Divorce – The only way??

[Ol]

Well BCF – I’d like to add another “what do I do” story / question if I may…

Apologies is advance for the sh1t spelling and bad grammar, i'm trying to write everything down whilst it's in my mind...

I’m 26, been married a year and a bit, have 2 kids (7months + 3years old) and rent a house, and last night appear to have split up with the Mrs.

Like most couples, we have good days and not so good days… as far as I can tell 80% of the bad days seem to revolve around us being “snappy” or short because of a bad night sleep (7 month old daughter doesn’t sleep very well) so I just put it down to us being tired. But over the last (I suppose) year we’ve started arguing more and more, normally it just get’s brushed under the carpet and forgotten about (well, forgotten about until the next time we argue, then it’s all thrown in my face!)

No Matter what we argue about it’s always turned round to be “my” problem, I gave up (mostly for the wife) a half decent job a few years ago to spend more time with the family and kid(s) so now every time we’re skint, it’s my fault etc. if the eldest daughter say’s something naughty it’s always my fault, regardless of what she’s said. If the house is a mess it’s my fault for not helping (even though I clean the house top to bottom every Saturday) if I fall asleep on the sofa on an evening after being up all the previous night with one of the kids then I’m being a w4nker and unsupportive.. etc etc the list goes on.

I do love my wife, and really wish we could get along – not just for the kids, but because when we’re good it’s amazing, but it just doesn’t seem to happen anymore.

Last night the wife was working until 8pm ish, when she got home she went to get a tippy cup thing out of the babies changing bag, and something had spilt, this was again my fault for not emptying the bag earlier on in the evening – something to do with me being a lazy, useless d1ckhead, apparently (despite me spending all evening sorting the kids out and trying to get them in bed) so then we continued to argue for hours until she started getting nasty by saying “I don’t really love you” and “you’re a sh1t dad” etc… (I’ve never claimed to be the best dad in the world, but I’d do anything I could to help my kids, never laid a finger on them and I adore them to bits) – so after she’d finished laying into me, I said I cant do this anymore, I want a divorce! I really don’t actually want a divorce, but she made me feel about 2” tall and I didn’t know what to say back to her that might make her stop having a go at me.. obviously looking back, telling her I want a divorce wasn’t the best idea as she then tried to kick me out. I don’t have many friends left (when we got married / had kids I drifted apart from most of my mates) and I don’t have any family that lives close by, so physically didn’t have anywhere to go, so when I said I’m not going anywhere to her – I was then being a d1ck again by not respecting her..

Thing is, I appreciate that we need to try work things out for the kids, and I know there is a limit to how much is “worth it” before calling it a day, but I’ll be shafted if I know where the limit is, or if we passed it 6 months ago!

Another worry, is that I know If we do get a divorce – she’ll do her best to try and make it impossible for me to see my kids, and that really bothers me, the thought of not seeing them actually does bring me to tears.

After all the arguing last night, I’ve been told I’ve got to stay somewhere else for a while – it’ll probably have to be my dads sofa, but I cant see what that will gain - does time apart really actually solve anything?? I can only see it making things worse if I’m being honest.

I’ve no idea what to do, would couples therapy make any difference?? If she does want a divorce – I’ve no idea what I need to do, then there’s Child Support.. I imagine that to be a minefield of sh1t and charges and fee’s and a lifetime of having no money…

what I wouldn’t give for an easy life
____________________
Previous: Cub50, NRG50, TS50, YB100, CB125, NSR125, ZZR600, CBF1000, SV650s, ZX6R B1H, XT250, Mito Powered Crosser, WRF450, , FZ600, VN800, GSXR600 - Currently CB1000R

[Itchy]

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles.

Maybe get some marriage counsuling or something. Even though the BCF has a wealth of experience and opinions I think a professional will be somewhat better than the amatuers of BCF.

Though the ad Hominem type attacks I think are a bad sign.
____________________
Spain 2008France 2007Big one 2009 We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will. In the end, your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it is worth watching.

[chris-red]

[GhostRider]

Up until this point

[Hetzer]

[J0Al1]

Sorry to here things arn't so great.

