Title changed - truly fucked now - any suggestions at all?

[c_dug]

New post at bottom you can skip the first 15 or so posts if you cant be bothered to read them.


I have been writing this for half an hour now and it is still far from finished, it is now 3:30AM i have to be up for work at 7, i will finish this tomorrow evening, if somebody could reply, even just in the form of a bump it would be handy so i dont forget, thanks.

This is mainly written so i can get things straight to myself, im not really expecting much in the way of replies, but i will take anything said aboard. It is kind of long but like i say it is more to get things strait to myself.

First of all i want to make it clear that dispite how this post may come across i do not think that i have the worst life ever, i am fully aware that there are plenty of people in far worse situations, however i've not made a good start of adult life and this is a way for me to re-assess everything. Neil (the_godfather) if you read this, do me a favour and dont mention it to dean/kyle etc... please, that would kind of ruin the whole benefit of internet anonamosity thing

Im not sure where to start so i guess ill tell you where i am at the moment. This isnt going to be written in the best order, ill just see how things flow into each other.

I am 19, i have a 4 meter x 3 meter room in a shared house, it is costing me £390pcm which includes all my bills. I work part time for menkind and have done for the past 2 years.

As i write this i am begining to think this is a stupid idea for a thread, however i am convinced that if i can get things written down i may be able to get things in line.

I ended up moving out in october last year, i wasnt exactly given a choice in the matter, although i was given a few warnings, my dads final reason was that he was moving in with his new wife and things would be hard enough for her taking on a 14 year old daughter without an 18 (at the time) year old son to deal with as well. My mum has been off the scene since i was 15, i havent seen her in 2 years, the story behind that is long and i wont go any further into it in this thread.

When i first moved out i had a full time position arranged at a store with menkind in basildon i started this in september 2008, this meant i could easily afford to pay my rent and everything for the month. In jan 2009 the decision was made to close the store i was at as it had been pretty much a failure over christmas, i was moved back to my original store with my original part time position and hours, obviously this involved taking a big pay cut. Since Feb i have been living on wages ranging from £550 to £990 a month, usualy towards the bottom of that scale.

If i get payed £600 in a month, and £400 goes on rent, there is an obvious issue of only having £200 to live on. £200 does not go far. My dad luckily transfers me £20 a week.

For a while i have been trying to get a job with the firebrigade sorted, this failed, spectacularly, do a search for my firebrigade thread if you want to see how badly i failed at that. The point i will make is that i was late to the interview.

I have been told recently that i am my own worst enemy, i think that is right.

At basildon due to some staff issues i was made a supervisor and key holder, i was in charge of cashing up tills and opening and closing the store as well as managing the staff.

Recently i was told that my store is recruiting a new supervisor, after 2 years of working for them, including working as a supervisor obviously i took this as quite a giant kick in the bollocks! I asked chris my manager/area manager why i wasnt being considered, he told me it was because of my constant lateness. I am rarely late for work, i turn up normaly 2 minutes before my shift starts, he told me this wasnt early enough and for him to consider me for the role i would need to be regularly turning up 10 minutes or more before my shift starts. Obviously after that conversation i started turning up earlier, however it was too little too late. Chris has said that he is considering placing me in a new permenant store in nottingham if i want to take up the position, After being screwed around at christmas i am not sure what to make of this.

Anyway, so at the moment i am part time, I regularly end up with nothing in my account, this brings obvious issues of food and petrol. Luckily for me i have a very good set of friends, who do their best to make life easier for me, however i always feel (rightfully) in debt to them. I would like to add here a massive thanks to neil (the_godfather) since without you mate there is no way on earth my bike would be on the road. My bike is a major issue, without any extra income it is slowly dieing since i do not have the money to spend on up-keep. As the thankyou would suggest, when neil is back from uni we normaly bodge it back to good condition as best we can
I have always been a very confident person when it comes to social gatherings etc... however when i owe so much to my friends with no way of ever paying it back, it is very hard to feel confident and happy, to put it bluntly i always feel like a bit of a cunt, like i dont deserve how well my friends treat me and how much they help me out. I havent told them this, hence the messege to neil at the begining of this post.

c_dug

To be continued tomorrow evening
____________________
I am a bellend, I am a man of constant sorrow, I am a gummy bear, I am a rock.

