The Domestic

[Steve H]

Recently things haven't been normal at the Steve H household.

Here's another (long) example...

I live in a small quiet suburban cul de sac where absoloutely sod all happens - if someone plays music loud it'll be 'cos they're seeing if their speakers can cope with Il Divo at half Max volume - it really is THAT boring. I love it.

Last night at 8ish I was chucking an empty bottle of wine into the bin and heard a commotion at the door of the house at the entrance to the cul de sac. A bloke was banging on the door and was shouting something along the lines of...

'Let Me In you Fucking Little Bitch' to the owner of the house who is a single woman in her late 30's. I immediately assumed it was a bit of a prank as the domestic bliss of the cul de sac doesn't attract anyone who would use any sort of fockin potty mouth.

As the door opened and he walked in I thought nothing of it until a second later when I heard screams and yells that didn't seem to be prompted by a bit of jovial banter. I chucked the wine bottle in the general vicinity of the bin and sprinted across to the house and ran in using my spidey sense to locate the vicinity of the yelling.

This took me to the Kitchen where I opened the door to see the female homeowner on the floor with an upturned bin over her lap and a banana skin draped comically on her head. The bloke was bent over her shouting obscenities and I gave him the quick up 'n down look and thought to myself...

'Yeah, no probs, i can take this bird battering Tosspot'

I grabbed him pulled him away and from his bent over 4 foot 6 inch stance he grew to a mammoth 9 foot 3 inches (OK 6 foot plus - anyway he was a damn sight bloody bigger than my 5 foot 10 inch frame).

The next words I heard were...

'Who the focks this? Your fockin' Sugar Daddy'

As he turned his attention to me I was calmly stating 'Calm down Pal, Calm Down. I live across the road'. What I should've said was 'Fockin Sugar Daddy you cheeky twat - I'm bloody MILES younger than you and I also look younger than her on the floor with the bloody banana on her head'

He started going on about her doing the dirty on him and he wanted his dishwasher, beanbag and hoover back (I've precis'd his statement and left out the 'focks', 'bitches', 'frigs' and 'cunts' purely to save myself getting typographical RSI).

After a few minutes discussion I felt sufficiently comfortable to get the lady off the floor as the bloke ran out of breath (and profanities). I took her outside so she could get a rest from the tirade of abuse that was spouting from his mouth. Removing the banana from her head I asked her the stupidest question in the world...

'Are you OK Love?' to which she broke down in tears on my shoulder. These tears were somewhat shortlived however as a beanbag came out of the top window and landed where the banana had once rested. Next the hoover flew out of the front door followed by a few attatchments but this was peanuts to what was to happen next.

He disappeared past the front door back into the kitchen and I assume after rapidly gulping down a tin of Spinach came striding out carrying a Hotpoint front loader dishwasher, plumbing pipes trailing behind him, water pissing out of the kitchen from where the pipes had once been attached.

Then the Fuzz arrived - Goodness knows who called them but 2 wagons flew into the culdesac and Bodie, Doyle, Starsky and Hutch all piled out and carreered into the house hands 'n legs flayling as they slid all over the water soaked laminate flooring.

Thankfully Juliet Bravo accompanied the Keystone Cops and she took the jibbering wreck of a lady away to comfort her leaving me to clean up the smashed wine bottle that had missed my wheely bin by bloody miles
____________________
Mellow Yellow
The BCF Top TEN - 2010, 2009, 2008, The Original.

[Weedy]

Good for you mate, not many people would have had the guts to do what you did

Well done, and well handled
____________________
<CBT passed 16th Sept 2007><Theory Test passed 11th Oct 2007><Practical Test passed 19th Apr 2008>
OWNED: 2008 Aprilia Pegaso Strada CURRENT: Bikeless :'(

[bazza]

Move to a less pikey area.


____________________
"That's it. You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college."
'98 Ducati 750SS, '08 Suzuki GSX650F ©2004-2014, Bazza's Harmless Banter

[Black Knight]

In next weeks episode....


Naughty neighbour pronounces undying love for Steve H.
____________________
Where does a turn end? 'Where you can do anything with the gas you want to, where you are brave again, where your attention is free from the turn, where you are sure you can do it better next time; that's the end' - Keith Code.

[owdamer]

If that happened on my street no one would notice. They're all deaf, ignorant or couldn't care less.

[Silver]

If only the local newspapers were written like that...

[Sparks!]

Haha literally laughing out loud reading that, banana on the head, bean bag was the funniest quality
____________________
Current Toys: 06 Yamaha WR250F | Nissan 350Z GT | Tech 4 Homes

[michael j]

[craigie b]

Domestics are a queer thing.....you can steam in with all the good intentions of the world and then both fuckers will turn on you. Unless there was physical violence, I'd stay well back. I've heard my mum scream like she was getting the shit beaten out of her, only to storm the kitchen and see my stepdad cowering as my mum weids a breakfast stool at him......my point is you can't always assume because the woman is screaming that the guy is doing anything wrong.

But, good story Steve