Manic Depression.

[nowhere.elysium]

Hi all. I'm still pretty new here, although I've been lurking for a bit, and have posted a bit recently.
God bless the anonymity of the internet, because I'm about to confess that I'm a manic depressive, and I'm having a really shitty time at the moment.

Anyone else got experience of this? I don't mean teenage depression, although I sympathise utterly: I mean the really grinding stuff that just doesn't ever, ever go away: it merely shifts between 'w00t, I feel grand!' and 'holy fuck, why do I bother?'.

You guys have kept me laughing and held my interest consistently for a while: I just love the sheer cross-section of lunacy that I see in this place. For that, I wanted to say thank you for all being awesome to read. I hope to meet some of you, in time.

I'm not likely to top myself anytime soon, purely because I'm far too stubborn to do something that silly, so don't worry - this isn't some kind of 'stop me before I do it!' post. That's a bit on the floppy-haired emo side for me... This is more of a 'another string to your bow' kind of thing: you folks can all officially call yourselves entertainers of the miserable bastards of this world, and hold your heads up high doing so.

Anyhow: I have noticed one significant benefit of being depressed as hell. Your immediate (as in here and now) anxiety levels drop to nothing. I'm still a fairly nervous rider, and today (while I was feeling really, really low) I managed to get my chicken strips down to about half an inch: I simply wasn't worried about cornering that hard. Anyone else noticed that about themselves in this sort of thing?
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'10 SV650SF, '83 GS650GT (it lives!), Questionable DIY dash project, 3D Printer project, Lasercutter project

[untitled_warrior]

my brother has and does suffer from this, it's a horrible thing.
have you read any self help books, off the top of the noggin i can suggest a few good ones, such as;

Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway
this is a great book, it really hits it home how its ourselves that hold us back and nothing else, even for people not suffering from your problem, it helps confidence and everything its a great psychology lesson for everyone. (simple lack of confidence doesn't make you any less of a man, just because most people associate it with "pulling birds" or getting the confidence to talk to people, it goes a lot deeper than that)

Life Strategies by Dr Phillip C McGraw
Yes its that guy that looks like a bear off the opera tv show, but fuck me, what an amazing book, real eye opener and brings a refreshing alternative outlook from the "feel the fear" book.

The road less traveled & the road less traveled and beyond
I personally haven't read this one, but its recommended.

I urge you to buy the first one (and the second one if you can afford it), they will really show you how to take control, i really hope they do help you.

do you find that your depression is different at different times of the year, like more depressed during dark and/or winter times and less during summer and/or bright periods ?[/i]

[nowhere.elysium]

No, it isn't seasonally-driven. Darkness has never been a problem for me; kinda convenient, given that I'm also 'blessed' with very strong photosensitivity.
I'll take a look at the books: I'm always up for something to read, so it'll make a change from technical manuals and sci-fi...
As for confidence: I don't have issues with being socially extroverted (when on the manic upswing, at least); it's apathy, more than self-doubt.
I appreciate the answer, though, and wish your brother well.
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'10 SV650SF, '83 GS650GT (it lives!), Questionable DIY dash project, 3D Printer project, Lasercutter project

[MarJay]

Hve the docs not put you on lithium?
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British beauty: Triumph Street Triple R; Loony stroker: KR1S; Track fun: GSXR750 L1; Commuter Missile: GSX-S1000F; Cheap project: CBR900RR FireBlade
Remember kids, bikes aren't like lego. You can't easily take a part from one bike and then fit it to another.

[jack_zxr400]

isnt it called bipolar?
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Previous Bike: ZXR 400
Current Bike: R6
Test Date: 8/8/2008-PASSED

[Sparks!]

[nowhere.elysium]

[Robby]

Go and see your doctor first of all. They'll run through the simple checklist (about 20 questions) and prescribe something, and make you aware of any counselling available. They may also offer to refer you on to the psychiatrist, but they would rarely do this right away.

The counselling offered is more likely to be a team of mostly psychiatric nurses dealing with the local psychotics and schizophrenics, but certainly worth chatting to. It's good fun, you can have a laugh about it with them.

As said above, you'll probably be put on lithium, and likely a fairly small dose to start with. It would be unlikely for a GP to try you on an anticonvulsant such as lamotrigine, although it is seeming to become a bit of a wonder drug for a wide range of mental health issues and personality disorders. A psychiatrist may prescribe it, depending how you go on with lithium.

So, in short, go see your doctor.

[untitled_warrior]

[igiyf]

il upload it in half hour---audio book

[nowhere.elysium]

robby - been there, done that. I was diagnosed as a manic depressive just over ten years ago. I've been through the whole fucking circus of 'professional' help a couple of times now, without any real kind of resolution. No, they've not tried me on lithium - I went through a couple of other antidepressants, only to discover some deeply strange side effects.

It turns out that Cipralex makes you weird. Very weird. For some reason, it also cranked my reflex speed up, too, which is definitely not on the list of known side effects.

