Old Jokes

[tribal_tiger]

It's been a good while since we had a thread with some good jokes on in here.

Be them old or new just put up some stuff that you find funny.

As you might guess I'm bored at work!

Right I'll start

This guy decides to have a fancy dress party and decides that everyone should come dressed as a mood.

The bell rings and when he opens the door, he sees a guy dressed all in green with the letters NV emblazened on his chest. What mood have you come as, he asks? I'm green with NV he says.

A few minutes later he opens the door to see a young lady, wearing a pink body suit. She had a large feather under her crotch. What mood have you come as, he asks? I'm tickled pink she replies.

The bell rings again and there stand Paddy and Mick. Both are stark
naked. Paddy has his knob in a bowl of custard and Mick has his knob in a pear. Flabbergasted he says "What possible moods could you two be?"

Paddy reples "Oim fuckin dis custid and Micks come in dis pear!"



Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!".
"I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"
____________________
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris?

All of it.

[techierob]

my uncle paddy always had the best irish jokes
One of my favourites:

Paddy and Mick were walking home from the pub one night and pass a sign nailed to a tree that says "Tree Fellers Wanted".
Paddy pipes up, "It's a pity Seamus wasn't here. We could have applied.".

[Rookie]

Two hunters are out in the woods, when one clutches his chest, groans and keels over, right on the path. His friend grabs his mobile phone and dials 999.

'What do I do, I think my friend is dead!'

The 999 operator replies: 'OK sir, remain calm. Now lets just make sure he's dead.'

The operator hears some rustling and then a gunshot over the phone.

'OK, now what?'

[lozzypop1]

There was a Bear and a Rabbit in the woods.......
____________________
Funny, I used to hate being spanked as a child!
Tell me and I'll forget; show me and I may remember; involve me and I'll understand.

[Sephiroth]

[lozzypop1]

[Sephiroth]

[freestyler_onli]

This bear and the rabbit one...............

Is it the one about the 3 wishes or about the sh*t not sticking to it's fur?

Or other........

[McGee]

A man escapes from a prison where he has been kept for
15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and
guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the
guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying
the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, slowly
kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the
bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his
clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and
has not seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed
your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't
complain, do what he tells you, just give him
satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you. This
guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll
kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my
neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was
gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any
Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find it.
Be strong, honey. I love you, too."
____________________
◙◙► K6 GSXR 600 ◄◙◙◙◙► K5 GSXR 1000 ◄◙◙◙◙► K5 GSXR 600 ◄◙◙◙◙► 96 RF600r ◄◙◙
◄◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙►◄◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙►◄◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙►
Its pronounced Jixxer!

[McGee]

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......

* she called me to get my phone number.

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

*she tried to drown a fish.

*she got locked in tesco's and starved to death.

*she tripped over a cordless phone.

*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

*she studied for a blood test.

*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home
____________________
◙◙► K6 GSXR 600 ◄◙◙◙◙► K5 GSXR 1000 ◄◙◙◙◙► K5 GSXR 600 ◄◙◙◙◙► 96 RF600r ◄◙◙
◄◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙►◄◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙►◄◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙►
Its pronounced Jixxer!

[Gpz 900R]

Which is the odd one out
Dishwasher
Toaster
Woman
Washing Machine













Toaster- all the rest drip when they are fucked

[Jenks]

Two blondes walk into a building...




At least one of them should have seen it.



******************************************

A Man walks into a bar.............................................


Ouch.

*****************************************
An inflatable pupil goes to his inflatable school and is having a really bad day. Bored in his history lesson, he gets up and walks out. Walking down the corridor, he sees the inflatable headmaster walking towards him and he pulls a knife out and stabs him. He runs out of the school. As he gets outside, he thinks again "I hate school" and pulls his knife out and stabs the inflatable school. He runs off to his inflatable home. Two hours later, his inflatable mum is knocking at his inflatable bedroom door with the inflatable police. Panicking, inflatable boy pulls out the knife and stabs himself. Later on that evening, he wakes up in an inflatable hospital and sees the inflatable headmaster in the inflatable bed next to him.
Shaking his deflated head, more in sorrow than in anger, the headmaster gravely intones: "You've let me down; you've let the school down, but worst of all, you've let yourself down"
____________________
1978 MZ TS 250 1 Supa 5
1992 yamaha fzr1000 exup
1998 aprilia af1 sintesi

[freestyler_onli]

I said to the barman 'Have you any helicoptor crisps?'
He said 'No sorry - only plane...'

3 tomatoes are walking down the road. one lags behind and the other shouts to him 'Ketchup!'..........

If you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall...........

I played a blank audio tape at full blast last night. The mime next door went mad........

7/5ths of people don't understand fractions.

I got a fortune cookie in a chinese restautant the other night. It said 'You like Chinese food.'

[mrchips]

I got barred from B&Q the other day. I was minding my own business when some wanker in an orange coat came up to me and asked me if I wanted decking. Luckily I got the first punch in.
____________________
Northern Irish? www.nibikers.com

[Ste]

What do you do after you've had a baby?
Put it's nappy back on

Whats got two legs and bleeds?
Half a dog

Whats got six legs and two arms?
A happy rottweiler

Whats funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume

Whats blue and red and at the bottom of a swimming pool?
A baby who's arm bands have just burst

Whats green and red and at the bottom of a swimming pool?
The same baby, a week later

Whats black and has 27 tits??
The rubbish bag outside the cancer clinic

Whats blue and fucks old people?
Hypothermia

What do Michael Jackson and an X-Box have in common?
Both get turned on by kids

A paedophile leading a child through the woods at night...
"What? You're scared? I have to walk out of these woods on my own later!!"

What do you do once you've raped a deaf girl?
Break her fingers so she can't tell her mum

What's the difference between a piece of toast and French men?
You can make soldiers out of a piece of toast

Whats the best thing about sex with twenty seven year olds?
There's twenty of them!

Whats the difference between Princess Diana and the Queen Mum?
They both died pushing 102

Gary Glitter has taken over the England manager job.
He's put Seaman in the under 12s




I'll be back to offend more people later

[Flip]

Old joke?..

Two flys sitting on a turd. One farts. The other says "Do you mind I'm eating!?".

[garth]

What's Mary short for?



















She's got no legs.
____________________
You ain't a has been if you never was

[Bishbash]

My favorite bar joke.

1st man: I have to go to hospital tomorrow.

2nd man: What for?

1st man: I have to have a mole removed from the end of my penis!




*Pause*






1st man: Last time I shag one of them!

[LustyLew]

Ste!

Those are sooo wrong... MORE MORE!
____________________
Like a Yorkie - I'm not for the girls

[fenton]

how do you circumsize a priest...... kick the choir boy in the bk of the head

[tribal_tiger]