Ever been caught short?

[The Shaggy D.A.]

I've occasionally needed a quick whizz whilst out and about, but one of the benefits of being male is logistically, urinating is quite easy and not much fuss. Other than a small mishap with a shart when I was 6, I've been lucky in that my bowels have pretty much under my control for all my life.

Just got back from a cycling trip in France, and the combination of too much beer, more cycling than I've done in 30 years and some possibly dodgy water at the campsite meant that whilst looking at the Welsh war memorial I got a 30 second warning that something wasn't quite right in the digestion department. I made it to some convenient bushes and whipped my shorts off before the battlefields of the Somme rung out to yet more thunderous booms, only this time not from 18 pounders. It could only have been likened to an explosion in a peanut butter factory, but luckily the place was deserted and I had loo roll with me, so the embarrassment was minimal.

This was not the case when after another 5 miles down a country road I got another 30 second warning. No hedges, no ditches, no long grass, just telephone poles and 360 degree clear views as far as the eye can see. This time I only just made it to one of the poles where, to the honking of French car horns, I pebbledashed their crops.

I've had bouts in the past where I've thought "hmm, really need to find somewhere soon", but this is the first time I've ever had "10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...Coming, ready or not!", and I hope it's at least another 40 odd years before I get it again.

So, have you had to have the walk of shame, or sacrifice your socks? Do tell.
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Chances are quite high you are not in my Monkeysphere, and I don't care about you. Don't take it personally.
Currently : Royal Enfield 350 Meteor
Previously : CB100N > CB250RS > XJ900F > GT550 > GPZ750R/1000RX > AJS M16 > R100RT > Bullet 500 > CB500 > LS650P > Bullet Electra X & YBR125 > Bullet 350 "Superstar" & YBR125 Custom > Royal Enfield Classic 500 Despatch Limited Edition (28 of 200) & CB Two-Fifty Nighthawk > ER5

[Cptn. Awesome]

I occasionally get the warning signs on nights out round town and once or twice I have been prepared to sacrifice my boxers to wipe. Luckily the bogs normally have a bit toilet roll kicking about or those stupid sheet dispensers.

Funny story Shaggy +1
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Rides - '60 Plate Ford Fiesta Zetec 1.25, '03 Plate Kawasaki ZX6R B1H and an '87 VFR400 NC24

Naughty Fawbish: "An eagle is but an eagle until the suns flare blinds his prey." - Fawbish, 2010.

[Jayy]

Never been caught short, quite the opposite actually. When I used to get messy on the tablets all the time and goto raves every weekend, the main problem was trying to have a piss when off your face on the old jack and jills.

We went to Sheffield for Gatecrasher Summer Sound System and stayed in a travel lodge. I got wasted and whilst back at the hotel, decided it was a good idea to neck a load of speed at 5am in the morning. Queue me not being able to piss but the feeling of wanting to piss REALLY bad. Every time I went in the toilet, I felt like I was about to piss myself, yet when I tried to have a piss, nothing came out. I'd go and sit down and the feeling would return, back and fourth this went for about 5 hours until it was time to check out.

I told my mate there was no way I was getting in a car for an hour and half with this feeling of needing to piss badly. We had to book the hotel for another night whilst I came down off the cocktail of pills, speed and brandy. Even in the morning when we came to check out again it was still there slightly but I had been for a piss in the night.

Bad times.

Moral of the storey: Sometimes a piss does cost you £50

[GhostRider]

Aside from the time when I was about 5 when I curled out a shit in the garden for reasons that escape me now but it certainly wasnt the plan, I did have a god awful case of "puero plata splatter" whilst in the dominican republic.

We were booked on a day trip to some waterfalls which I felt I could handle since I'd ate very lightly at breakfast and thought the worst of it had exited my poor ballon knot.

What I didn't know was that this was to be a 12hr trip, mostly travelling, going round the country seeing shit I didn't care about with the waterfalls being the last stop of the day.

About 2 hrs into the trip (we're still picking up other people from other hotels at this point) my gut starts to tell me it's had enough and my anus wants to vomit. I ask when the next stop off is as I needed the toilet, I'm told about 45 mins. I didn't understand he was speaking in dominican time, which turns out to actually mean about another 2 hours.

