Numpty alert!

[Mister James]

A totally random event that's left me quite perplexed, so apologies for any boredom caused:

I rode home on the reserve tank tonight, so I popped in for some petrol at the local garage. Tiredness and rank incompetence led to me spilling a bit of petrol down the side of my tank, so I picked up some paper towels and made sure it was all cleaned up. While I was doing that, I heard some ghetto smurf yell "Hey Blud!", and assumed that he was talking to another 'Urban' type. When he repeated it, I looked up to see a Mercedes A Class full of West African Ja-fake-ans glaring at me.

"Can you sort me out bruv?" spake the driver, gesturing at the pump. Bemused by the fact there were several free pumps elsewhere, I never-the-less shrugged and moved the bike forward a car's length. As I sorted out my helmet/gloves/tankbag/etc, I watched in awe as the inept Yardie wanna-be struggled to maneuver the world's smallest car into the huge space I had left for him. Leaving him to his re-enactment of the scene where Austin Powers gets a golf cart stuck in a narrow corridor, I strolled into the shop and spent 5 minutes browsing for my dinner, before paying at the till.

I left the store to find the said gentleman and his 3 uncomfortably-squashed-looking chums still to-ing and fro-ing in the deserted garage. His muckers tried to glare at me in a threatening manner, but I could tell their hearts weren't in it; it must be hard to look tough when your driver seems to think he's parking the Exxon Valdez.

I'm still convinced that it was some form of wind up directed at me, and I kept a close watch for Dom Joly on my way out.

If the driver is by some miracle reading this forum - bless your little cotton socks mate, I pissed myself laughing all the way home!
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>Soultrader Mister James, I bet you are a copper
>Bazza Wow. Eyes like a shithouse rat, you...

[pwntifex]

Which smurf was it?
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the warped one: This is a follow up from the thread 'my willy hurts'

[wikiwiki]

Beautiful!,
that's great, your description has me in stitches.
Nice one, hope you enjoyed your dinner

[colin1]

If I were you, I would have been tempted to walk over, hold out hand with palm upwards and say

"license and registration"

To be honest, I wouldnt have trusted them not to knock over my bike while i paid.
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colin1 is officially faster than god

[The Tot]

Wagwan, i betcha dat tingz be happenin in norf weezey blud?

Gotta love those ghetto bunnies; you know when you're in the norf west, or anywhere in london when you hear "wagwan, blud and merk" in possibly one sentance.
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The Tot 2019 Z1000SX - 2007 R1
Never argue with autism

[Mister James]

You might know the place Titz, it's the garage by the railway bridge at the bottom of Sarf 'Arrer, on the way to Northolt.

Streetmap

@Colin

I've spent all day laying down the law, I'm reluctant to do it when nobody's paying me for it!
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>Soultrader Mister James, I bet you are a copper
>Bazza Wow. Eyes like a shithouse rat, you...

[McGee]

I can just picture these guys doing that:

https://img123.imageshack.us/img123/3421/snatch14209c906bx7.jpg

Vinny:
What's the matter with that space over there?

Tyrone:
It's too tight.

Vinny:
"Too tight?" You could land a jumbo-fu**ing-jet in there!
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◙◙► K6 GSXR 600 ◄◙◙◙◙► K5 GSXR 1000 ◄◙◙◙◙► K5 GSXR 600 ◄◙◙◙◙► 96 RF600r ◄◙◙
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Its pronounced Jixxer!

[nick606]

i love that film mcgee have some

[st3v3]

quality McGee. Mister J, description was class
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Roger wrote: Women don't get damp for clingy puppies. Get some better happy pills, hit the gym & buy a medallion the size of a dinner plate. Job done

[Mark312]

Laughed at this one! Excellent!
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Currently Moto Guzzi 750 Strada, Moto Guzzi V35 Florida, previously Honda CB125T, RD250LC, RD80MX

[Mister James]

Incredible McGoo, you've met them too!


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>Soultrader Mister James, I bet you are a copper
>Bazza Wow. Eyes like a shithouse rat, you...

[TOM M]

Why does mcgee have a picture etc for every single sanario??? lol
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Now owner of a 1200 Bandit

[Ichy]

[Walloper]

[McGee]

[Wooly R6]

wagwan, blud and merk - what the ferk do they mean!!!
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R6 has been sold - 2004 Honda VFR VTEC now sold too - no bike at the moment

[Wooly R6]

ah - found some info on it

GHETTO LANGUAGE

This is the tounge of the aforementioned "Rudeboys" and also the lesser known "Rudegirls". Here is a rudelanguage translator for some of the most common phrases, though there seem to be new words invented every few nanoseconds so not all can be covered. Never mention to a rudeboy that he does not actually live in a ghetto. You may not live to tell the tale.

