sometimes sure maybe ,
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Spain 2008France 2007Big one 2009 We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will. In the end, your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it is worth watching.

Jesus_Christ · Spanner Monkey Joined: 25 Jul 2006 Karma :

TELL ME A JOKE BITCH!!!

Twisted Evil

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If you ate Stephen Hawking, would that count as one of your "five a day" portions?

T1z3R · World Chat Champion Joined: 23 Oct 2005 Karma :

Jesus_Christ · Spanner Monkey Joined: 25 Jul 2006 Karma :

One step at a time!
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If you ate Stephen Hawking, would that count as one of your "five a day" portions?

T1z3R · World Chat Champion Joined: 23 Oct 2005 Karma :

ah very true i see your method now Thumbs Up

but you missed a step...

STAND UP BITCH!! Thumbs Up

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duck my sick!

Jesus_Christ · Spanner Monkey Joined: 25 Jul 2006 Karma :

Let me start you off.

What's blue and sticky?

Smurf Cum

Your go
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If you ate Stephen Hawking, would that count as one of your "five a day" portions?

yambabe · World Chat Champion Joined: 12 Jul 2004 Karma :

You need to speak to Rick Hulse, erstwhile chairman of the NABD and booker for a couple of comedy clubs in the city centre, also promoter and host of open mike nights in a number of pubs and clubs and at quite a few bike rallies.

https://www.nabd.org.uk/contact/index.htm
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Sod falling in love, I wanna fall in chocolate. Very Happy

veeeffarr · Super Spammer Joined: 22 Jul 2004 Karma :

Itchy · Super Spammer Joined: 07 Apr 2005 Karma :

Jesus_Christ · Spanner Monkey Joined: 25 Jul 2006 Karma :

a little boy runs up to his mother, saying "mummy, mummy! Why am I called Leaf?"
His Mother replies: "because when you were a baby, a leaf fell on your head".

The next day, his little sister runs up, saying "mummy, mummy! Why am I called Petal?"
Mother replies: "because when you were a baby, a petal fell on your head".

The next day, their little brother runs up, saying: "mmmmagagggggggggggggg" *dribbles*.
Mother says: "shut up, Fridge".

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

Christopher Walken!
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If you ate Stephen Hawking, would that count as one of your "five a day" portions?

Dark · World Chat Champion Joined: 02 Jun 2004 Karma :

T1z3R · World Chat Champion Joined: 23 Oct 2005 Karma :

map · Mr Calendar Joined: 14 Jun 2004 Karma :

A little boy is sat at the table for his tea.
"Mummy, mummy, do I have to eat this egg?"
"Yes dear, you do"
"...but, but, mummy, it isn't that fresh"
"Of course it is dear"
"...ok, but can I leave the beak and feet"

...I'll get my coat
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...and the whirlwind is in the thorn trees, it's hard for thee to kick against the pricks...
Gibbs, what did Duckie look like when he was younger? Very Happy

Jesus_Christ · Spanner Monkey Joined: 25 Jul 2006 Karma :

What's blue and fucks grannies?

Me in my lucky blue coat.

************

What do you call a black man flying a plane?

The pilot, you fucking racist.

*********

I was at a cash machine the other day,and an old lady asked me to help her check her balance... So I pushed her over.

***********

What turns a fruit into a vegetable?
Aids
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If you ate Stephen Hawking, would that count as one of your "five a day" portions?

colin1 · Captain Safety Joined: 17 Feb 2005 Karma :

id pay to watch jesus to standup
itchy you are losing this battle, come on you arent even trying

maybe i shd jst nick jesus's jokes and do a 2 minute stand up with a megaphone in the high street
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colin1 is officially faster than god

Jesus_Christ · Spanner Monkey Joined: 25 Jul 2006 Karma :

Mine only get worse and I don't want to offend.

I think i better stop

After this one!

If a biker runs over a woman, who's to blame?

The biker - he shouldn't have been riding around in the kitchen!

Oh sod it

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.
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If you ate Stephen Hawking, would that count as one of your "five a day" portions?

map · Mr Calendar Joined: 14 Jun 2004 Karma :

"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?"

"The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal", Thou shalt not commit adultery" and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment."

"I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it."

"Have you ever noticed, in traffic, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac!"

"Swimming is not a sport, swimming is a way to keep from drowning! That's just common sense!"

"I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary."

"When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?"

"One thing leads to another"? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict."

"I feel sorry for confetti. Its useful life lasts about two seconds. And it can never be used again."

"People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there, buddy?"

"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."

...not my own work, borrowed from George Carlin

P.S.

Jesus_Christ · Spanner Monkey Joined: 25 Jul 2006 Karma :

Now that gay marriage has become legal in the UK, Ikea has responded by exclusively releasing a new range of lesbian furniture in its British branches.

There's no screwing involved, and it's all tongue and groove.
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If you ate Stephen Hawking, would that count as one of your "five a day" portions?

Luke_Retrofly · Silly Lesbian Joined: 05 Jul 2003 Karma :

man looks at goldfish "GO TO SLEEP!!!!"
goldfish "I CANT!"
goldfish "I GOT NO FUCKING EYELIDS!!!!!!"
goldfish" I'm FUCKING KNACKERED!"

Wink

Luke
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Flounced - Long overdue
Fuck you bitch I'm in the top 10 list I can do the what the fuck I want!

dodsi · Dirty Carny Joined: 06 Aug 2004 Karma :

Luke_Retrofly · Silly Lesbian Joined: 05 Jul 2003 Karma :

something which deffinatly arnt
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Flounced - Long overdue
Fuck you bitch I'm in the top 10 list I can do the what the fuck I want!

colin1 · Captain Safety Joined: 17 Feb 2005 Karma :

well the devil may have all the best tunes, but jesus has the best jokes

forget standup, i think jesus needs his own tv show

mind you for stand up itchy might be ok. wdnt hurt to have a go

i saw one young chap who did standup and his whole routine was just having a chat with the audience and being pleasant and amiable, nothing he said was funny in the way you could repeat back and it would be funny

the audience liked him, i liked him, so he had a nice big round of applause at the end.
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colin1 is officially faster than god

dodsi · Dirty Carny Joined: 06 Aug 2004 Karma :