[el_oso]

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

i won't say anything dude. i probably won't remember when i do eventually go to sleep and wake up. been up since half 7 yesterday morning. and for some weird reason just went for a ride down to bp this morning for some more death sticks in full motorbike leathers on our push bikes. man it was hot!!! got a few good reactions though.
anyway sure you would do the same for me and have done in the past. you are a ledge mate which is why we help you out. no one else is surviving like you. all i have to do is provide my beer money for uni the rest is paid for.
i still stick at what i said before in moving into a smaller house like a flat as it will be cheaper and gives you some extra dough to play about with. hey may not be ideal but its just my advice

be back in a week or two with some fork seals that need replacing

[.....]

Are you a student? If not then why are you working part time?

Get a full time job and you should be clearing a grand a month or thereabouts making your life much easier.

Get out of retail - I've done it in the past and it's crap hours with crap pay.

Get yourself into a nice cushy office job for now - better pay and shorter hours with weekends off (and hopefully plenty of totty).

Trawl round the job agencies with your CV re-written with a slant towards that kind of job on a day off and see what comes up.

[J0Al1]

[technophobe]

c_dug, firstly, you always came across as way older than 19 to me for some reason. I'm not sure why, but take of that what you will.

From reading your post, your manager/area manager is an ****, but then, that's how he's got to be so high up in the company. People like that generally do what they can to keep those below them exactly there, below them.

Neil et al, keep up the good work! It's friends like you that really make the difference - and from reading c_dug's post, I've no doubt that he's every intention of repaying whenever & however he can.
____________________
Riding isn't dangerous, crashing is. A 'good' ride is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' ride is one after which you can use the bike again.

[J0Al1]

My thoughts . . .

Your Dad: In lots of ways he has done you a favour. For you to see how tough the world can be for money at 19, its good that you now have a realistic head on your shoulders. Use this knowledge to your advantage.

However, the reasons for his actions I'm not sure I agree with. It must have been really hard when your Mum left and not to see you’re Mum for two years - sad! As for you being asked to leave for an un-related lady because she would find it hard. . I'd say, tough, if she loves your Dad and vice versa, they should have made the best of the situation with you as part of the family household.

£20 a week . . humm, guess that may cover fuel to work and is better than nothing. Does he do that for you or to make himself feel better?

Your work: That’s bad luck about the company closing. Like someone else said, can you not work full time? I've recently become part time and boy do I struggle on £900 take home with a child (government make up £100 of the £450 cut in TAX credits).

I think your only option is to battle on looking for something better.

Your Friends: If they are real mates and you continue to be grateful then they will not resent you. I have sympathy here too as I myself get more help than I should from my folks at age 32. . Dad throws me the odd £10 to pay for drinks if I'm ever going out, or lobs me a bottle of wine if I’ve got a mate coming around for a drink. . I feel indebted.

Hopefully, one day you will be in a position to help them. We all have spells off hardship or bad luck in our life. I can not wait for the day that I can 'treat' Mum to something or throw a party and pay for all the drinks at my place. . . in the mean time, it's 'Thank you' as much as i can. . . as long as you don't presume they will help.

Perhaps you can help them with non-monitory things . . ie re-decorating, ya kow offer your gratitude in that way

I'm not sure if any of this help, but if it does, and you do take it abroad, then please send me a picture of it on the beach.

Good luck

[el_oso]

[Hadies]

I say go for a new job. I only skim read the thread but I think the kind of thing I'm doing would be suitable for you.
Im 19 myself and moved out at 17. I live in a rented flat of my own and work full time for Akzo Nobel, a pretty big company in the chemical industry. Im also currently doing a part time chemistry degree course which last 4 years just for a Bachelors degree but its all fully paid for by the company. All I'm required to do is pass every module with at least 50% and my job is safe and guaranteed one when I graduate. There are a fair few companies that do this now and the pay is enough to sustain life comfortably.
Consider it. It is hard work but I think its worth it in the end.
Good luck

[c_dug]

Ive written the next bit to the original post but i though i'd right this bit first, just as a responce to the first replies.