Warning: The following ghetto language translator may be disturbing to those of upper-middle class or above and those of a nervous disposition. Side effects may include nausea, dizziness, fatigue, extreme anger and the irrepressable urge to purge the city of these so-called "rudeboys" defiling the gene-pool. Read on at your own risk. Uncyclopedia accepts no responsibility for any injuries you may sustain subsequent to reading the following.

"You're gonna get murked" - You will experience a severe beating.
"I'm gonna blaps you up" - I am going to give you a severe beating.
"Brap brap! Thas how we do it in E10" - Yes sir, I believe the area I come from is far superior to the shanty town that you hail from.
"I'll mash your face up" - You may need some plastic surgery soon, old chap!
"Cuz", "Blud", "Blad" "Man" and "Bruv" - Terms used for anyone, friend or foe. "Man" can also refer to one's self. See below.
"Naaah, that aint serious!" - I find this rather unfair.
"Nah bruv, he bare boyed you out" - I believe that young man just insulted your mother.
"Don't have it cuz, don't have it!" - He insulted you. Now he must pay.
"Sick" - Can mean either good or bad, depending on how expression is placed upon the word.
"Man's gettin Vex" - I am becoming rather irritated. "Man" can also refer to someone else. See above.
"Cold" - That was a tad bit harsh.
"Bredrin", "Crew", "Man demz", "Gal Demz", "Homeslice" (can be shortened to "Homies")- A name for any assosiates.
"Wasteman" - Not, (surprisingly) referring to bin-men. It means a young man who is of no use to society.
"Wastegash" - Same as above, but a young lady.
"Bare" - Meaning extrememly or incredibly, or a lot of, for example "That's bare cold" (that was extremely harsh) or "He 'ad bare crack, blad" (he had rather a large amount of cocaine).
"Jack" - To steal.
"Menz" - Plural of Blad. Surprisingly can apply to women.
"Allow me yo phone, man" - Let me borrow your phone. There is an underlying tone of "If you don't let me borrow your phone I'll take it from you anyway and maybe I'll just forget to give it back..."
"Blad, what you got for me?" - I want to rob you of all your worldly possessions.
"What ends you from?" - I do believe we have an invader.
"I'll get ma shank on you blud." - I'm afraid I am going to have to cut you with my knife if you do not obey to my commands.
"Cum den." - I challenge you to a fight (A primitive version of "Come on then.")
"Oyster card" - Prepayment card for cheap teenage prostitutes.
"Bus me ya fone blud, or i'll pop-up bang ya!" - Would you mind possibly handing me your phone otherwise there might be dyer consequences.

dont really hear much of this around my neck of the woods
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R6 has been sold - 2004 Honda VFR VTEC now sold too - no bike at the moment

[SilvaRizla]

[Sephiroth]

[Dan 4RR]

Can I just ask why you didn't point to another pump and told them you were using that one, or would they of poped a cap in your bad boy ass!
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Humans....the largest form of cancer the world has ever seen!
Speed Cameras - Putting goverment revenue before public safety!

[Mister James]

[hellkat]

Wanksta, LOL.

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Not nearly as interesting in real life.

[st3v3]

[carlmalibu]

try living where I do.

Picture an estate full of african american/somalian teens-20s guys playing gangsta and dealing class As out of their parents houses.

Then they get into bikes.

at least 5 trailies have been ragged to shit around my house, a good few scootays too.

Best bit is they've now all bought themselves Gilera DNAs, and RS125s. the guy with the DNA is about 30 stone, and 5 foot tall. I've not laughed so much as when I saw him trying to race a car off the lights (picture a weebl on a scooterbike)

*sigh* gotta love sheffield
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Shine on, you crazy diamond
CB500, woop.

[Mister James]

Ahh Somali! Glorious land of truth and freedom - or so a fax to Tony Blair from one of my (criminal) inmates read. The poor dear was complaining that I had taken away his TV/phone/education/games for the trifling crime of threatening to rape one of my colleagues when there were no fugly gorillas like me around.

Back on topic, I think I'm going to get my head kicked in very soon, because now whenever I see a car full of bad-ass Mo-Fos, I can't help but stand there and watch them park on the off chance that I will get a repeat performance!
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>Soultrader Mister James, I bet you are a copper
>Bazza Wow. Eyes like a shithouse rat, you...