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lostboy
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Joined: 03 Sep 2009
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PostPosted: 20:11 - 02 Dec 2009    Post subject: Stuck With a real problem... Reply with quote
My girlfriend is claiming to be ill, I'm really pissed off with her Evil or Very Mad last night I kicked her out of bed for coughing and spluttering all night knowing that I had planned to do nothing today as I'm currently off work, whilst she sat up til 5am spreading her germs and then the bitch went to work and refused to come home and cook my tea, so I looked on BCF and took the following actions I punched her in the tits, but as she went backward she hit her head so was then lay unconcious, I then did her up the gary in hopes it would bring her round but it didn't Sad , so I came in her face Smile which seemed to bring her round a bit Smile , then I thought sod it and put my member down her throat which was ok she seemed to choke for a while but has been quiet now for the last ten minutes and doesn't seem to be moving Confused And I still have not had any tea Crying or Very sad . The problem I'm left with is it now means ordering take away but I can't decide on what Question
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Handsome
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PostPosted: 20:16 - 02 Dec 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote
Have a Chinese...
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yen_powell
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PostPosted: 21:03 - 02 Dec 2009    Post subject: Re: Stuck With a real problem... Reply with quote
lostboy wrote:
My girlfriend is claiming to be ill, I'm really pissed off with her Evil or Very Mad last night I kicked her out of bed for coughing and spluttering all night knowing that I had planned to do nothing today as I'm currently off work, whilst she sat up til 5am spreading her germs and then the bitch went to work and refused to come home and cook my tea, so I looked on BCF and took the following actions I punched her in the tits, but as she went backward she hit her head so was then lay unconcious, I then did her up the gary in hopes it would bring her round but it didn't Sad , so I came in her face Smile which seemed to bring her round a bit Smile , then I thought sod it and put my member down her throat which was ok she seemed to choke for a while but has been quiet now for the last ten minutes and doesn't seem to be moving Confused And I still have not had any tea Crying or Very sad . The problem I'm left with is it now means ordering take away but I can't decide on what Question

Are you Jeremy Kyle's script writer??
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Raffles
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PostPosted: 21:38 - 02 Dec 2009    Post subject: Re: Stuck With a real problem... Reply with quote
lostboy wrote:
My girlfriend is claiming to be ill, I'm really pissed off with her Evil or Very Mad last night I kicked her out of bed for coughing and spluttering all night knowing that I had planned to do nothing today as I'm currently off work, whilst she sat up til 5am spreading her germs and then the bitch went to work and refused to come home and cook my tea, so I looked on BCF and took the following actions I punched her in the tits, but as she went backward she hit her head so was then lay unconcious, I then did her up the gary in hopes it would bring her round but it didn't Sad , so I came in her face Smile which seemed to bring her round a bit Smile , then I thought sod it and put my member down her throat which was ok she seemed to choke for a while but has been quiet now for the last ten minutes and doesn't seem to be moving Confused And I still have not had any tea Crying or Very sad . The problem I'm left with is it now means ordering take away but I can't decide on what Question


The lazy, fat, idle moo-cow. If I were you I'd dump her when she regains consciousness. Laughing
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Numptie
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Joined: 28 Oct 2009
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PostPosted: 21:44 - 02 Dec 2009    Post subject: Re: Stuck With a real problem... Reply with quote
lostboy wrote:
My girlfriend is claiming to be ill, I'm really pissed off with her Evil or Very Mad last night I kicked her out of bed for coughing and spluttering all night knowing that I had planned to do nothing today as I'm currently off work, whilst she sat up til 5am spreading her germs and then the bitch went to work and refused to come home and cook my tea, so I looked on BCF and took the following actions I punched her in the tits, but as she went backward she hit her head so was then lay unconcious, I then did her up the gary in hopes it would bring her round but it didn't Sad , so I came in her face Smile which seemed to bring her round a bit Smile , then I thought sod it and put my member down her throat which was ok she seemed to choke for a while but has been quiet now for the last ten minutes and doesn't seem to be moving Confused And I still have not had any tea Crying or Very sad . The problem I'm left with is it now means ordering take away but I can't decide on what Question


You should really act like a real man and put your girlfriend back in the sheep pen where you stole her from. Some farmer is going to notice.