Don't let the worry about not seeing your kids if you get divorced persuade you. Your their Dad and she can not stop you unless you have been abusive towards the children. The courts are very much on the Dads side with regard to keeping contact.


Anyway, that aside, it doesn't sound like you have major issues, just need to work at something. She needs to open her eyes and realise how lucky she is and you need to continue to be supportive.

Marriage counselling is s super idea if you can not resolve it between you.

Aside that, I would say your lucky to have each-other. Its not easy to find a good relationship. It just sounds like having children has brought the normal pressures that having children does.

The Mother seems to want the best of both worlds, which of course it not always possible. Its got to boil down to priorities I'm afraid.

You need to work as a team.

Approach it in a positive light. Just the way you word things can make a big difference.

ie; I really care about you and want to work things out so that we are both happy.. then discuss what you can do to improve the situation (even if you think there is nothing more you can do).

[pinkyfloyd]

[Ol]

[tvchimp]

https://www.myconfinedspace.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/08/motivator51646951.jpg



....On a serious note, Sit down and talk, there's more at stake than just you and her in the relationship and I don't think she quite realises it. IMO she seems like she's lashing out due to her own insecurities (as has already been said). Maybe some time apart would do her good and realise she needs you in her life to make things work?

[D O G]

Kids put a massive strain on relationships, they require you to stop being selfish, remove your freedom, deprive you of sleep, limit your sex life, require huge energy input when they're awake, and suck your cash dry to boot.

It can easily lead to resentment of one's situation, which includes the kids and the partner. I certainly know I've had my moments. Likely that your wife has the same. To chuck it away now without very good reason would be foolish of you both, and what has already been said on the communication is key.

It is tough, and you guys are not the only ones who think so - my partner and I have argued many many times more after we had our kids than before - as Hetz said it is venting, not necessarily her true feelings. Good luck.

[chris-red]

[neatbik]

Just to add to the above posts - spend some time away, it usually works.

I've done it in the past, it might only take a couple of days, it might take a couple of weeks.
Make her realise what she is in danger of loosing.

You need time out to figure things in your mind. You will miss your kids (i did) but in the long run it will only help, and from the sounds of it it wont make anything any worse.
Good luck

[ulster exile]

Definitely get away, give her head some peace (regardless of whether you've actually done something wrong) and get some advice.

Me and hubby have really snappy periods when we don't sleep well or are stressed, like at the mo when our jobs are mental and we're waiting for our house sale/purchase to go through, but some peace and quiet will remind us of why we're still married almost ten years.

I have blamed my husband for everything at times too as I've never truly gotten over leaving home to live here in order to be with him, but got over it when I realised what I was doing to us. Can't say we're perfect but we do work at it which is what you sound like you're doing but she seems to be struggling.

I guess you also need to figure out what you're going to do if she doesn't want to work at it.

[hellkat]

Oh noes Who's getting custody of my sofa?

Seriously though.
And I mean REALLY seriously...

Hetzer has made some valid points, and so have several other people, but when I read what you have written (and I agree it is entirely subjective, as we have not seen her point of view) I have a serious question to ask you, and that question is ...

* If she speaks to you like that;
* If you make every effort, as you say you do, to sort out the house and the kids;
* If you have hardly any of your own friends left, have drifted away from them because you have been so immersed in this life;
* If you have left your job "mostly for the wife"; and
* If the way she treats you makes you feel 2" tall ...

... how long till the anger she is expressing starts to be vented physically?

I may be entirely wrong, and I am not taking anything away from your masculinity, there is a difference between being henpecked (which you are not) and being bullied (which it sounds like you are) and its a very short step at the wrong time of day when tempers are frayed to the first slap, kick, or throwing of something painful.

But you are the one looking at your own relationship.
Make sure you see EVERYTHING.
What is happening here to an outsider (me) has a very strong odour of you being close to being bullied in your own marriage.

Please don't think I am overreacting based on my own opinions or experiences, but I have certainly been in a position where I have found myself physically attacking my boyfriend (who had a *very* strong personality), and it was as shocking and scary for me to realise that I was out of control.