I'm going to be getting a referral through the employee health bods at work, and hopefully it'll all move along faster than booking it through my GP: I'm in East London, so that's a 3-week wait, minimum, to even see the GP.

I might ask the doctor about lithium, as it goes. It seems to be the least questionable of the chemical treatments, and the most established, certainly. The trouble is, because my periods of mania are few and far between, I'm just generally treated for depression by itself.

Thanks for all your responses, folks: it's nice to see how many folks do actually give a damn about their fellow human being
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'10 SV650SF, '83 GS650GT (it lives!), Questionable DIY dash project, 3D Printer project, Lasercutter project

[igiyf]

https://www.2shared.com/file/5112953/ce4abc6e/Susan_Jeffers_-_Feel_The_Fear__Do_It_Anyway_complete_.html?

[nowhere.elysium]

Cheers
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'10 SV650SF, '83 GS650GT (it lives!), Questionable DIY dash project, 3D Printer project, Lasercutter project

[Visitor Q]

You're not alone. Both my dad and I have it quite crushingly.

I've never gone for medication (except self medication ) and try not to dwell on things. Seems I get to a trigger point of misery and then swing in to it [depression] for a while, then swing back out of it a week or so later.

I take it you're like me and completely perky when out and about too? Always takes people by suprise when they find out I'm actually pretty dark about most things.

As said, I just ride them now and try to avoid rash decisions.

For those who are curious, its very similar to a crushing comedown off of class-A's.

Oh and interesting you should point out the risky behaviour increase. I'm fairly certain manic depression is neurotransmitter dependent, and serotonin curbs risk AND makes you happy. Dopamine is your risk rewarder. Low levels of serotonin mean you aren't being nannied by your mind so much, and high dopamine means you get a big rush off said risks. In short, even if you were happy but with depression causing levels... you'd take extra risks.

Which probably explains why I find 100mph filtering very relaxing, and why I love MDMA so much
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China traffic/travel bike vid - When I make a sweeping statement, please add the word 'statistically' in to the sentence before you bitch...
From September 2014 to January/February 2015 I will not be using any English, nor reading any. As such, I won't be on here. PM at will, but I won't be checking/posting unless in emergencies. Certainly not for the first couple of months. Please berate me savagely if I break that rule...

[Robby]

MDMA is the best.

If you're getting nowhere with a GP, go and see a psychiatrist privately. Costs a hell of a lot, so getting some medical insurance off HSA or similar is worth it, if you don't already have medical insurance.

[Skudd]

How do you know? I go through highs and lows, the lows are, well not caring about the outcome, looking at things like lorry wheels on the motorway and wondering how long it would hurt for. The highs would be wanting to do things there and then but get frustrated and bad tempered if I'm not able to do it or others actions prevent me, so then go straight to the low and the thought get you back on the high, but that is normal for everyone.
So how do you know you are manic-depressive?
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Famous last words of Humpty Dumpty. " Stop pushing me "
Petty Anarchists look at "1984".............. The Visionary looks at "Animal Farm".

[Tonka]

Deep breath..........here goes........confession time!

I was diagnosed as manic depressive nearly 20 years ago, then it was renamed bipolar I have only ever told a few people and the response has been so devastatingly negative that I have really just learned to get on with it and if I'm feeling low keep myself fairly isolated until I feel better. In my experience there have been very few people who are genuinely able to cope with it who haven't experienced it as it's impossible to explain when you're down and once you're on a high, who cares!!

I guess the best thing about the internet is that anonymity helps a bit and somehow even if I'm feeling rubbish I can still read posts and reply without it seeming to bother me. Some weeks it can be my only contact with the outside world

The only thing I can offer is that you just keep going, as sooner or later the depression lifts and you feel better again. I manage the high stuff more stringently now, as I find the higher I get the lower I end up and I have never mastered the down side - it really is a beast of it's own. I'm convinced that the manic side is what has given me some of the best times in my life as I have no fear and push myself to my limits, so now with age and experience I have learned to accept the down times, albeit grudgingly!

There's little comfort in knowing that other people suffer too, but what is great to know is that you're not alone, so take care and remember that there are quite a few of us lurking around!
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'The core of a man's spirit comes from new experiences'
Suzuki SV650S (Clean); Yamaha XT250 Serow (Dirty)

[nowhere.elysium]

Skudd:

[Visitor Q]

[Robby]

[ish765]

Have experienced it to some extent for the last 15 odd years. I put a lot of it down to excessive weed smoking from a young age (a bit to much acid also ) but there are also deeper reasons for doing that, being bullied throughout my school years, having an overbearing parent and being not given the right kind of attention. All kinds of stuff.

What helped me is physical activity and I practise tai chi to relax, aside from working mussels deep in the body that store tension it also helps to promote stillness of the mind by absorbing your full, that’s (FULL) being into something. Also having a busy life helps. I know it’s all meant to be about chemical imbalance but I think there are often things that contribute to it. I try and stay away from the news which is often negatively charged and I believe can subconsciously have a very negative effect (especially UK news). I often get deeply get worried about things and they often come to nothing. This fear stops me from doing things that would give me new experiences. When your body is used to releasing certain chemicals it forms a kind of memory of it, I sometimes feel I’m putting myself in familiar patterns that seem to fulfil the body’s habit.

