Bullying?

[UnknownStuntm...]

I'm not saying it's right or wrong. It is what it is. I'm sure most of us can recount a time when we were bullied at a young age, and how we felt about it, and I'm sure than if we're completely honest, a large percentage of us here have gone too far with taking the piss out of someone, and have indeed been bullies themselves.

I feel sad when I think about the kid I picked on a couple of times at school. There are many reasons I did this, I think at the time I thought that's what you did, there was a pecking order and you all got picked on by the big guy, and there was a weasel that always got picked on by everybody.

But recently, as a grownup, I've come to see it in a slightly different light. And I wish that I'd been able to see it like this when I was younger (and being bullied). It seems like on teh internetz, it's all magnified - this anonymous forum (not BCF, the net in general) provides a shield to hide behind. And when this shield is in place, the piss taking starts and mob rule kicks in. I'm sure that in each and every case of online bullying, if you put the two people together in the room, the bully would go quiet and nothing would happen. It's the anonymity and the mates that back you up that push it further and further, then it goes too far, and everyone's a bully.

Of course, the people who seem to be bullied a lot seem to be the types who are victims in life. They might have a disability, or gingerism (I know I'm doing it now, but I kid, I kid), or be fat, or something that makes them stick out from the crowd around them. If you're not able to answer back fast enough, you start to take the punches. and it all snowballs from there.

I'm interested in the usual suspects' opinions on this?

[JonB]

I am fortunate in that I have never been bullied and obviously I can't appreciate how self-deprivating it must feel to be subjected to such mockery, however; I like yourself feel a constant regret that niggles in my mind. When I was five I used to beat up this kid for fun. Most lunchtimes and for what reason? I have absolutely no idea. But I was a child and these things happen, but I do wonder if my actions 16 years ago still burn a physical scar within his memory and whether I have had a permanent effect on the way he lives his life. I still see him about from time to time and still I haven't the guts to ask if he remembers it and offer my apologies. It makes it more tragic in that he is a little retarded and his social skills aren't all that, I do wonder if those three months of infantile bullying may have been the cause of this.

Maybe it is just me that remembers the fights and as a result of the bullying, I am the one who has suffered the most? If you can look at it like that.

As a consequence, ever since I was able to truly differentiate between right and wrong I feel a real pain in my heart whenever I hear of someone being bullied and quite often at secondary school I stuck up for the guy who got picked on. Maybe some kind of redemption. I certainly could never really bully anybody since that point.

I also think you are right about the internet, IMO this is far more worrying than conventional bullying as although punches may hurt, psychological bullying can be as soul destroying. Which is why I have some of the views I do on domestic violence, yes men punch women from time to time and for that I condemn them, but as many women i'm sure psychologically admit blows to their respective partners and IMO they too should be condemned, but that's another thread.
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Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it?s worth.

[Tonka]

[Flip]

I think as children you're normally involved in one end of the bully scale if not both. (The bully and the bullied). I don't think kids realised how damaging the torments were until the recent anti bullying work by celebs etc.

I think I've told this story before but...

In a pub ordering a pint, when this lad says 'ello Phil'. I look up at the stranger whos about a foot taller and two foot wider than me, smile and drink my pint.
Him: Don't remember me, do you?
Me: No mate, sorry.
Him: You used to call me poo flake...

[colin1]

I used to see it as a black and white issue. Bully bad, victim good.

However, a more accurate way to look at it is power games.

Power games are part of life. Pecking orders are part of life. To my mind, the key is showing a little restraint. So to my mind, to win the power game is enough. However for some people, its not enough to win, they get pleasure and confidence from grinding the other person down.

I happen to think that's wrong, but maybe it can be a good thing for the strong to reinforce their self confidence with the complete humiliation of those inferior to them.

Whats appropriate, depends on the setting and the situation.

I would agree, that on BCF there is a bit too much unpleasantness, but sometimes it can be a bit tricky to decide who started it.

Someone can unintentionally or otherwise transgress some rule that someone else holds sacred. They step in and order compliance, and feel justified in using all means necessary to make someone step in line.

Its not nice, but it provides order and control, which may be beneficial in a way, as most people will just follow the will of those of higher status, or more able to be unpleasant.

There are lots of power games, one upmanship etc

If you are good at one type of game, you will see that one as valid, and one you arent good at as invalid and unfair.

In an ideal world, at the slightest unpleasantness, there would be mass disapproval, and the one stepping out of line would learn to be nice or leave, but maybe that in itself is unpleasantness. What tends to happen, is someone can be quite entertaining in their unpleasantness, and people like their strength and dominance.

So if the 'victim' cant expect help from an outside all powerful entity like a teacher, they either try to conform to the 'bully's requirements, or they learn to put the bully in his place.