Joe you pretty much hit the nail on the head with the job thing, next post covers more of that, i got a glimpse of that post earlier and its what got me thinking while i was at work so thanks.

technophobe, i'll take the age thing as a compliment.
I've dealt with alot of family related shit since i was about 13 so i didnt really have much choice but to grow up quick and be mature around the house, i guess thats the kind of thing that makes us who we are as adults but it might be why i seem quite mature for my age i guess.

Monkeypie, i have no idea why he transfers the money but his motive makes very little difference, the money is the only way i make it through the month either way I wont lie, he has helped me alot finantialy in the last year, unfortunalty im pretty certain most of it is so i would move out and stay out. I get on with my dad really well but, well i dont know where that is going, but either way living with each other caused constant arguments.
As for paying my friends back in other ways, i am a very hands on person, i end up jumping in when things need doing, so i have helped with things like car sound systems etc... where i can, the thing is i would do that whether i had money or not, so that doesnt feel like any sort of pay back.
Also i wish i was buggering off to another country, alass my wording was aboard rather than abroad, as in i shall listen to what is said.

Neil mate, i dont think i really need to put anything here. (also when we are doing your fork seals, my brake light is stuck on, i will need to borrow some WD40 )

Hadies, you will see in my next post that i am having a cock of a time getting any sort of half decent job, applications for things like apprentaships etc are pretty much going unanswered.

Anyway, ill paste the rest of the original posy in the next post.

c_dug
____________________
I am a bellend, I am a man of constant sorrow, I am a gummy bear, I am a rock.

[c_dug]

Rather than edit that post i guess i'll continue here. Its going to be another long one.

What neil said with regards to my boss is right, its a small company, we only have 6 or 7 branches, it is small enough that i am on first name terms with the company director and have met the company owner quite a few times. I guess ill right a bit more about my manager down there ll
V

Anyway, writing that first post up there seems to have worked a little, had a think today and as some have you have pointed out my main issue is money/job related.

I need a better paying job, that much is obvious, and while i have made a half arsed attempt at claiming housing benefits to help me out, claiming money from the government is something i want to avoid, its just how i was raised, so my attemp to claim was half hearted and i am letting myself fail at the first hurdle, as above i am my own worst enemy

My dad is constantly on to me about going into london with CV's to all the big shops and there are jobs at lakeside in other shops, however i see retail as dead end and i am avoiding it as much as i can, i keep telling myself i am going to go and hand out CV's and then when it comes to it i simply dont.
I have tried several times to get office work, i have nothing to offer them though, i have mediocre GCSE's, AS levels dont get a mention on my CV, that was a waste of a year at college! I also have a basic motorcycle maintainance qualification, howeve due to getting kicked out of home i couldn't carry on with the course.
So i have tried going through agencies, most of them dont really want to take me on because my experience is all retail based, i have had some point blank refuse to take my CV because of that, im guessing these days they are over run with CV's.

Anyway, if im honest im not the sort of person who could sit in an office day in day out, hence the attempt for the firebrigade.

I think as im writing this i am realising that it is all mainly excuses, i dont want retail, but at the end of the day according to my CV its the only thing that im good at. Its just very frustrating to see all my friends doing very well for themselves and im stuck looking at a future of a dead end job, i know im smart enough to do much much better than that but with my qualifications people wont look at me twice.

I think its a psycological thing but i feel that if i move to another retail job it is just resigning myself to a life of retail, where as if i stay with the company im with it is just me waiting for something better to come along.
I'll jump back to chris (my manager) for a minute, i get on with him quite well, but i always get the impression he thinks im an idiot, he mentions using me for this and that but i dont think he will.
He has mentioned the supervisor role in the nottingham store, neil is at uni in loughborough so i know people in that area and i wouldnt have a problem with moving there, i guess in a way i would see it as a fresh start, however for a while i think chris has been keeping an eye on me at work, assessing how i would do, obviously i am concered because he didnt give me the supervisor position at my current store, if he doesnt give me this position then my last 2 years of work for them have been a total waste of time to be honest.


