Recent jokes

[killa]

Anyone been sent some good'uns recently, email or text? Doesn't have to be sick jokes

I had this one today...
"A girl writes to a problem page: Dear Anna, i'm a 13 year old Irish traveller and im still a virgin..............do you think my brothers are gay?"
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Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
Bike:- Yamaha TRX850 | Killas Biking History | Killas Gaming History | Killas autmotive history

[killa]

No?
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Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
Bike:- Yamaha TRX850 | Killas Biking History | Killas Gaming History | Killas autmotive history

[Skudd]

No but your Dad is.
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Famous last words of Humpty Dumpty. " Stop pushing me "
Petty Anarchists look at "1984".............. The Visionary looks at "Animal Farm".

[pablouk]

I'm one of those people that hear good jokes all week long, then can't remember a single one when I need to.

Just pretend I've posted an epic joke and feed me karma accordingly.....
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Keeping The Nation Pissed
Do not anticipate trouble or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight. ~Benjamin Franklin

[warped one]

Anyone noticed that "Maddie" spell's...

I'm Dead

Thankyou and good night.

Warped
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amnesia - Never in the history of usernames has one been more accurate. Warped indeed. You sir are a fecking oddball.

[amnesia]

A big guy is sat at a bar next to a little guy.

The big guy turns to the little guy and smacks him in the head, knocking him off the stool.
"Thats kung fu from China"

The little guy shakes himself down and returns to his drink.

A few minutes later the big guy smacks the little guy in the head and says "Thats karate from Japan"

The little guy picks himself up off the floor and leaves the bar.

A bit later the little guy comes back in and SMACK!! - twats the big guy in the head, knocking him out cold.

The little guy turns to the barman and says...



"When that cunt wakes up, tell him thats a shovel from B+Q"



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25/7 I'm a God-damn Rock Star
"Arguing about the best 125 is like arguing which Spice Girl could sing best"

[The999Kid]

A recession beating woman turns to her husband and says

"If you cycle to work each morning we could get rid of the second car! you know how much that thing guzzles petrol"

"Even better" says he husband, "if you take it up the arse we could get rid of the nanny!"

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3 men and a woman are sat in a bar, talking about their professions. One turns to the group and says "im a YUPPIE, you know, Young Urban Professional Peaceful Intelligent Ecologist."

The Second guy pipes up "I'm a DINK, you know... Double Income No Kids"

The third guy chirps up and says "I'm a RUB, a Rich Urban Biker"

Quite content between themselves with their professions, they turn to the woman and ask her what her profession is

The woman picks up her pint and says "Im a WIFE.... You should know....Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc...."
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NDB 19/10/1989 - 1/11/2010 |Nowhere.Elyseum wrote: I get the distinct feeling that Tim should be our secret weapon for future trolling. I don't know many people that can rip the piss in Iambic pentameter

[RS2MATRIX]

got these two earlier

a husband and wife are in bed, the husband farts and says "1-0", the wife then farts and says "1-1", the husband then farts again and says "2-1", to find his wife fart again with a reply of "2-2". The husband then farts and shits all over the bed, the wie says "what the fuck was that?" The husband replies, "its half time, lets swap sides"

'nuvva one.

3 woman are sitting on a bench whilst a man jogs past, he rips his mac off to reveal his penis. Two of the woman have a stroke, the other one couldnt reach.
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Reiju RS2 Matrix
Kawasaki ZXR400

[MonkeyKnuckle]

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said....
'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we have heard that people in - Abu Dhabi Do.'

[The Disapproving Brit]

Jade Goody has been portrayed by the media as a heroine for raising awareness about cervical cancer, in spite of the fact that she forgot to have a smear test.

Last year, I forgot to turn off an unlit oven before leaving for work. The ensuing explosion killed my wife and three children.Was I portrayed by the media as a hero for raising awareness about gas safety?Was I fuck.



Too soon?
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Current Bikes: 1983 Honda VF400FD / 2003 Honda VT750 Shadow
Bike Test Passed 18/03/09, Car Test Passed 14/05/13

[Itchy]

A scouser walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque



He marched straight up to the counter and said, hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.



The social worker behind the counter said, your timing is excellent.



We’ve just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.



You'll have to drive around in his 2009 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.



Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.



You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.