The other thing is, the 'bully' often doesn't see himself as a bully, and is just playing rough, and may want someone he can respect to stand up to him and play rough too.

It can be a form of play, testing people out.

Or it can be because they dislike someone, and intend to drive them away or beat them into submission so they cease trying to assert themselves at all.

Power games, is a better way to see it, as often the 'bully' is acting to redress some perceived imbalance, or maybe reacting to some hurt they received from the 'victim' which gets overlooked.

However, often, the 'bully' enjoys the kick from power games and have a feeling of contempt for the weak.

It's a complex subject. Power games, dominant behaviour, etc

Kids raised in a controlled environment where everyone is nice, may be unfairly insulated from the world and may not be toughened up enough to deal with the outside world, where many situations are not controlled, so dominant people naturally rise to positions of power.

Arguably skill at dominant behaviour is more important than intelligence to get on in life. Often the highest paid people, are more dominant than intelligent, but they confuse their dominance for intelligence.

Typical patterns for dominant behaviour include focussing on the weakness in others, and the strengths in yourself. Never admitting to weakness, and exaggerating strengths. Pushing boundaries to see where the limits to acceptable behaviour are. Arguably, we need dominant behaviour in society. Without bosses or leaders exploiting the workers, would the workers still have jobs ?

In some cases yes, in other cases no.
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[colin1]

[Flip]

Sorry Col the end of the story is lame.

After I stopped laughing, I apologised (bearing in mind this was a primary school thing), I waited for a beating, after all, 20 odd years later he still remembered. But I think he appreciated the apology. He said something about kids will be kids, chatted for a bit then fcuked off.

[Visitor Q]

Meh, I was bullied rather ferociously throughout my formative years (Big, intelligent, honest and hyper. Great combination).

And it's why now, I'm the confident and unflappable git I am now. Serious trial by fire.

If the weak can't take it, fuck em.

Re: recent events, this is the one place you can air out problems/theories without the usual social contract. That is the charm of this place. The fact that sometimes people are diametrically opposed to said views, well then you don the flame suit. If you can't take it, which he seemed to be perfectly capable, then don't incur the wrath.

The internet is a scary place etc etc.
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From September 2014 to January/February 2015 I will not be using any English, nor reading any. As such, I won't be on here. PM at will, but I won't be checking/posting unless in emergencies. Certainly not for the first couple of months. Please berate me savagely if I break that rule...

[Flip]

[Visitor Q]

[Flip]

It happens though, some kids can't take it.

I'm referring to the real world not the internet.

[Kickstart]

[Flip]

[Howling TerrorOutOfOffice]

I was a twat.

Pat
Less twattish now
EDIT. In my defense i organised a mass strike at primary school. At the end of dinner time we refused to go back in. Alot of us were treated bad by a teacher so i passed the word around. Voila ..the school dinnertime footy match continued. Ahh happy days. I was bullied by the hardest lad in school, so one day i ran upto him, punched him as hard as i could and pegged it all one fluid motion.
As i was joint fastest runner i just 'kept on runnin' Forest' obviously he finally cornered me, broke my nose and we became best mates (we were 9 ) Terror ensued
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[UnknownStuntm...]

Well there are some frank opinions there. Thanks people. And I am kinda glad I got a little of it off my chest and didn't get the piss taken for it.

Now, the point I'm going to make may polarise opinions, but quite frankly, meh.

If the people who have been pretty obnoxious recently here (you know which thread I mean) were to find themselves actually speaking to the person they'd been bullying on here, would they carry it on in person? I mean, all this appears to be a group of people taking the rise out of someone who's (for whatever reason) obviously not able to defend against a crowd.

See, I'd like to think the bullies wouldn't do it in person. But I'm not so sure. I reckon they would. And I can totally see some of you involved in 'happy slapping' and the like. Going just too far.

[karoshi]

[Visitor Q]

[D O G]

[JonB]

I didn't know what thread you was on about, but I guess it was the 10-pager of the scooter rider.

I was actually appalled at some of the behaviour of a couple of individuals. It is over-ridingly obviously he has social interaction issues and yet people seem to think he is "fair-game". Fair game my arse, IMO, they were picking on someone who couldn't give what they had recieved.

Attacking somebody who is mentally unable to defend themselves is pretty damn low IMO. You can't even claim that he really brought it upon himself, especially not intentionally.

Of course, looking at that thread, my view appears to be in the minority, so I end my piece here with the expected disagreement from most members.
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Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it?s worth.

[UnknownStuntm...]

[D O G]

[UnknownStuntm...]

[D O G]

Ok, I have. PM sent.

I said I would post his responses to my questions here, unless he tells me he doesn't want that, in which case I'll just summarise.

That's if he answers that is!

[Blau Zedong]

I think the X9 guy is HFA (high functioning autisitic).
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[MarJay]