I have mentioned the lateness issue and i am doing what i can about that one, i dont believe in fate and luck and all that crap, however sometimes it does seem as though everything is out to make me late Anyway one of my other main issues at work is that i am clumsy, and accident prone, im not really so bad at home and out and about socialy, so i dont know why im so bad when it comes to important things, I have the same problem when it comes to things like fixing my bike. It becomes very frustrating when im at work and i know chris is watching me (that gives the impression that its nerves but it isnt) and then somehow i manage to knock a whole pile of stuff over, right infront of him, or cock something basic up on the computers.
I guess in a way its a good thing that i failed at the firebrigade inteview, if i was a fireman i would probably cut somebodies leg off with the jaws of life thingies by accident

* * * *

So anyway, im not really sure what i should do, or even what i want to do when it comes to a job, either way this month money wise i am pretty screwed but next month i should be ok, i am doing alot of hours at the moment and we still have fathers day to come, our busyest period after christmas. I should know about nottingham in july, however if that doesnt happen then i have just wasted another month and a bit.

I dont really know where im going with this anymore to be honest, ill right some more later if i think of anything.

c_dug
____________________
I am a bellend, I am a man of constant sorrow, I am a gummy bear, I am a rock.

[el_oso]

yo man. i dont think i have any more wd40 left. i wasted it all i think.
i think i have some chain lube at mine behind the car if you wanna go round and sort it as i won't be back for another two weeks of whatever
anyway. do you know if anyone is coming up on the 19th as there is like some major parties and the friday saturday and sunday. should be ace. dean said he would but thats all i heard.
then hopefully i should be able to get all my stuff back in one of their cars. otherwise i got to hope i get the car back from the insurance or get my dad to come pick me up

[c_dug]

lol PM dude thats what theyre there for.

Anyway, im ringing you, pick up the phone

c_dug
____________________
I am a bellend, I am a man of constant sorrow, I am a gummy bear, I am a rock.

[Mac_Black]

Reading through your posts it's weird how I can relate to actually most of what you've said in a very similar way... That is to speak of general circumstances so I'll tell you what I'd be looking at if I weren't at college right now (motorcycle repair and maintenance as it goes )

I'd definitely be looking at full time, you're not on part time by choice, I appreciate that.
I did allot of preparation towards the RM up until last year, but I lost my focus and decided I best undertake this college course whilst I could still get payed to do it as it would be a nice thing to fall back on it later life.

So I'd suggest the forces, I'm not thinking about it at all right now but what I would say if you're interested in that is that make sure you know that it's something you'd want to do as I can imagine it would be hell to get stuck in there when you decide it's not for you.

If you're game then firstly explore as many career paths as you can and try and talk to as many different people as possible (anyone you know that may have served, recruitment staff, maybe even wild goose etc.)
so this way you can get a better understanding and see if there's anywhere that appeals to you.

After you've decided on a few possible options start training and getting yourself into the right sort of shape (physically, mentally and intelligently), start the application process and be dedicated as fuck.

This is where I ultimately let myself down, after a good year of preparing I was constantly having people tell how hard it was,
it felt like everyone was either trying to discourage me or tell me I wasn't good enough...
I used this as a reason to succeed, to prove them all wrong and to be it got me to my peak though I never felt I was doing as much as I could be.

After a number of hurdles through the application process (unsure about entry due to Asbergers, then being cleared but then having to wait due to an unspent conviction) I became disheartened and lost my focus, eventually believing I wasn't up to it.

The problem that I had then is that I felt all this hard work etc had been wasted and whilst I'd dedicated all this time and effort my peers had shot up and some of them were earning silly money all ready.
So another thing to think about it whether you would want to sign up at an early age or get a few things out of the way first.

Like you I also looked at the Fire brigade, having been on a Lifeboat/ S.A.R crew for a year with SRT and RYAII qualifications I still feel I could look at that in a few years if need be.

Sorry I digest,
Other places of employment that I'd consider would be production line work/ anything down you're local industrial but there seems to be an extremely high demand for this type of job atm and in the current climate companies are reluctant to take on staff.

