Vent/Advice - my messed up situation (long post!)

[tvchimp]

Ok, I've been needing to vent for a while, I used to have a blog which I put this sort of stuff on under another name (it helped just vent stuff and get it off my chest. no-one i knew actually knows about it) but I took it down as I figured I no longer needed it. Tempted to start it back up.

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Some background info about myself:

I've been battling severe depression since I was 18. I'm now 22 and probably at my lowest point. I first became depressed after my girlfriend at the time got pregnant (at this point we had been together for a fair while - deeply in love etc) and were unsure about the now fact that we had a baby on the horizon. We'd decided to try make the most of it. Sadly, she lost it early on and we ended up breaking up due to pressure and stress which arose from everything. After that, it took several months to get over her properly, I messed around with a few girls but never anything serious as I wasn't sure about anything I wanted to do or where my life was at during the whole thing. At 19 I moved out of my parents house and in with my friend (lets call her 'L') who I'd known for ages as we'd gone to school with each other, we ended up getting in a relationship, nothing serious but about 6/7months after being with her, she told me she loved me, and it was a bit too much for me, and I called it quits. I ended up moving back in with my folks. 2 years pass, I have a few on/off relationships and sex-buddies and get into a decent job which I held for 2 years. All the time, I had been going in and out of hospital, pills/prescriptions and counselling.

I got sacked from my job, as I discounted some stuff for some friends using my staff discount, and my boss did me for theft. Somehow managed to wrangle it that because I discounted money from items (20% staff discount) I took that money from the company.. I got prosecuted and spent 150hrs doing community service. Due to having no job got myself into a bit of financial difficulty and hardships (naturally). At this point, I was 20.5yrs old. I tried to commit suicide for the first time. I did it by overdosing on every single tablet I could find in my house, when there was no-one in, everyone in my house had gone to a friends birthday party, I said I didn't feel well. I must have blacked out, and a friend came back early found me, and basically called the emergency services and I ended up in intensive care for a month. Not to mention a load more counselling and 'therapy' (although I hated it, it didn't help at all).

About a year later, I'd got a lot better, my life seemed a lot better, got into a job I liked (worked as a stockroom assistant in a 'surf & skater shop' not the most glamourous job but I got to hang out with a lot of cool people - helped a lot to deal with everything). I'd also started driving lessons. This is when I met my latest girlfriend. Lets call her 'C'.

Now C was a friend who I'd known from school, she'd originally come from south africa when she was 13, moved to my school. Straight away I knew something about her was amazing, special, unique. After school she moved away with her family and I hadn't seen her til I was 20, and out with some friends, she was with her friends, we got talking and got on amazingly well! Everything was looking up. When I turned 21, I was out with mates on a Friday night after a crazy week of drinking, karting and general awesome-ness of turning 21. I bumped into her, told her I'd be at a club and we should meet up. We did, kissed etc and I told her that we should meet up just me and her and do something properly. We went on a few dates and got into a relationship after about 2 months of seeing each other. Everything was amazing, I literally could see myself with her for the rest of my life, her family were great and I got on with them really well, my family loved her. Nothing wrong at all! Then, after about 7 months of being together, things started to fall apart, I was working at a place monday-friday 8am-6pm. Not hard work, but hard enough, it was in a returns department for a busy hi-fi retailer. I then went to the gym most days til 7.30-8pm as she worked 1pm-8.30pm at a hospital as a ward-waitress. I thought things were great. Then she broke it to me that she had been planning on going to Leeds Uni this September. I thought ok, I can deal with that, we loved each other so will go to any length to make it work.. That was the plan. In about January of this year things went amiss and we started arguing about anything and everything, literally, I would get up for work at 6.30, by 7.45 as I'm getting to work we would have argued once. This would be her complaining about something to me, like she's too tired and would then bitch at me about something.. Tit-for-Tat would soon ensure.

This went on for 2months. It escalated so badly that I told her I wanted to go on a break, no contact etc for a few weeks to see what would change, if anything to make it better. She didn't want a break, so stayed together. Nothing changed, 2 weeks later we broke up over facebook. Having a typing argument one evening and I said I couldn't do it anymore and typed the words that killed the relationship.