Imagine pelvic floor excercises for your anus, I'm a master of it now. However the build of gas inside me was too much, and I had to let a little pressure out else the whole gasket would have blown. Not only did this smell of rotting flesh but unfortunately the previous couple of hours of sphincter clenching had reduced my reaction speed and so something else came through the chocolate stargate portal. I remember my brother advising me years before that the test was to pull your boxers away from you for 20 seconds, if they came back cold, congratulations, you've just shit yourself. The cold feeling that came back ran up my spine and flushed sweat from my forehead. Ok, I;ve just shaated my pants, I have no idea when we stop next and no doubt there is more on the way.

God must have smiled on my for but a moment because within 15 minutes we'd stopped off for lunch, so I get off the minibus and walked towards the toilets slowly, trying to disguise the fact I'm walking like I'm trying to unwrap a toffee with my buttocks. I get in a cubicle and prepare to exam the damage. I now know what it must have been like in the trenches in WW1. To make matters worse there was only a few sheets of bogroll, so the boxers were folded to the bits where they werent covered in shat, and used to wipe, but the socks had to go as well. Worst of all there was no bin of any kind even outside the cubicle, the primative bog would have blocked straight away had I tried to flush the evidence away, so I had to tuck them up into the corner and make a dash for it, just passing a gentleman on his way in through the door.

I was because throughout the rest of the day I managed to keep things under control which was just as well since I had used all my bumwiping material previous. What was odd was that I saw the gent I'd passed on the way out of the toilet a few tables across, sat staring at his lunch, with a look of disappointment and sorrow across his face, his eyes met mine, and for that brief moment I felt his disgust as he's eyes told me that he knew what terrible deeds had took place in that cubicle, things that would never be uttered in the deepest depths of hell ever again.

GhostRider
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I have all the characteristics of a human being: blood, flesh, skin, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I don't know why. My nightly bloodlust has overflown into my days. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy. I think my mask of sanity is about to slip.

[ms51ves3]

I came very close to pissing myself in Barcelona last year.

It was hot so I was drinking a lot (not necessarily alcohol), it was about 11 at night. I took a pee at the restaurant before we left, but it wasn't good enough, the walk from the restaurant to the subway station had made me need a pee again. Bloody Spaniards had shut the toilets at the station.

Christ, it's a 30 minute subway ride to the hotel and it's getting bad. Train arrives, I sit down and start doubting if I'm going to make it. Six stops (10 minutes) away from the hotel, I had to put 100% concentration into not pissing myself, every bump on the train tracks was a battle for my dignity. Finally got to our stop, my dad starts walking really quick knowing I need to pee. I can't walk that fast, in fact, I could barely walk at all by now. I slowly struggle along the platform and up a few flights of stairs until finally getting above ground. A conveniently placed tree at the top of the steps was an amazing sight. I didn't care if anybody could see my todger, I was having a pee against that tree. It couldn't have come out quick enough. The relief was monumental.

Best feeling EVER!!!

[J0Al1]

no 2's are harder to hold in.


Having babies isn't good for ballder control... mine is certainly not as good, but having said thcat can hold a wee wee in for hours n hours. never wet myself. Its more if you don't quite finish one properly, then bend over to pull your knicker up!

[pepperami]

went out shooting with a mate and we had to clear some land beside a railway embankment.
all of the vegitation had been cleared and we were there to get rid of the bunnies.
a very open space right next to a railway line.
for some strange reason i suddenly felt a VERY strong urge to poo!
there is nothing worse than needing a poo and having nowhere to go.
in the end i could not hold out any longer and just had to drop my strides and go, much to the disgust of my mate who looked round to see me doing number twos .

what made it worse and made him laugh until it hurt was as i was squeezing one out, the local train passed, and it was packed and they all seemed to be looking out of the window on our side of the tracks .
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I am the sum total of my own existence, what went before makes me who I am now!

[stinkwheel]

I do remember having gambled and lost pretty badly one time in Edinburgh. It was also something akin to red hot magma both in snesation and consistency.