This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job assignment, to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.



The Scouser, just plain wide-eyed, said, 'You're bullshittin' me!'



The social worker said, ' Yeah, well... You started it.
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Spain 2008France 2007Big one 2009 We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will. In the end, your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it is worth watching.

[Itchy]

At the end of a tiny, deserted bar sits a huge scouser bloke. Two 2 metres tall and 150 kilos. He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him.

After three or four beers the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big bloke. Leaning over towards the scouser he whispers, "Can I give you a blow-job?"

With this the massive scouser leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the car park and returning to his seat.

Amazed and shocked the barman quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that!" he says, "Just what did he say to you?" "I'm not sure", the big Liverpudlian replies, "something about getting a job."
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Spain 2008France 2007Big one 2009 We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will. In the end, your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it is worth watching.

[chillpill]

man phones up work , i wont be in work today im sick

hwy whats wrong with you ?

i fucked my sister

[killa]

A wife calls her husband one evening when he's driving home from work, she has to tell him what she's seen on the news as he might be affected by it.
The husband, although driving, thankfully picks up his phone...

"Darling, ive just seen on the news, there's a mad man travelling down the wrong side of the motorway causing havoc...please be careful!"

The husband replies "I know hun! There's fucking hundreds of them!"


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Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
Bike:- Yamaha TRX850 | Killas Biking History | Killas Gaming History | Killas autmotive history

[Ste]

You know Stephen Hawking is in hospital?
20 quid says the Windows Shutdown noise plays when he dies.

I wrote a book on penguins.
With hindsight, I realise that paper would have been easier.

I think Stephen Hawking should have definitely renewed his subscription with Norton AntiVirus.

If it's a crime to impersonate a policeman...
should community support officers be arrested?

[Koltu]

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.

sorry i just love the chuck norris jokes!
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CBT: DONE! Theory : Passed, DAS - 12/13 Jan, Mod 1 Pass! Mod 2 Pass! Bike Honda Hornet 600

[tribal_tiger]

Got a text yesterday that said:

After the recent spate of body part finds in hertfordshire, police are still searching for the arsehole, I suggest you stay indoors till this blows over.
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How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris?

All of it.

[AJI]

One a workmate got by text yesterday...


"I just saw Josef Fritzl on Family Fortunes. To be fair to him, he was doing pretty well, but it all went wrong when the question 'somewhere nice to take your kids for a treat' came up on the board. Apparently, 'up the shitter' wasn't one of the audience's answers..."
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TARMAC - Automotive blog *UPDATED 26/3/09 - Abandoned fuel stations to go electric? ~ Buy my eBay stuff!
You're gonna go far, kid

[mooserx]

Saw a hillbilly couple walking out of a divorce court,
the wife was crying her heart out,
husband said 'for fuck's sake stop crying you're still my fucking sister!
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TL1000r-handful.

[pa_broon74]

Text joke I got...

I saw a brand of bread named after you the other day. I looked again though and it said thick cut.

Also this pdf doing the rounds at work... Its just a pdf, no macro's or bugs... Well... It comes off the NHS network so... Probably a couple of bugs...


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Didn't catch anything.

[Moonie]

What do you call Bob the Builder in a Reccesion?

Bob.
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Don't practice it until you get it right, practice it until you don't get it wrong.
Presenting the one and only Chinkmobile

[dransy]

A man walks into a bar with a newt and says pint for me and a pint for the newt

The barman asks * why do you call him a newt?*

The man replies

*because hes my newt*

haha
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Being shot out of a cannon will always be better than being squeezed out of a tube. That is why God made fast motorcycles

[MonkeyKnuckle]

A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink,

The barman says, "Get out we don't serve your type here!"


And the mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fungai."






.........

[Howling TerrorOutOfOffice]

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached
his assistant.

'Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic I
Want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'..
'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:
'So,Murphy, how was your day?'

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.
'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.'

'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor..
'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir'
Says Murphy.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?'
Asks the doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young
gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue, she tears
off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and
lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!''

'Tunderin' Lard, Murphy, my boy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.



I put drops in her eyes!'




Pat
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The Harry Turner Project

[Ol]

In a survey, when asked if there were too many immigrants in the uk:

23% of people said YES

5% of people said NO

72% of people said المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من
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