Christmas cracker jokes

[jimbothe]

Come on people, please dont let me down. I am trying to find the stupidest and cheesiest xmas cracker jokes this year. The kind that make you laugh because they are so crap.


A few I had the 'pleasure' of opening up....


What did the sea say to the sand? Nothing, it just waved.

I was going to tell you a joke about a blunt pencil then I thought, no, it's pointless.

A lorry carrying a load of tortoises crashes into a lorry full of terrapins, it's a turtle disaster.

What do you call a woman who is good at catching fish? Annette

Oh the joys of cristmas
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[MarJay]

Where are the Andes? On the end of the Armies.

What do short sighted ghosts need to wear? Spooktacles.
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[jimbothe]

[Dragonfly]

I had the cheapest crackers given to me when I ordered my turkey. Got two but I can only remember one sorry.

What fish can be tuned? a tuna fish

How sad I know
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[jimbothe]

Look out MarJay, dragonfly is after your title


I got a text just now, not xmas cracker material but still funny I thought...

If you have a car with three chavs on the back seat and no music playing, what do you call the driver? Officer.

And now back to the cracker cheese..

Whats grey and lives in the Antartic? A melted penguin.

What do you get hanging from cherry trees? Sore arms.
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[Eddie Hitler]

One i remember is:


Why didnt the skeleton go to the party?

Because he had nobody to go with.

[jimbothe]

I see that and raise you...


What goes "ooo, ooo"

A cow with no lips.




*gone*
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[Jenks]

where does the dressmaker live?

On the outskirts.

roflmao
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[jimbothe]

Whats yellow and smells of bananas? Monkey sick


Whats green and hairy and goes up and down? A gooseberry in a lift.

What has handles and flies? A dustbin

There are two snowmen in a field. One says to the other, "Can you smell carrots?"


And just to get back in the swing of a funny joke...

Did you hear about the jumbo jet that had an all woman crew?
They had to change the name of the cockpit to the box office.
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[Burnside]

Whats brown and sticky? A stick

Why are pirates pirates? They just aaaarrrr
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[kitty kat]

Why is 6 scared of 7?
Because 7 8 9

heard about the tennis player who got arrested?
she was charged with making a raquet

why did the chicken cross the road softly?
Because he was only a baby & couldn't walk hardly
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[jimbothe]

Whats grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow?


An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in it's mouth.
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[RatBlack]

What do you call an irish man who steals your pint?

Nick Mcguinness.
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[2t-Screamer]

well ive only opened 1 cracker so far this christmas

Q: How many ears did captain kirk have?

A: 3 - his left ear, his right ear and his final frontear


oh how i love cracker jokes
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[PsychoHippy]

[jimbothe]

Harry made the mistake of reversing into a car boot sale - but on the plus side, he managed to sell his engine for a fiver.
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[2t-Screamer]

Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum?


He got stuck in Orbit!


what travels down your washing line at 100mph?


Hondapants
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[jimbothe]

What kind of snack do little monkeys have with their milk? Chocolate chimp cookies.

Did you hear about the man who lost his whole left side? He's all-right now!


Why did the chewing gum cross the road? It was stuck to the leg of the chicken


Customer: Waiter ! Waiter ! Theres a fly in my soup !!
Waiter: Don't worry Sir, the spider in your salad will get it
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[m0l0t0v]

Not Christmas Cracker but still great and I made a post on it awhile back.

What fish travels at 100mph in rivers?

a Motor pike

Why are Giraffe's necks so long?

Their feet smell really bad
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[revmaster222]

why are elephants wrinkly?

have you tried ironing one!

absolutely awful,

oh yeh and 1samarg exactly how many crackers have you pulled this xmas???
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[jimbothe]

Well my mum had a box of 24, I had a box of 12, my mate had a box of 12 and luckily they were all from different places so hardly any copies of the same jokes

Still have about 12 left in total for new year


any way heres another



One. How many psychics does it take to change a light bulb?
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[10 pence Short]

Why did the Postman sleep under the car?


Because he wanted to get up oily in the morning....



How does Jack Frost get to work?


Bi-Icicles..


Truly poor jokes
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