Typically, they'd closed all the public bogs. I eventually managed to sneak upstairs in the new Vue cinema on Leith Walk while the ushers back was turned and abused the facilities pretty heavily.

I was on my way up to the highlands for a beer festival so I wasn't going to let this stop me. There was a lot of shuffling of the deck but I managed to hold it in until fuel stops.

I was also very careful not to fart again that weekend. An unfortunate side effect of this was some truly explosive action when I finally sat down to get on with the job in hand. The combination of sound effects and the miasma it produced was pretty intense. I'm sure I heard someone who was in for a piss retching at one point.

Every hour, on the hour at one point but I made sure I drank plenty of beer to replace the fluids I was loosing.

Wasn't until I got back to work on the Monday that I found everyone else had been bedridden for the whole weekend with severe gastric flu and two members of staff were bad enough to have needed the doctor out. Made me feel a lot better about my "pushing the envelope" earlier in the weekend.

I'd been blaming a slightly out of date cheese and onion pasty.
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“Rule one: Always stick around for one more drink. That's when things happen. That's when you find out everything you want to know.”
I did the 2010 Round Britain Rally on my 350 Bullet. 89 landmarks, 3 months, 9,500 miles.

[crowe]

LOL Ghostrider i just nearly spat my irn bru out laughing at your story
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Kawasaki ER-5

[yen_powell]

My mate was jogging in Epping Forest when he got a 10 second warning. Without switching off his walkman or removing his earphones he dropped his trackies, and used a nearby tree as back support whilst doing the dark deed.

He had just finished and looked round for some nice soft leaves only to see the local pony club all staring at him in horror with the adults trying to get the kids to stop staring at the bad man.
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Blackmail is a nasty word........but not as nasty as phlegm!
XT1200Z and a DR350 in bits

[Visitor Q]

God, many many times. Only cacked myself once, and it was just one random berry type thing. Slipped out without warning or mess

But I had some very close calls on the way back from Swaziland to Inhambane, Mozambique (~12 hours). Luckily I had a personal lift, rather then getting shoehorned into a Chapa with locals and NO breaks.

So anyway, within half an hour of leaving everything starts to rumble. By this point I'm refusing cigarettes lest they push things on. Bogs in Moz are not renowned for their utility anyway, but the odd toilet was ok. Bump after bump getting out of Maputo traffic, knowing there was a toilet ahead. Clamped off the seat like I was doing bench press with some big Swazi bloke I'd just met.

Anyway, further along and he gets done for speeding. Middle of bumfuck know where (Manicha I think), he goes back to bribe the chief of police after half an hour of ineffectual arguing. We get there and there are shivers running down my spine, my toes are clenched and I'm ready to die. Eventually I ask, so have you guys (po po) got a toilet. 'Oh yes '...

Got in there, 3 stalls. One stall had the smashed remnants of a urinal. Second stall had the toilet base. No cistern, seat, door, bog roll or obviously a clean in a month or two. Cubicle 3 had the smashed remnants of a toilet. Inch deep of piss over the whole floor.

I ended up adding to the significant mound already in the random bowl in cubicle two, and had some random old bird come in and try to sweep while mid destruction.

Have had numerous pebble dashers just after getting girls home. 'Hey, get into something comfortable, I'll be back' *Boom*

And recently, in Bangkok /something/ disagreed with me savagely. They were making us run round and play games and general madness. All with a clenched arsed trying to blip out morse code.

My current school has mostly the 'squat and hope you don't catch your ankles' style of hole in the floor. And they're feeding me all kinds of madness. I'm expecting to have a very bad day sometime soon.
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China traffic/travel bike vid - When I make a sweeping statement, please add the word 'statistically' in to the sentence before you bitch...
From September 2014 to January/February 2015 I will not be using any English, nor reading any. As such, I won't be on here. PM at will, but I won't be checking/posting unless in emergencies. Certainly not for the first couple of months. Please berate me savagely if I break that rule...

