People dying... warning - gross details!

[Feasty]

I have no idea why I'm really writing this except to perhaps get it out of my head and get peoples opinions and thoughts.

Just under 3 weeks ago I found out my dad was dead (heart attack), he lives 2 hours away from me on his own in his own house. It appears he'd been dead for about 3 weeks before anyone noticed and eventually got the police in.
Now my family (3 sisters, 2 brothers - I'm the youngest by 7 years)) and myself suffered a lot under him - all different kinds of abuse, some physical, mostly mental i.e bullying to the point of not being able to have any friends, own opinions etc. So when I left home at 18 (15 years ago) I wiped him out of my life, just like all my family did. 2 years ago my mum finally plucked up the courage to divorce him, and that was the last time I saw him, a sad man in the courts trying to stupidly argue why my mum shouldn't be divorcing him! Previous to that I think I last spoke to him about 12 years ago.

It was a bit of a shock to find out how long he'd been dead without anyone noticing but not really a great suprise, since he shunned his family away as much as 'most' of the family ignored him. So in many ways he's already been dead to me for years.
According to the police and coroner the house was in a mess, plus my sister went to the house to look for a will but didn't find one, she also said it was in a state and the smell was awful. No-one seemed willing to go to the house to sort stuff so I decided to go with my mum since me being the youngest, I was the only child to have lived in this house previously with my mum and dad. Well the stench was awful, the bathroom floor was covered in puke, his bed was covered in puke and quite a lot of blood. There were lots of maggots wriggling around and lots of flies. We ended up sticking everything in bin liners, chucking the mattress on the roof rack and taking it all to the tip.
Since then the funeral took place last week, I've had 2 weeks off work (1 week as holiday) and am now back at work and carrying on with life as normal. the only thing outstanding is what happens to the house, his car etc, etc - which is a very messy business due to 'in-family' arguments over how it should all be dealt with.

Thing is, I haven't shed a tear, I don't really feel very emotional about it and haven't really spoken about it to anyone a lot. I don't see the point. I've always kept things to myself deep down, shut stuff off (like most of my history of being at home) and just remain pretty passive about the whole thing.
I can't tell if this affects me as a person in my relationships, in my work or any other way. But surely to have gone through what I have, in particular the more recent clearing up and thoughts of maggots feasting on bodily fluids etc and not have any emotinal effect from it can't be a good thing!?
Perhaps I just deal with this kind of stuff very well or perhaps I have a bottomless pit in which I can place all my bad feelings and memories to never be seen again. Maybe one day in the future it'll all bubble up and I'll go on a killing spree before committing suicide (okay, that last one was a joke) but seriously, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to deal with this, if indeed I need to deal with it at all!?

Anyone had anything at all remotely similar happen to them?


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Previous: Aprilia Habana Retro 50cc (beauty), Yamaha SR125 (fell apart), Honda XR125 (nippy little commuter), Honda SLR650 (Geewhizz), Yamaha Diversion 900S (Smoooooth) written off courtesy of a stupid escaped horse.
(7 year gap), BMW F650 (Relaxing ride). Aprilia Caponord ETV1000 (Big and bold). Yamaha FZS600 (got me in trouble too quick!).
Current: Yamaha TDM 900 (Comfy, light but big, power when needed).

[J0Al1]

No thank God.
What a mess people can get into, its all so sad.

[The Artist]

I think seeing people dead and all things associated with death is scaring people too much because of society these days.

Think about it, in other countries less developed, death is seen as a good thing. The bodies are open to see and burnt to send them on to the next life or whatever.

Some things are disgusting and unless you yourself are comfortable with seeing them then no it's not a good thing. Some people would be deeply disturbed by the a dead body or things like you saw but others wouldn't but then I can imagine in later life you seeing a therapist and them taking you back to your childhood to sort it out but maybe I have been watching too many films.

If you think it is affecting you, I strongly suggest you speak to someone qualified about it because asking us isn't going to be much use, we are not you and I know for a fact if I saw stuff like you describe I would be violently sick and probably think about it all the time.

If you feel fine about it, and there isn't even a tiny bit of you that feels a bit strange or disturbed then ok but speak to someone. I would

[Feasty]

[UnknownStuntm...]

It might not be affecting you now, but I reckon it will in time. If you're worried, go see a doc and ask for a short term session with a councillor. I reckon since you care enough about the issue to post it here you've obviously got something going on there. Better out than in.

[piazza]

Same sort of thing happened to me.

He was a cxnt now he's dead.Closure.

Just my opinion of course

[Dragonfly]

[iooi]

[Feasty]

Well that is the one thing that does piss me off, I was the only one prepared to go to the house and sort this mess out. My sister even went in there looking for paperwork and didn't bother clearing the worst of it out.