After we broke up there was a mass amount of messages, texts, emails, phone calls and facebook/twitter status updates about me, sent to me and directed at me. All, saying how much of a cunt etc I was to her, this wasn't only from her. But from her friends/family etc.. I lost quite a few friends, and mutual friends because of this.

At no point, did I retaliate, I rarely use facebook (mainly twitter via my phone) or put any point about her on anything. I think its petty and would rather carry on my life as best I can rather than keep grudges. I have been brought up to not hold a grudge.

I found out 2months after we broke up that while I was at work, she had been going to my house and talking to my parents, about me, about her, about life etc and my parents were inviting her round, to 'have a cuppa and a chat' as they put it. When I found out, I flipped completely. Lost all trust with my parents and have yet to forgive them. In september she had gone to Leeds uni, I'd forgiven my parents about inviting her round, they said they did it as they really liked her, and kept saying how they thought we were 'the perfect couple' and that we should make another go of it, and that we should get married as my mum wants to be able to call her the 'daughter-in-law'. I flipped again and I was close to leaving home, but not having the most savings in the bank decided against it and would bite my tongue.

Now, my ex C has been away for just over a month when my mum tells me that she got a text from her saying she was coming over on saturday to see her, and how she was... I asked her why, she was my ex, had been broken up for 7months and I now feel like she is stalking me and trying to invade my life. I had tried to keep her out my life and carry on with it best I can, dealing with my depression which fluctuates from day to day and can make me happy as anything, to practically a walking zombie and not seeing the point in life.

I finally snapped on friday morning, I logged onto facebook after my brother said I should check her status, apparently something was put about me that was pretty shocking. Now I'd got some texts last week saying that I was a poor pathetic excuse for a human being from a few of her friends as she'd been upset and is/was trying to cope with us breaking up. I looked on facebook, her profile status said 'I hope YOU are man enough to see me on Saturday'. I cracked, went onto my profile page and put 'We broke up in March. Why are YOU still coming to my house' onto my status...I was so pissed off, not only has she been continually coming to my house, getting her friends to abuse me with phone calls/texts/emails etc and making me feel pretty crap because of breaking up with her, but I'm not having my ego and pride as a 'man' killed off and humiliated too! After that status, I got a mass of phone calls from her, crying upset asking me to take it off. I was angry, and annoyed. Ended up leaving work early and getting even angrier (not a good time to ride I will admit!). After a few hours, I'd calmed down a bit and took it off, before I did I read that a lot of people put comments on my status, some defending me after knowing what I've been through, others calling me a douche etc for what I've done to her.

Saturday comes... She turns up at my house, I'd gone out with my brother all day to find her in my living room talking to my mum. She was ripping into me, my mum was agreeing with her, saying how I had treated her was totally wrong, and everything I had done was unforgivable. I couldn't believe it. The one person who I thought could get no lower (my mum) had suddenly done a lot worse and totally shit on me from a great height. I have now lost total faith in my parents. I no longer trust them and now have decided to keep a large boundary between myself and them. My ex has now well and truly gone out of my life. I have told her to keep well away from me and my family, a friend of mine said I should get a restraining order (I took it as a joke, I think he was serious). My parents are still going on about how I should get back with her, and that even though whats gone off, everything is fixable. Somehow I think not, and I wouldn't want to go back with her after whats happened in the past year.

I have family that live in London, namely a sister, brother-in-law and his brother. I'm going to find out if I am able to get a job down in London, move there and have a fresh, new start. Since Saturday, I've deleted my facebook account, changed my telephone number/email address and other contact details. I've also been thinking about possibly going away for a few months, maybe a year or so. Seeing the world. I've always wanted to, but due to money I've never been able to. I would love to see Australia and New Zealand, maybe even move out there if I was able to secure work etc.


I know this is a LONG, LONG, LONG post. But I thank anyone who reads it all, takes it in and can provide any advice on my situation. My current state of mind is pretty dire, I'm in a job I really hate, and not earning enough to move out on my own (which would help me feel better about my situation) as I'm currently paying my folks rent of £250 a month. I'm saving up for my A2 test and a 600cc bike which hopefully I should have for March/April time next year. I'm currently feeling really shit, low, depressed. Call it what you will, all I know is my current anti-depressant medication is not working at all, I've spoken to my doctor and he wants to put me on a bigger dose, which I don't want to do. I want to get off the tablets, not require a higher dose to make things seem better!