[nowhere.elysium]

[Visitor Q]

I lol'd. Hope you don't mind, but that's sig material right there [/quote]

Not at all my dear. That will be 10 Baht.
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China traffic/travel bike vid - When I make a sweeping statement, please add the word 'statistically' in to the sentence before you bitch...
From September 2014 to January/February 2015 I will not be using any English, nor reading any. As such, I won't be on here. PM at will, but I won't be checking/posting unless in emergencies. Certainly not for the first couple of months. Please berate me savagely if I break that rule...

[BIKELESS STEVE]

I usually try and avoid taking a dump in nightclubs unless I fancy sitting it pools of vomit and piss but was in Cream in Liverpool (shortly before It closed) and the need overwhelmed me. Off I waddled to the toilet holding with all my might, found a free cubicle but there was no paper.... bugger. So bold as brass, stomped across to the bar and requested bog roll. The barman disappeared for 2 minutes and came back with the biggest bogroll I've ever seen in my life, must've been akin to double the height of one of those tork rolls for drying hands. All dignity gone I went about my business only to be met part way though by a bouncer hoicking himself up to look over the bog door on a hunt for drugs. They found someone snorting in the cubicle next to me and dragged him out 1 limb each. Not my proudest moment

[Ol]

[The Shaggy D.A.]

[Jayy]

[Alexio]

I've been caught short by a few drops here or there I suppose when I ride for the whole day without many stops, but mostly I've been fine. I find it incredibly easy to defy my digestive system.
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will never give up his CG. I look at my fuel gauge more as a progress bar than a fuel gauge.
G: With my GSXR I do often effectively use it as a scooter with a clutch in town.
ms51ves3: why does it need 500 miles? Are you teaching it how to be a piston?

[Fawbish]

[hellkat]

Ugh.

Once I was at the Bulldog (toilets a LONG way from where we were camping) and had been lurking in my sleeping bag, leisurely thinking about going for a wee (which I would happily do behind a tent or a car, it rarely bothers me, weeing in public, my bladder is so notoriously small, I've had time to get used to the mocking of my peers) ... but I was getting more and more worried about the fact that my bowels were starting to make themselves known to me.

I knew that there was no way in the world I was going to manage to get out of my sleeping bag and tent, and all the way to the toilets, which were a good 5 minutes walk from our tent without either having an accident, or looking as though I were about to.

So I figured I would wait it out, and decided to feign sleep till everybody else had gone back up to the beer tent/shopping.

It occurred to me that if I really HAD to go, then at least the worst of it would be contained in the sleeping bag, although of course the smell of such an undertaking hadn't occurred to me at that point - although it did later.

But as I lay there, I had the most awful pictures in my head of shit-smearing all up my body as I tried to clamber out of the sleeping bag. And what would I do with it once I got out of it??? I could hardly roll it up and throw it in a rubbish bin for some poor prospect/hangaround to clear away. So I lay there for what seemed like ages trying to work out the best of a terrible combination of choices, whilst people were calling me and discussing the fact that I was still asleep, whereas in reality I was clenching my arse muscles for dear life.

I managed to hang on, and once everyone was (FINALLY!) gone, I found some baby wipes and a pair of plastic bags, swiftly removed my pants and the sleeping bag all in one quite acrobatic motion (for me) ... and hung my arse out into the "porch" of the tent and let rip. Man, the stench! And the speed always amazes when its been a bit pent up. Luckily I only managed to get small "spots" on the tent.

There were enough baby wipes to clean up (although there were also showers, which I later availed myself of) and I managed to find a bin-liner that Andy had thoughtfully brought with us, and put the whole damn mess in there and disposed of it ... erm, off site whilst everybody else was still busy up at the beer tent.

Everybody wondered where I had gone, for so long, and had I been asleep all that time, etc., etc., but I just said, "Oh you know ..." (quite airily) ... "I've just been around, twatting about, here and there ..." and changed the subject before anybody mentioned seeing me dussing out the front gate in a hurry with an oddly shaped "parcel" attached to the bike. Luckily my reputation for wandering off and doing my own thing preceded me and nobody asked REALLY bothersome questions.

Andy was mildly annoyed when he couldn't find the bin-liner at the end of the rally, but we managed to blag another one somewhere, from a wandering hangaround on clean-up duty.

I couldn't look Andy in the face and admit that I had used it to wrap up a pair of my knickers (ruined) and some rather sloppy turds.
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Not nearly as interesting in real life.