Or you could just stew her for a lamb and rosemary roast. But I guess being a nancy boy who can't cook, this would be a Jamie Oliver miracle for you. Best to dump her back in Tescos in a shopping trolley and then get a takeaway whilst your there.
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lostboy
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PostPosted: 22:00 - 02 Dec 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote
Actually numptie I am quite an accomplished cook and not a nice way to talk about your mum Middle Finger Razz Middle Finger , raffles she hasn't moved for a while now no matter how much I kick her Shocked NSR I went with the chinese thanks for that Thumbs Up , and Yen I don't do the scripts for jeremy kyle I don't think even I could be that creative Very Happy but now I'm stuck with another problem what do I have for tea tomorrow? and anybody know what to do with a possible dead body Question
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Numptie
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PostPosted: 22:04 - 02 Dec 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote
Well you must be fairly creative if you can cook up this kind of story....... Smile
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lostboy
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PostPosted: 22:17 - 02 Dec 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote
Are you saying what I've written isn't true Shocked Whistle
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Skudd
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PostPosted: 22:21 - 02 Dec 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote
Put scatter cushions on the dead body to make it look like a sofa. when it starts to smell buy a cat and blame the cat for the smell.
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Billing
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PostPosted: 22:52 - 02 Dec 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote
lostboy wrote:
Actually numptie I am quite an accomplished cook and not a nice way to talk about your mum Middle Finger Razz Middle Finger , raffles she hasn't moved for a while now no matter how much I kick her Shocked NSR I went with the chinese thanks for that Thumbs Up , and Yen I don't do the scripts for jeremy kyle I don't think even I could be that creative Very Happy but now I'm stuck with another problem what do I have for tea tomorrow? and anybody know what to do with a possible dead body Question



the answer is staring you in the face...



...cook the gf, only option, if you cut properly you'll have food for weeks, you can add variety with different herbs and spices, maybe even a nice shoe Smile
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Numptie
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PostPosted: 22:54 - 02 Dec 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote
lostboy wrote:
Are you saying what I've written isn't true Shocked Whistle


Naaaahhh! How could I? I don't even know you Very Happy

Although maybe you've embellished your story with a few pork chops....
or porkies hmmm?!

I'm vegetarian, so I don't get dead meat jokes. I just make mincemeat of them (groan).

Last edited by Numptie on 22:54 - 02 Dec 2009; edited 1 time in total
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Handsome
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PostPosted: 22:54 - 02 Dec 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote
You need someone that keeps a pig farm, or has access to a tree mulcher, or both... Wink
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lostboy
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PostPosted: 23:13 - 02 Dec 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote
BillingTZR wrote:
the answer is staring you in the face...

...cook the gf, only option, if you cut properly you'll have food for weeks, you can add variety with different herbs and spices, maybe even a nice shoe Smile


Thats not a bad idea cos I've been laid off temporarily due to lack of work coming in, would solve 2 problems at once a) lack of money b) what to get her for christmas? so now the question is anybody got any recipes for middle class white girl Question

although I do like the sofa option but febreeze can only do so much and the flies would be a problem
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Raffles
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PostPosted: 23:45 - 02 Dec 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote
This thread reminds me of a crap old joke:-
Q) How do you know that your wife is dead?
A) Well the shagging is the same but the washing-up not getting done starts to make you wonder! Laughing
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Billing
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PostPosted: 00:47 - 03 Dec 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote
lostboy wrote:
BillingTZR wrote:
the answer is staring you in the face...

...cook the gf, only option, if you cut properly you'll have food for weeks, you can add variety with different herbs and spices, maybe even a nice shoe Smile


Thats not a bad idea cos I've been laid off temporarily due to lack of work coming in, would solve 2 problems at once a) lack of money b) what to get her for christmas? so now the question is anybody got any recipes for middle class white girl Question

although I do like the sofa option but febreeze can only do so much and the flies would be a problem


more problems have been solved than first thought!

