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Best mans speech on Friday

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Villers
World Chat Champion



Joined: 13 Sep 2004
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PostPosted: 18:24 - 02 Sep 2009    Post subject: Best mans speech on Friday Reply with quote
Welll its squeeky bum time Shocked Ive gotten my speech written, while its not amazing its factual and Ive got some good lines in there.

The thing is im bricking it big style now its rapidly approaching. Ive wound myself up watching those stupid 'best ever best man speeches' on youtube that consist of a wedding group and about 15 guests all laughing their tits off and I know that Im stuck with about 150 guests that I dont know from adam Sad

Anyone got any last minute advice, stolen one liners, invented one liners, wisdom, words of support etc they can share??
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The Original Muzza
World Chat Champion



Joined: 09 Jan 2009
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PostPosted: 18:30 - 02 Sep 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote
Show up drunk and call everyone a wanker, particularly the father of the bride. Your friend will advise against you giving a speech at all, problem solved.
No need to thank me. Thumbs Up
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Current Bikes: Husqvarna Svartpilen 401 (2020)
Former Bikes: Honda MSX125 (2014), BMW Funduro (1996), Honda VT500 (1983), Yamaha FZR250 (1989), Suzuki GZ125 Marauder(2005),:Triumph TT600 (2002) (stolen)
From then on, I and the bicycle feelings deeper.
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Villers
World Chat Champion



Joined: 13 Sep 2004
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PostPosted: 18:33 - 02 Sep 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote
Oh but I want to thank you!!
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Ste
Not Work Safe



Joined: 01 Sep 2002
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PostPosted: 18:41 - 02 Sep 2009    Post subject: Re: Best mans speech on Friday Reply with quote
Villers wrote:
I know that Im stuck with about 150 guests that I dont know from adam Sad

That's good, because you can be as offensive as you want without anyone knowing who you are.

Therefore, you need to be as offensive as possible...


I asked the vicar if he thought it was wrong to have sex before a marriage. He replied that there usually isn't time.


Secrets to a Happy marriage
1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.
and MOST of all...
4. It is important that these three women never meet.


Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.


The secrets of a happy marriage...
Tools > Internet options > Clear history, Delete files, Delete cookies.


Marriages are a bit like tornadoes.
They start with a bit of sucking and blowing, but by the end you've lost your house.


What has four arms and four legs and never works out?
Marriage


Mr. Green
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acid drop
Nova Slayer



Joined: 20 Jul 2009
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PostPosted: 20:05 - 02 Sep 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote
I should'nt worry to much cos the Brides Father will be called upon to speak first.That should make you feel easier.
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Villers
World Chat Champion



Joined: 13 Sep 2004
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PostPosted: 21:04 - 02 Sep 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote
acid drop wrote:
I should'nt worry to much cos the Brides Father will be called upon to speak first.That should make you feel easier.


Apparently he's trimmed his speech down to just 45 minutes. Im not sure if thats a good thing for me or not Laughing
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The Original Muzza
World Chat Champion



Joined: 09 Jan 2009
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PostPosted: 21:36 - 02 Sep 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote
Villers wrote:
Apparently he's trimmed his speech down to just 45 minutes. Im not sure if thats a good thing for me or not Laughing


I've never been subjected to attending a wedding, but isn't that somewhat long?
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Former Bikes: Honda MSX125 (2014), BMW Funduro (1996), Honda VT500 (1983), Yamaha FZR250 (1989), Suzuki GZ125 Marauder(2005),:Triumph TT600 (2002) (stolen)
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Mr Hammers
World Chat Champion



Joined: 10 Jul 2008
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PostPosted: 10:10 - 03 Sep 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote
Just do what I did... turn up late, give a half-arsed one in the pub at the end of the night whilst so drunk you can barely stand or talk.

What's worse is the reason I was late was because I picked up his uninvited ex-girlfriend on the way to the reception. His new wife/mother-in-law/father-in-law were not best pleased. His dad found it quite funny though.

Then you'll never be asked again, by anyone, ever.

Worked for me. Thumbs Up



I'm the worst best man I know.
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Last edited by Mr Hammers on 11:01 - 07 Sep 2009; edited 1 time in total
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Bluewolf
L Plate Warrior



Joined: 03 Sep 2009
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PostPosted: 10:27 - 03 Sep 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote
Villers wrote:
Apparently he's trimmed his speech down to just 45 minutes


Hells bells, most of the audience should be asleep by the time you get a word in edgeways Shocked
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ajb
Crazy Courier



Joined: 14 May 2008
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PostPosted: 17:54 - 03 Sep 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote
I was best man a few weeks ago for my best mate.

Quote:
"This isn't the first time today I've stood up from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand"
- Didnt use this but would have gone down well.

Quote:
"I couldn't help but notice the already gorgeous bride has lost weight recently, but the groom, being the gentleman he is seems to have found it and put it on himself"
- THis went down a treat Smile

Quote:
"... Before I get into things, let's have a show of hands who has seen the groom partially naked? ...Shared a bed with the groom? *I had my hand raised* (to the bride) All I can say is, you have A LOT to look forward too"
- This also went down well Smile

I used various other jokes which were context specific and related to past stories. My one piece of advice is, when I started, I was bricking it and made the mistake of reading out the apologies cards first (boring, and I was bricking throughout) but when I fired off the first joke and got the first laugh, it was smooth running from then on it Cool Thumbs Up

Good luck.
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