Perhaps your wife cannot see that she is taking TOO MUCH out on you, in her frustration that her life is not the sweet happy bed of roses that we all expect marriage to be when we first embark upon it. Perhaps she can't recognise how she is treating you is not only unfair but also close to dysfunctional.

You have no valid opinion, very little or no financial input into the marriage, and she perceives you as worthless.

As Ghostrider says, the things she is saying to you are below the belt. My pride would not allow me to stay long once someone has told me in such as way as that, that they do not love me.

If you take a decision to walk away, as long as you do it legally, you can see your kids, and often with (ex-)wives being bitchy and controlling, you basically have to pay to see them ...

Only you can decide whether you want to stay or to go.
But assert your rights when you do make the decision to leave.
____________________
Not nearly as interesting in real life.

[iooi]

Have you got anyone that can take the kids for say a weekend so you and her can spend some quality time together without the kids and all the pressure they bring.

She is just venting her frustrations on you as you are the easy target and I guess she feels that she can get away with it.
If she kicked off like that at work, she would be sacked.
____________________
Just because my bike was A DIVVY, does not mean i am......

[J0Al1]

Do you get out on your bike? You time?

Does your wife get any space? With all the help in the world it's still nice to get away from time to time.

[colin1]

You said you wanted a divorce as that was the only weapon of self-defence you had.

The first thing you need to do is tell her that you dont want a divorce but think her behaviour is unacceptable.

It sounds like she resents you for not working, so things may improve if you get a job.

Like others, I'd suggest trying to work at it to improve things. The problem is, if it becomes a blame game about who is right and who is wrong.

I've not done marriage guidance, but I would suspect that the guidance person would be susceptible to manipulation by the dominant one (your wife) to make it as if its all your fault and you need to change.

I could be wrong.

I'd suggest trying to have emotionally calm and neutral discussions with your wife about how things could be improved. It's definitely worth working at. If could be you are in a bad patch and can turn the corner. She needs to stop belittling you no matter how frustrated she feels.
____________________
colin1 is officially faster than god

[Robby]

So she's working, and you aren't?

Foolish mistake. Men go to work, women look after the children. You're just growing a mangina and mopping up shit.

The woman is just being female, you know, nuts. You get her knocked up twice, so you're pretty much stuck with her (concience and morals, ha.).

If you keep the situation as it is she'll get more and more nuts. If you go to work and make her look after the kids the only thing she'll have to complain about is you not making enough money, at which point you start selling her stuff until she shuts up.

Never give a woman power.

[Howling TerrorOutOfOffice]

^^^Sometimes Robby..I can't believe we have the same bike.
____________________
Diabolical homemade music Bandcamp and Soundcloud
Singer songwriter, Artist and allround good bloke Listen to Andrew Susan Johnston here
The Harry Turner Project

[Ol]

[Resident Yank]

I too suggest having a very calm chat with her, but do so after a few days away. You both need to cool off or you will just be right back at each others' throats. One thing I do worry about though, is that since your wife doesn't seem to seem to think the way she is treating you is wrong, when you confront her about it she will get quite defensive and irritated and could blow up on you again. If that happens you will need to see a marriage counselor so you can both tell your sides of the situation and have the counselor decide who needs to do what. Coming from you it may be viewed as an outright attack on her, but coming from an outsider she may take the advice more to heart.
If the calm chat tends to smooth things over the two of you need to get away for a weekend alone. Find someone to keep the kids and just the two of you spend time reconnecting. One on one time is very important in a relationship because as we are pulled from here to there in our daily lives we tend to lose touch with the person we love most. Getting back in touch with those feelings of love and passion is important. The reconnection need not be just through sex, but just being together, cuddled on the couch watching a movie, doing things together that you both enjoyed doing when you were dating or newly married be it a walk in the park, a nice dinner or just relaxing and playing a board game. The two of you need to remember why you love each other. If you can't find that love, then your question about divorce has been answered unfortunately.
Hope that all makes sense. Good luck.
____________________
Snooping in from the US, don't kill me.

[ZRX61]

See how she gets on looking after 2 kids on her own for a month....

[Ol]

[Vin]

[Hetzer]