3) lack of food
4) no more staying up til 5am being coughed at
5) no more illness from the (ex?) gf
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Skudd
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PostPosted: 07:15 - 03 Dec 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote
Is she still moist in all the right places? Copper grease will help things stay just right.
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lostboy
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PostPosted: 13:17 - 03 Dec 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote
I ain't got no copper grease got somefry-lite though should do the trick.

Got up a bit later than normal this morning and she has gone so she's either at work or the guinea pig has eaten her, problem is I had me meals planned for a few days but what do I have for tea tonight Question Laughing
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yen_powell
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PostPosted: 16:25 - 03 Dec 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote
lostboy wrote:
I ain't got no copper grease got somefry-lite though should do the trick.

Got up a bit later than normal this morning and she has gone so she's either at work or the guinea pig has eaten her, problem is I had me meals planned for a few days but what do I have for tea tonight Question Laughing
may I suggest a quick trip to the local library for an Equadorian cookbook. I'm reliably informed that they can knock up some amazing guinea pig grub.
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lostboy
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PostPosted: 16:53 - 03 Dec 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote
yen_powell wrote:
may I suggest a quick trip to the local library for an Equadorian cookbook. I'm reliably informed that they can knock up some amazing guinea pig grub.

Laughing Laughing Laughing
No cos I don't wanna risk the fact you can't post from beyond the grave, the missus gets pissed off at the me for shouting at it, eating it would be something that I wouldn't like to risk my life on. plus he occasionally eats his own shit so doesn't seem that appetizing after all Sick
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Skudd
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PostPosted: 18:09 - 04 Dec 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote
Guinea Bacon?

If the other half is now with the living again, she should sort things out for tea. She is the one who put you out with all that worry on how to deal with her dead body.
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Redoko
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PostPosted: 19:16 - 06 Dec 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote
I think she's dead.

Freeze her, to preserve her, use her body for a while until it starts to rot over.
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hellkat
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PostPosted: 22:33 - 06 Dec 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote
Skudd wrote:
If the other half is now with the living again, she should sort things out for tea. She is the one who put you out with all that worry on how to deal with her dead body.


Don't be silly.

She's obviously now a zombie, and everybody knows zombies can't cook for shit.

They just run around groaning, and swiping at random objects with the frying pan in the hope that they kill something human (i.e., edible).
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lostboy
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PostPosted: 06:42 - 07 Dec 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote
hellkat wrote:
Don't be silly.

She's obviously now a zombie, and everybody knows zombies can't cook for shit.
(i.e., edible).


looks like faggots for tea cos the only thing zombies eat is brains Laughing

I'm so sorry I've got my coat and the taxi's waiting:oops: Embarassed Embarassed
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Fortuna
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PostPosted: 11:07 - 07 Dec 2009    Post subject: Re: Stuck With a real problem... Reply with quote
raffles wrote:
lostboy wrote:
My girlfriend is claiming to be ill, I'm really pissed off with her Evil or Very Mad last night I kicked her out of bed for coughing and spluttering all night knowing that I had planned to do nothing today as I'm currently off work, whilst she sat up til 5am spreading her germs and then the bitch went to work and refused to come home and cook my tea, so I looked on BCF and took the following actions I punched her in the tits, but as she went backward she hit her head so was then lay unconcious, I then did her up the gary in hopes it would bring her round but it didn't Sad , so I came in her face Smile which seemed to bring her round a bit Smile , then I thought sod it and put my member down her throat which was ok she seemed to choke for a while but has been quiet now for the last ten minutes and doesn't seem to be moving Confused And I still have not had any tea Crying or Very sad . The problem I'm left with is it now means ordering take away but I can't decide on what Question


The lazy, fat, idle moo-cow. If I were you I'd dump her when she regains consciousness. Laughing

Actually why not dump on her?
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lostboy
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PostPosted: 13:30 - 07 Dec 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote
Hmmm defication or scat as it is more popularly known actually I'm not admitting to have tried it but never do this after a strong curry it makes a terrible mess Sick
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