[hellkat]

[Clanger]

Never been caught short with the number 2, thankfully...but did have the unfortunate incident of being on the M11 when it was closed due to an accident, and some three hours later (still sat in my queue of traffic), I started to get to the stage where I had to pee or wet myself.

So I duly pulled off the carriageway, onto the hard shoulder, grabbed some loo roll, and hopped out to scout the area down the embankment for a safe spot.

Well, I clearly had an audience, rows upon row of people in various vehicles queued up behind me, and as I skipped down the bank towards a clump of trees, loads of them started tooting their horns and cheering and shouting...Oh you can imagine the joy !

So, once I had done the deed and headed back to the car, and all the smiling faces of my audience...I took a short bow, then hopped in my car, and drove a little way down the hard shoulder to rejoin the queue 'going nowhere', switched off the engine and sat there, happily knowing that I wasn't surrounded by those in the know!!!
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter won't mind - Dr. Seuss

[swiftb]

Ghostrider that made me chuckle
Ive thankfully never cacked my pants (as an adult anyway). Although I have once (maybe twice ) pissed in my pants.
A few years back I had a bit of a torrid time with my bladder. Still not sure to this day why or what it was(never did take that trip to the docs ), but basically I found myself with this problem for a few months.
I would be casually doing whatever it was I was doing to be greeted by a 10 second warning of the need to piss, not a piss you could hold in - it was coming out wether I liked it or not.
This caused me some major problems. It was made worse when the weather was cold. First time it happened I was at a football match sat in the stand and bam I needed to piss there and then. I managed to leg it down the (many) stairs to the concourse, find the bog and let rip just in time.
Second time it happened I was leaving a match walking back to the car in a large crowd of several thousand other people. Again the need to piss came out of nowhere and if I had carried on even trying to walk I was gonna piss. Cue me oddly shuffling to the nearest wall in full view of thousands and lobbing my todger out to 'casually' leak one out. I reckoned everyone would just assume I was arseholed so shrugged the embarresment off.
I had many other embarassing incidents like this over the following few months but never actually managed to piss in my pants, until this one time (at band camp), I was driving to a job and the warning came, unfortunately I had already driven into the customers cul de sac. I toyed with the idea of rushing to the customers door, but time was against me and I really didnt have time to wait for them to open the door, say hello, ask if i can use the pisser etc etc so I made a rash decision. Swung the van round in the cul-de-sac and headed back out to the slightly less conspicous side road. I managed to bounce up the curb, fling the door open and jump out the van in time, but as I fumbled with my zip and tried to fish out my pecker twas too late. Bastard. Ive never felt such relief and such shame at the exact same moment. Bad times.
I did manage to get my tail out mid stream but the damage was done.
I was a good trek from home and this was my last job, so I improvised. I put on my long winter coat to hide my wet knacker region and headed back to the customers house and did the job. All the while wondering if the chap could smell the warm piss
Thankfully those days have passed me by but pissing my pants has definetly scarred me.

[Charlie]

I don't think I have given so much karma out in a thread before, I am 20 years old and still find the topic of poo hilarious

Have been caught short once out cycling, first and only time I haven't been able to hold a poo back until I found a toilet, I am normally quite good and have gone like 4 days without having a poo before. Squatted behind a rock on this moor (it was an erratic boulder!) and curled a well formed shit out.

My mate who I was cycling with decided to go and have one too, he said he didn't need one (and he used a different boulder may I add) but just want to do it for the experience
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Past: Honda x8rs, Honda City fly, Honda Hornet 250, Honda VFR750, Yamaha xt600e.
Current: Honda CBR929RR & Yamaha XT660Z Tenere

[Flip]

I've told all my poo stories on here before. A quick recap.

Years ago...

1. I had to jump over the wall on the royal Liverpool golf course in Hoylake, drop my pants and splatter the wall.

2. Dreamt I was a werewolf and shat nastiness on the living room floor. Still had my boxers on which was pretty messy. Ever woke up on all fours at 2 AM still pissed out of your head with shit everywhere? It isn't cool, man. Not cool.