What do people think, should I try something new and move to London if I can live with my sister/brother in law (they have a 3-bedroom house in London). Or maybe look at going travelling and 'discovering myself'... ?


Thanks.

Robert.

for anyone who can offer advice/jokes to make things better!


P.S. It already feels a bit better that I've typed all that out! to myself if I could.
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Bike: Currently Bikeless... Gahh

[MaybeGuy]

get a hobby.
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Blue_SV650S wrote: it was a sh1te wheelie, but it proves that he can get it up in 3rd and can do angles. In summery, mattsprattuk is a gobby little sh1tebag, dopehead tw4t, but sadly for all of us, he probably isn't THAT full of sh1te!!
Kickstart wrote: Hi I tend to agree with Matt. All the best Keith

[tvchimp]

I have, I mess about with my moped/brothers car when I have the time, and spend a bit of time doing amateur photography and photo editing.
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Bike: Currently Bikeless... Gahh

[Catalyst]

Wow that was pretty deep mate, never thought id read through it but it was interesting!

I'm only 18.5 so i can't offer loads of advice obviously, apart from that you're still young. The world is still your oyster and time is on your side, if i were you id go travelling. You can work in other countrys, not for much money but you don't need loads when you're travelling.

This is the best travelling site i know of, loads of info and options.

https://www.statravel.co.uk/

Chin up mate, it can only get better from here
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|--Previous--|:2007 Aprilia SX50...--Current--|: 2007 Kawasaki ER-6N
SlimRick - I can cook really well - but it's a useless skill, as I'm not a woman and it's their fucking job!

[evoboy]

I had a bout of depression when i was 16, stayed in my house for 8 months straight...felt like utter shit.

My parents bought me a Nitro RC car one crimbo and i started going to a local club to race ( nobody knew me, so it was easier for me to 'mingle') where people would come up and say hello, very friendly.

Kinda introduced me to the world of Banter i guess, things just progressed from there and now i dont give a shit, am in a relationship (albeit long distance and has been for about 4months) and did have a good job till i was made redundant.

Gettin my big bike was also on of the best things i did and ive met loads of people through having that bike. Now i barely spend time in the house!


Just thought id give you my story

[Noggin]

Parents can have the best intentions in the world... unfortunately they can also think they know what's best for you and can be wrong. They shouldn't have kept going on at you, she shouldn't have kept going round theirs and they've let you down. Though I expect they had really good intentions and thought they were doing what was best for you. Its probably not going to happen right now but in the long run I'd aim to forgive them again because they're only human.

Me and my mum used to clash pretty badly, I moved out a month after I was 21 and had some space from my mum for a while. It was about 5 months until I started spending any time with her again. I think she understood that I needed my space and was ok with it. We now get on really well like we used to when I was younger but its much more on a level playing field now. She knows I make my own decisions and doesn't interfere any more, just offers opinions when I ask. It was the moving out and having the space that helped me. Find some way to move out and get your own space, it forces you to rely on yourself. I moved out with a mate of mine, maybe your sister would be good as you say.

Make sure you communicate well too, let your parents know why you've made these decisions and try to carry on explaining in a reasonable manner (not getting aggressive if you can help it). It may seem odd to explain how you feel but it should help.

Well done for writing it all out, it does help. I'm 22 also by the way.


Sorry if this post is jumbled...

Craig G(Noggin)

p.s. try keep the drugs level as they are, they keep things down and solve nothing in the long run, but if things are too much to cope with they are good for coping with everyday things...

p.p.s. I'm not a doctor, take his advice over mine if required
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Current bike: kawasaki zx12r 2002
Track bike: yamaha r6 1998
Old Bike: honda NSR 125 1998

[jack_zxr400]

Get away from there fella. The family and ex problems are too tangled at the moment. Does sound like you need a break too.

Think positive and maybe look at a steady career? Working in a job you dont enjoy cant be helping. Renting your own place out could provide a lot of positives although there's a risk of stress from having to bring money in to pay bills all the time.

