Is your aircraft well maintained?

[SoND]

Quantas Gripe Sheets

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft
during the flight that need repair or correction.


The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in
writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken,
and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.


Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and
problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded
by maintenance engineers.


By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.


(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)


P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.


P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.


P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.


P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.


P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute ascent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.


P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.


P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.


P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.


P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search!


P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.


P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.


P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.


P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
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Go back to bed - You have no rights - "Streetfighters ~ Mainstream motorcycling's crackwhore sister."

[Resurrection]

Seen these a few times but never fails to make me laugh

Res
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ZX9r

[Drew]

i'd rate it funny if you posted it 2 years ago

[Ghetto Rider69]

hahahaaa... hillerious, never seen it before
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Dont steal, government hates competition

[quacker_boy]

Quality SoND, never seen that before
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wizzzard wrote: Imagine God just stopping by, tidying your front room up and then quietly letting himself out again. Statisticly more likely to happen than Korn being on here.

[McGee]

[TheShaggyDA]

You missed :-

P: Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500lbs.
S: Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300lbs.

P: No2 ADF needle runs wild.
S: Caught and tamed No2 ADF needle.

P: Turn and slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.
S: Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!

P: Three roaches in cabin.
S: One roach killed, one wounded, one got away

P: Pilot's clock inoperative.
S: Wound clock.

P: Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
S: Pilot removed from aircraft.

P: Unfamiliar noise coming from No2 engine.
S: Engine run for three hours. Noise now familiar.

P: No2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No2 propeller seepage normal.
P: Nos 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

..and they're also called "squawks".
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Current: CB500 Previous: CB100N, CB250RS, XJ900F, GT550, GPZ750R/1000RX, AJS M16, R100RT, Enfield Bullet

[i:6e3bfc7581]But still I fear and still I dare not laugh at the madman...[/i:6e3bfc7581]

[colin1]

i havnt laughed so hard for ages
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colin1 is officially faster than god

[hybrid]

i'd heard the first few, but that second lot were also very good

[sagalout]

Just as old, but still funny, some Air Traffic Controller ones:

A military pilot had been having difficulty with smooth landings and the crew was required to make note of the exact time the plane landed at different bases. One particular landing took several bounces before staying on the ground. The crew reportedly called up to the pilot, "Which landing shall we note for the record, Sir?" (Ack A & M Martin)

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough for another one."

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I didn't land."

Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[fredsredhat]

quality post. i havent laughed out loud like this for ages.

[DEN MONKEY]

I used to work in a call centre for an Australian airline which may or may not have been mentioned in this thread.
We used to have to call out schedule changes to passengers.
Obviously some didnt take the news of a delayed flight too well.
However when advising of 5 minute delays (yes we had to) some pax would become very upset at this.

A colleague had tried to settle a customer with all the usual reasonings behind a delay but she would not let up.
In the end he said ok if you must know we have reschduled your departure because of the noise.
After a slight pause she bit and enquired as to what he meant.
He simply replied the noise of 2 planes colliding mid air on take off at the same time.
She even managed a giggle before she said "fair call"
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meh