Once the pathways of the brain are set its hard for them to change. We don’t experience thing a fresh, just repeat the familiar. This is why I don’t think just medicating yourself is a good idea (to me). I had a good friend who was “ diagnosed” schizophrenic manic depressive and I never though any medicating helped them. Perhaps it suppresses the symptoms, but never helped the cause, and to my mind just added new problems. Messing with the brain is a no no in my book, and no I don’t feel weed helps, it’s just an escape, though its familiarity means I tend to distrust it less than other stuff.

For me there are things I’ve done (and do) that get me out of the cycle of highs and lows. Getting engaged with things in a purely dispassionate way helps. I feel it focuses the body into producing what it needs for practical things. I get a sense of well being from trying to engage my whole self in whatever activity. I feel this helps balance the chemicals because you are not demanding/ expecting / promoting there production.

I believe this is more and symptom of society and a sedentary life style than most people think. We like to draw lines and say we don’t have this, or we do have this. To my mind we all display these tendencies to some extent. The problem with acknowledging you have a “problem” is sometimes that it can make you more isolated and less able to effect it. It’s very easy to think its just the body doing what it’s not meant to. All of a sudden there is something that is “imbalanced” that is not there in “Normal” people. Nonsense IMO, I see so called bi polar tendency more and more within everyday society. I think there are underline reasons for its prominence other than bad body design.

For me the times when I work hard is when I feel more at ease. My head hits the pillow and my body relaxes because it’s fucked. Otherwise my energy all seems to go into thinking and this often builds as depression. I don’t feel anything is going to go “right” for me and even when they do the feelings are still there. Make’s sense because it’s not about circumstance it’s about how dedicated the body is to producing these chemicals.

If you don’t already, I recommend you at least open yourself to the change you can make to this. I’m not saying you can just “cure” it, but many people feel (because the physical stuff is presented as a known quantity) that it is somehow is beyond our help, or at least something the body can't fix or even help. For me it is not, and I know there are things which improve it.

“What the bleep do we know” Is good documentary to watch, if only to get thinking about the part we can play in our lives. And how the body works to some extent. It helped me take a more holistic approach to things. But knowledge is one thing, doing is another.

But in the end for me it’s about realising these small things that help (just a bit) and expanding them as much as possible. You are not going to be the same as me, so the things that help you are going to be individual to you. Just be mindful of what is really is helping and what is not. Often the things that just make us feel good don’t really help. But by the same token it is sometimes the simplest changes that can help the most. Though they can be hard to make.

At this time in my life I’m a lot more balanced than I used to be. I still have far to go. I don’t feel that underline depression and hopelessness half as deeply as I used to. It still comes and goes but I’m learning about myself and seeing the things that help more and more, and I know it's the things I have done that have changed it.

Small steps.
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RXS100 On the Road.

[nowhere.elysium]

Thanks everyone for your advice and kind words. It's helping a hell of a lot, in truth.
Update: I've been to the doctor's now, and he made me do this weird survey/questionnaire thing, which I didn't get last time I tried to get referred. Obviously I see the hole in the reasoning when it comes to taking a subjective test that leads to a certain amount of self-diagnosis, but I'm apparently 3 points off the whole 'strap him to the bed, and don't give him sharp objects' category. Kind of ironic, since I've already said that I'm *not* suicidal, nor do I self-harm. On the up side, it does mean that my referral gets the word 'urgent' stamped on it, so maybe I'll actually get seen this year.
Today was a shitter, though. Managed to have major bust-ups with even the most chilled out dude in the department.
I ended up even having to call my better half, and tell her that I can't come over tonight, because I'm being such a sack of shite at the moment, and I don't want to cause a meaningless row with the woman that I love.
Still, I'm hoping to take her to High Beech tomorrow, up to the biker hangout, because she's into forests and bikes, and I'm into bikes and bikes. And the weather's supposed to be nice.


Goddamnit. I hate feeling like this.
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'10 SV650SF, '83 GS650GT (it lives!), Questionable DIY dash project, 3D Printer project, Lasercutter project

[ish765]

Yea. get some sunshine mate.
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RXS100 On the Road.

[Phoenix]

Don't know about manic depression but things haven't been right for a long time, I've toyed with the idea of going to docs to see if I can get something to try and fix it but don't want it plastered all over my medical records that i'm a nutjob so I don't. Unfortunately I know that probably one of the biggest causes is my job, I just can't really afford or take the risk of quitting it, and it may not (probably won't) even help. One of the biggest problems for me recently is that I just don't enjoy anything at all, hence I don't really do anything. Spend all week waiting for the weekend, when it arrives I sleep the entirety of it because there's no point doing anything, or nothing to do, I then look foward to being back at work because it gives me something to do and feel like less of a waste of space.

[MarJay]