Do you have much in the way of qualifications?
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Previous Bike: ZXR 400
Current Bike: R6
Test Date: 8/8/2008-PASSED

[tvchimp]

Thanks for your comments guys.

I've got pretty decent qualifications, 12 GCSE's between A-C grades, 2 GNVQ's (IT + Design Technology, both at Distinction level) and a few other non-education qualifications (I've even got a chief scout award under my belt from when I was in the scouts as a teenager!). I'm not stupid or anything, and can do pretty much most things I put my mind to, it just seems that for the past 3-4years I've struggled to do or find anything I really love doing.

I've got a high level of PC problem solving experience, working at a PC World help desk/call centre and then my dad has been building computers for 10+years so first hand experience of programming/building machines. Mac/PC Trained to a high standard and decent with networking and the like.

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I've been looking at jobs involving animals and 'the outdoors'. I worked for a few weeks at my local RSPCA last summer helping a friend out who needed a voluntary hand during the weekend. It was amazing that a few dogs that I hadn't met before warmed to me so quickly, kinda felt like the knew something wasn't right with me! Really tempted to get a dog, but at the moment can't get one due to living with the parents (they don't like pets). I know if I moved in with my sister I'd be able to get one as she wants one herself.

I'm going to speak to my sister tomorrow, see about moving possibilities even if I can't do it before Christmas, would give me more optimism towards the future and things would hopefully get better. Other than that I've spent the last few hours looking for new jobs, not found many but the more I send out the more I'll get back. all round it seems
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Bike: Currently Bikeless... Gahh

[Noggin]

having something positive to look forward to is good.

Craig G(Noggin)
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Current bike: kawasaki zx12r 2002
Track bike: yamaha r6 1998
Old Bike: honda NSR 125 1998

[colin1]

Relationships can be intense, particularly with feisty madams, who may then turn people against you.

I have a thing against anti-depressants, as I have seen them fuck people up. Having said that, they need to be treated with respect, so be very careful about thoughts of reducing your dosage. I personally think you shouldnt increase dosage or switch to something stronger. Drugs just mask feelings, not really a good long term option in my view, and its dangerously easy for them to become long term.

Try to get some enjoyment out of life, do fun things, spend time with people who are nice to you.

Easier said than done, but worth trying.

Might be worth trying to put a bit of distance between you and people who make you feel shit, even if they don't mean to, until you feel stronger.
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colin1 is officially faster than god

[Paivi]

I'd advise you pack your bags at your earliest and move to London. Try to find a job, or a study course, if your sister doesn't need your rent money, something to interest you. Do this fun thing for a year, while you see London and photograph it from all angles, and make friends through this hobby as well as your sister's friends, and perhaps the SE mob.

Once you've got your life a bit more together, talk to your parents and explain why broke up with the girl, what she and her friends did and said to and about you afterwards, and how much it hurts you to see that they're choosing her over you.

I wouldn't recommend travelling until you've resolved the issues with your parents, as I think that'd be escaping from your problems. In your mental state, too, it might not be advisable, especially if you only get the pills for a month-two, and should something happen overseas, you might not get the help you need.
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My other bike's a Monster...

[Clanger]

Sounds like a classic case of someone who hasn't learnt to enjoy their own company, you seem to pin your happiness on others, when in actual fact you need to like yourself and like being alone, so when you are without a girlfriend...you can!

Spending time with yourself, doing things you enjoy, allowing yourself to get to know you - is best therapy.

And if you are considering a spot of travelling, yeah why not...go for it. Get down the library and pull out some books and have a look at some of the places you think you'd like to see and why.

If you are considering a RTW trip, I can offer you plenty of advice, for example my RTW ticket (trailfinders) was £1,800 and that included 9 countries, airport taxes, and transfers. The rest of what you need is for enjoyment, accommodation, food & drink and internal travel (buses/trains/bike hire etc).

Go online to www.travellerspoint.com for lots of hints and tips and photography and accommodation and a forum, find yourself a travelling companion. There is also the Lonely Planet forum too (Thorn Tree).

If these sites don't get you excited and raring to go, I don't know what will

I would dearly love to go to NZ on a working holiday, but after giving it some serious consideration in the last few weeks, I have found out I am too old.
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter won't mind - Dr. Seuss

[TUG]