The bickering isn't really about the money in that sense, he doesn't have anything much, and what he did have will just about cover the cost of the funeral and solicitors fees. The house is already owned by a bank that he just paid rent to while he was alive. The problem lies in possible costs incurred because he kept the house in such an awful condition. Part of the agreement was that the house should be in a good condition and it certainly isn't, therefore possible charges could be sought. What needs to be found out is if we as a family would have to pay these or not... and I bloody hope not!!
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Previous: Aprilia Habana Retro 50cc (beauty), Yamaha SR125 (fell apart), Honda XR125 (nippy little commuter), Honda SLR650 (Geewhizz), Yamaha Diversion 900S (Smoooooth) written off courtesy of a stupid escaped horse.
(7 year gap), BMW F650 (Relaxing ride). Aprilia Caponord ETV1000 (Big and bold). Yamaha FZS600 (got me in trouble too quick!).
Current: Yamaha TDM 900 (Comfy, light but big, power when needed).

[nowhere.elysium]

I wouldn't worry about the relative lack of feeling. There's this overbearing assumption that as soon as someone dies, one should instantly be in floods of tears. This is simply not always the appropriate response, in my opinion.
There's been a couple of deaths i my family of incredibly unpopular people - the only reason that anyone cried was that they felt they'd lost the chance to try and straighten things out with the person involved (offspring, specifically). No-one missed them, per se.

Don't feel guilty, and don't get worked up about the fact that you're largely detached from it. If you have to foot the bill for the house's disrepair, then I'd insist on an even split. Consider it a visible point of closure, I guess.
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'10 SV650SF, '83 GS650GT (it lives!), Questionable DIY dash project, 3D Printer project, Lasercutter project

[Mrs Kickstart]

Hi

Money owed by the deceased weather in unpaid bills or as charges due to the condition of the house will be made against his estate. If there is insufficent fund then they dont get paid. The family wont have to pay.

There are benefits you can claim to help with costs you can also say you are estranged and have nothing to do with it.

If you organise the funeral through the co-op they include free legal advice which might help you sort things out.
Most stuff is just form filling and you dont need to pay someone to do it.
This site has a lot of useful advice.

Regards
Charlotte
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Help fight the safety camera partnerships -- www.pepipoo.com

[growler]

You do find that people that have been abused in some way don't show feelings or even seem to have them at all

I myself have a real hard time showing any sort of emotion when confronted by death or major illness
You will find that you become a very good actor!

But when it is some one you care about don't worry you will know

don't worry about not showing emotion for some one you really shouldn't be allowing to effect your life any more

hope this makes sence to you
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DILLIGAF

[el_oso]

some people just are not emotional people.
thankfully i have a very good family and set of friends and haven't really had anything truly terrible happen to me but even when something bad does happen many people say that i just don't show any emotion. which i think is true. i can just deal with stuff. heck things may bother me but not for a long period of time. i just don't see the point in wasting time on things you can't change like death. remember the good things and move on

[LimehouseCBF]

I agree with God Father
I havent seen my dad for 6 years through his choice and you just get on with it, but i do find myself wondering often what if something like that happened, although my dad was an arsehole etc if he died what would i do and how would i feel and i would regret not making things up - then again it takes two to tango

a good question to ask is do you regret not trying to work things out

a friend of mine was in a similar situation and his dad found out he had cancer and had 6 months to live and his dad contacted him and they reunited and now hes been alive way over what he was predicted, is this the sort of situation it takes for one to repress years of hurt for a moments of forgiveness?
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And on the 7th day the lord said..lets get pissed

[Flip]

[Clanger]

I imagine I will feel much the same way as you do now, when my mother goes. Absolutely nothing.

You may feel a pang of something in the future, and if you do, go and speak to your mum about it.

In fact, it might be an idea to see if your mum needs someone to talk everything through with, as she was with him the longest, and had children with him. She might need your stability and understanding right now. Let her know you are there for her.

Don't worry about 'not feeling', my guess is that you did your grieving for the loss of a parent many years ago.
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter won't mind - Dr. Seuss

[Feasty]

Well I guess I'm just one of those who doesn't get very emotive about this sort of stuff, when my mum goes that really will be different though - I can tell that straight away, thankfully she's got a good few years left in her yet!
My wife is quite the opposite, she gets overly emotive half the time as far as I'm concerned. Unfortunately I don't think she understands me brilliantly because sometimes she likes to offer the shoulder to cry on so to speak and I just don't need it, I don't always explain myself very well in these situations though so hardly a suprise mixed messages get put about...

My mum is being supported and thought of a lot through this so no worries there, I guess we all just need time to grieve in our own ways too... thanks for the input guys n gals!
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Previous: Aprilia Habana Retro 50cc (beauty), Yamaha SR125 (fell apart), Honda XR125 (nippy little commuter), Honda SLR650 (Geewhizz), Yamaha Diversion 900S (Smoooooth) written off courtesy of a stupid escaped horse.
(7 year gap), BMW F650 (Relaxing ride). Aprilia Caponord ETV1000 (Big and bold). Yamaha FZS600 (got me in trouble too quick!).
Current: Yamaha TDM 900 (Comfy, light but big, power when needed).

[colin1]