Is there nothing you could do in the motor industry?
I know that this again is a hard one as I appreciate that you won't have the time/ be able to fit unpaid work into your current lifestyle...
but I know of a few people that are going into unpaid work at local companies in order to gain a possible employment in the future etc.
This is an unlikely option that I personally would like to take if it were feesable atm, which I don't feel it is... but you might still want to consider it if you'd like to get into the industry.

I'm too tired now to remember the other things I was going to suggest but if anything hit's me then I'll get back to this thread but I will say good luck anyhow.

/Edit Oh oh oh just a quick one, haven't kept up with this one but contracting IE laboring... see if there's any of that sort of stuff going on if you know any of the tricks.
Also I like to think that if our current economic climate/ shit state of everything really is as bad as it was at the end of WWII then at the end of it there's going to be a golden age of fresh opportunity etc...
If you grab at the chance and put your business head on you might become the next big manufacturer/ NOT RETAILER / inventor etc whatever of the future.
Just don't let people tell you that you can't... Can't doesn't feature in your vocabulary

[Mac_Black]

I am also a pretty self destructive person in my nature...
The best thing for us is to Dream, look towards the future and be optimistic... It's what's always got me through.
I'm currently depressed at hopefully the end of a very hard time and I've only made it worse for myself by thinking negatively.

It's hard to break the cycle but if you can be determined and start making some positive steps then you'll be off to a good start.
Maybe if you have the opportunity to do anything that you wouldn't usually or
haven't done before then now might be the time to do those sort of things,
even little things like random walks etc...
Might help you to see things in a different way.

Oh and one more: Grounds Keeper etc for the council, if the pays good enough of course... TOTTY EVERYWHERE

[Kwaks]

Read your posts, couple of points I took, conclusions I reached.

First, go easy on your dad, he sounds like he is one of the good guys and is trying to help where he can, all the family crap you went through from 13 he went through as well, so understandable he wants a quiet life now.

I never got on with my dad growing up, not until that day I started my first full time job. Now we work on the same oil rig and even go powerboating together

I think your area manager sounds like a good guy, lets face it he is approachable and was honest with you to boot In his position I would not promote someone who turns up 2 mins before start of shift either. Hopefully that lesson sinks in and you start turning up at least 10 mins before and are on the shop floor ready to start at your alloted time.

In addition, don't dis retail, you could be surprised at what retail experience can do for you in later life. At your age I was a part timer in an electrical store, before going full time and eventually becoming assistant manager. When I left retail after 7 years I thought no more of it, until I was going for a job as a Material & Logistics Controller, when that experience of stock control came in very handy on my CV.

I suggest either showing your area manager how consiencious you can be or moving onto a FT retail position until you find something that excites you, Good Luck
____________________
Fallen Angel "Nae sniffing my seat now!!!!! "
www.cliqueycuntsmcc.co.uk
I AM NOT A FAST RIDER!!!!!!!!!

[J0Al1]

[el_oso]

[Clanger]

Move house. Get yourself something for cheaper. You will find your money goes a LOT further. I pay £300pcm for my converted garage (no bills).

Try and get accommodation closer to work if possible, then you can walk there and back, and not incur any petrol costs.

It's nice that your Dad transfers a bit of money into your account, he doesn't have too. Be thankful, that is a good gesture, however small.

Find yourself another part time job perhaps to top up what you earn already? When I was at uni I had 3 part time jobs.
____________________
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter won't mind - Dr. Seuss

[nowhere.elysium]

[c_dug]

While my job is part time because of how long i have been at the company i get offered any spare hours that people drop out of, next month i should be fine, i did 46 hours last week and im doing 38 this week, plus there was a bank holiday the other week which is double pay. Unfortunatly months like that are few and far between.
To be honest i really hadn't considered finding something nearer to work, that was a bit of an oversight! I have a day off tomorrow, that will give me something to do I dont live in a student are so i am unlikely to find something that cheap, i think £300 would be the cheapest thing i could find. I have been very reluctant to move to a cheaper place because the location i am in is pretty much perfect for everything else but work, hadnt really though of moving closer to work

Oh, and dont get me wrong i am very greatfull to my dad, he could have left me on my arse, i owe him alot of £ though now, he isnt counting the £20 a week, but things like my deposit for my place etc is all added up on an excel sheet at his place, that is fair enough though

Anyway thanks for all the advice etc

c_dug

c_dug
____________________
I am a bellend, I am a man of constant sorrow, I am a gummy bear, I am a rock.

