Un-frakking-believable!

[Mister James]

Last night I had my first shift back after a 2 week break. My first night is usually something of strange haze anyway, with the disturbed sleep pattern and all that - and last night was no exception. Correspondingly, my mighty brain wasn't firing on all cylinders when my radio chirped "Delta 1 - contact this location ASAP" in my ear, leading to the following conversation.

Comms - "Ah, James, it's Phil"
Mr James - "Hello Phil"
Comms - "Did you ride in tonight?"
Mr James - "Yup - just like I do every shift"
Comms - "So it's your bike in the shed near mine?"
Mr James "Yup"
Comms - "Well, you know that out-of-hours visit that just left?"
Mr James - "Mister James knows all things - continue, Mortal."
Comms - "Well, one of the women that came in is now squatting in the bike sheds pissing all over the shop."
Mr James "Blaugh?!"

Cue me chucking in my keys and running out of the Gatehouse to take stock of the situation.

It turns out the nasty minger had indeed sluiced her vile urine down the little gap between the two shelters, and it had seeped out in a 6 foot slick (reminiscent of the Exxon Valdez) that was seconds away from encroaching on my blessed machine!

Quite why someone (obviously gasping for a whizz) had just left a modern building with over a thousand rooms without thinking "Hey, I wonder if this flashy gaff has any toilets", instead deciding to take a leak in a floodlit area teeming with massive CCTV cameras - I will never know.

I am equally baffled as to why - after flooding half of South West London with a warm yellow tidal wave - she thought that one tiny little tissue dropped in the middle was going to magically make it all better?!

Hopefully tonight will be slightly less bizarre!
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>Soultrader Mister James, I bet you are a copper
>Bazza Wow. Eyes like a shithouse rat, you...

[killa]

PMSL!

I was reading it at first imagining someone holding the bars of your bike giving it a yellow soak.

Gross
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Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
Bike:- Yamaha TRX850 | Killas Biking History | Killas Gaming History | Killas autmotive history

[Fisty]

Hahaha what a dirty tramp, did you get a look at her?
____________________
Quietly and consistently taking the piss.
TL1000R | Hayabusa | ZXR400 | TL1000S | Bandit 400 V
Fatter and faster than Fret

[MaybeGuy]

i was hoping for some nice CCTV snapshots there...
pics or it didnt happen.
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Blue_SV650S wrote: it was a sh1te wheelie, but it proves that he can get it up in 3rd and can do angles. In summery, mattsprattuk is a gobby little sh1tebag, dopehead tw4t, but sadly for all of us, he probably isn't THAT full of sh1te!!
Kickstart wrote: Hi I tend to agree with Matt. All the best Keith

[UnknownStuntm...]

"pics or it didn't happen"

Although you DO get points for the paint drawing.....

[Mister James]

Sadly I'm restrained by all those troublesome data-protection act thingies - I'm sure no one wants to be looking at badly-packed kebabs pumping out effluent in a car park at night anyway, surely?

Except maybe McGee?
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>Soultrader Mister James, I bet you are a copper
>Bazza Wow. Eyes like a shithouse rat, you...

[UnknownStuntm...]

[Jaloopa]

Wow...
You must be... wait for it...
pissed off!

I'll get me coat
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mattsprattuk wrote: but at least the lifan could do like 104mph in 3rd gear

[Wafer_Thin_Ham]

[McGee]

It all went according to plan

Wait till you see what some old man does
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◙◙► K6 GSXR 600 ◄◙◙◙◙► K5 GSXR 1000 ◄◙◙◙◙► K5 GSXR 600 ◄◙◙◙◙► 96 RF600r ◄◙◙
◄◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙►◄◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙►◄◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙◙►
Its pronounced Jixxer!

[Mister James]

[hellkat]

Bleagh! Dirty mare!

Such is the quality of lowlife scum you deal with when your ambition leads you to become a prison officer.





(Anita's talked herself out of it, BTW: not wellpaid enough, LOL)
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Not nearly as interesting in real life.

[Jamie.]

She used the tissue to wipe her twat. Duh.

[plugger147]

I think she needs a doctor I've never seen piss that green.

For future "events" place a large bucket between the sheds and use as ammo for the next riot.
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Tristan the wrote: just whipped off my trousers to find a big bruise on my arse, caused by matt rear ending me...

[GodzGift]

Some people would have paid to watch her to take a piss (fetish I believe)
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Bike Level: Amateur | CBT Passed

[pa_broon74]

I may have mentioned this before, if I have; I beg your forgiveness , (actually I don't but I thought it would be polite...)

I was once in fixing some post office equipment, long story short: While waiting to get behind the counter I was standing with a memeber of the shop staff who was waiting to go down in the lift with some crap.

The lift arrived and there was a rather old and somewhat rotund woman squating in the corner with her grimey jogging bottoms bunched round her ankles pissing like a race horse. The doors slid serenely closed again as if nothing had happened.

The shop worker and I exchanged a look but neither of us said anything, I don't think we could quite find the words. Perhaps like me, she thought it was some odd joint hallucination.

That is all
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Didn't catch anything.

[MaybeGuy]

Lynn: ''maybe those people were caught short?''

Alan: ''They do it on purpose Lynn!''

that is all...
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Blue_SV650S wrote: it was a sh1te wheelie, but it proves that he can get it up in 3rd and can do angles. In summery, mattsprattuk is a gobby little sh1tebag, dopehead tw4t, but sadly for all of us, he probably isn't THAT full of sh1te!!
Kickstart wrote: Hi I tend to agree with Matt. All the best Keith

[Mister James]

I'm we've all (especially the blokes) been caught short somewhere and popped out of sight for a quick Jimmy Riddle - that doesn't compare with pissing all over the place in full view of the Gatehouse and the marked security cameras - at the prison where they are holding your nearest-and-dearest!

The poor sod locked up on my houseblocks was probably relying on these people to provide him with a reason to stay in the country, by proving he had links to nice 'normal' people!
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>Soultrader Mister James, I bet you are a copper
>Bazza Wow. Eyes like a shithouse rat, you...

[Ted]

Sort of reminds me when I got caught short in a multi-story car park about to go to a metal gig... there I was, vaguely 'gothed up' taking the longest slash I've ever done (well, maybe not, my record stands at 62 seconds un-broken stream!), when this car full of drunkards pulls up right behind me, in an empty car park, and three birds and a poof get out... and then notice what I'm doing!

Quickly finished up, and hopped over a wall, but the only way out was past them... as I past them the poof started going on about it being his birthday... I moved on in a hastilly fashion!

Good gig tho... 'My Ruin' ...not a very well known group tho...