[alliamc]

I worked in retail so I understand how hard it is to get out! To be honest going into retail was the biggest cock up I made with my life and everything went downhill from the day I walked into that shop, I don't think I've recovered it yet 7 years on, but I'm still trying!
Anyhoo, have you considered sales? I found that loads of companies considered me because of my years of customer service. If you're likeable and chatty then sales might be right for you, but it is target driven so miss your targets and you won't last, however if you hit targets and you're in the right industry then the rewards could be huge. Just an idea, otherwise get into an office job, it's boring but as someone said before it's monday to friday so you get your social life and most offices rarely go past 5.30pm so you can even have a whole evening to yourself.

Good luck either way, sounds like you deserve a break
____________________
Alli x
https://www.bikepics.com/members/alliamc/

[c_dug]

I thought I had everything was begining to work itself out, menkind offered me the position as supervisor at tunbridge wells, with a likely future move to bluewater which is alot closer to home, I have been helping set up tunbridge yesterday and today to keep my hours up, ready for it to open next week.

Yesterday on the way home my bike began to misfire on one cylinder, and would only run above 7k rpm, I struggled home like that, it was gone 10pm and I had worked for 12 hours shifting rubble and crap about, so I went to bed and forgot about it.

Chris (my boss) has been very worried about giving me a job so far from home because my bike has never been overly reliable, so thismorning I deciced to struggle home with the bike on one cylinder, this is a 45 minute journey so it wasnt easy, but I need the job so I did it anyway, so far so goodish.

I got out from work today to discover some cunt has stolen my rear footpeg/exhaust hanger, it was definetly stolen and didnt fall off on the way to work, with no way of properly securing the exhaust I wedged it on as best as I could and tried to ride it home, predictably it fell off within a mile of the store.

So now i'm 50 miles from home, with a bike that only runs on one cylinder, and has only one exhaust silencer. With nothing else to do (phone got cut off last week so couldnt phone anybody) I had to ride it home. By the time I got home the temp gauge needle was buried well into the red zone.

So now I'm at home, I have no phone, my bike is completly fucked, I have had no money at all for the last two weeks and I dont get payed till the 28th, I cant get to work at lakeside or tunbridge wells, and if chris finds out my bike is completly fucked he wont give me the position at tunbridge. They have already employed my replacement at lakeside so my job there is gone. My dad has just had an offer on a house excepted so he has no money to lend me.

I am back at work at tunbridge on thursday, so i have tomorrow to sort something, if it isnt sorted I will loose my job, I have no money to sort anything.

I really have no ideas what so ever, for once I can truely say I have hit a proper dead end.

Any suggestions or do I just give up?

c_dug
____________________
I am a bellend, I am a man of constant sorrow, I am a gummy bear, I am a rock.

[D O G]

You need to fix the misfire, at least then it will get you there...loudly.

Is there really absolutely noone who can help?

Last week I threw my bike down in the street, twice, whilst screaming obscenities at the top of my voice and kicking it, because the cunt wouldn't start.

A new set of plugs that evening sorted it.

Fixing the misfire should be your #1 priority, and accomplising that will make you feel better.

Do not give up, that never, ever helps. Deciding to stop is acceptable, but not giving up.

[c_dug]

Not got money and I owe too much to my friends and colleagues as it is, plus I have no spare money to pay stuff back and looking at not having a job at all so I really wouldnt want to borrow any more, so replacing parts is out of the question.

I don't have a garage or any tools at all, the only person who has the knowledge and the tools to help me out is the_godfather off 'ere, who is on holiday at the moment untill sometime next week.

Phoned my dad earlier for some advice and he pretty much just shouted at me for 20 minutes about how it's my own fault that i'm in this situation in the first place.

c_dug
____________________
I am a bellend, I am a man of constant sorrow, I am a gummy bear, I am a rock.

[Flip]

The more I read on this forum the more I realise that I have a really decent Dad. No friends with a bike to borrow until yours is fixed?