Best quotes

[Fairies attack]

Been talking to a lass tonight and told her I might be going to Kuwait for a year to work. Her response was:

That's not far is it. Only the other side of Lincoln.

She is a southerner so it does let her stupidity off the hook abit.

Has anyone else ever heard stupid things like this?

[Shaft]

Very similar.........

The first thing you need to know is, I live in SE London.

Decided to go on last minute holiday with a mate and his G/F, at christmas, to get some winter sun; I left the booking up to them, all I wanted was somewhere warmish and the plan was to fly from Gatwick, with me driving to and from the airport.

A couple of days later, the G/F calls me to tell me the booking was all sorted:

G/F: We're going to Tenerife, leaving next Wednesday, but it's an early flight

Me: No problem, more time by the pool, what time is it?

G/F: 6.30 am, so we have to be there by 5.

Me: Not ideal, but I've got a week to recover and it only takes about 40 minutes from your place at that time.

G/F: Oh, that reminds me, couldn't get Gatwick, but Geoff says it's just down the road

Me: OK (thinking Heathrow, maybe Luton) where we going from?

G/F Bristol!


Cue me driving down the M4, bleary eyed at 3am, in a blizzard!!

Top holiday though
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Things get better with age; I'm close to being magnificent........
20 RE Interceptor, 83 Z1100A3, 83 GS650 Katana
WooHoo, I'm a Man Point Millionaire! https://www.bikechatforums.com/viewtopic.php?t=234035

[Skudd]

I had 72 hours worth of cctv to watch and the boss wanted to know how long it would take. I said 72 hours, he said he wanted the results within the next three hours as he was going to a meeting. He didn't get it for the meeting.
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Famous last words of Humpty Dumpty. " Stop pushing me "
Petty Anarchists look at "1984".............. The Visionary looks at "Animal Farm".

[qarka]

Heard from a lass coming out of a 3D movie:

"Imagine what it would be like if life was in 3D"


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Previous - Sinnis Apache - Honda Bros 400 - Yamaha SR500 - Honda Transalp - Kawasaki ZX-7R - Honda CB-1 - Honda 929 Fireblade - Honda NTV650 [b]Current[\b] Honda CB500

[Nexus Icon]

A guy I work with could fill pages of this thread all by himself, but one of my all time favourites...

We were leaving work and it was very windy. The clouds were racing across the sky but some were moving faster than others. He said,

"It's amazing how the clouds behind the sun move faster than the ones in front of it."
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Greetings from Shitsville!

[jay12329]

[duhawkz]

I installed a ceiling fan in our bedroom, but i had to attach a batten on the joist in the loft so i had something soild to fasten it to.

my wife asked if i could put another one in the lounge down stairs

me "depends where the joist is, if can screw it in the joist then yes"

wife "well can't you just go in the loft and put another piece on like you did in the bedroom"

me
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"The guy is a worthless cunt and I honestly believe I would be a slightly happier person if he died." - Chris-Red

[mistergixer]

Two words best describe mrsgixer: 'dizzy' and 'blonde'.

"I'd hate to go blind, i wouldn't be able to listen to music"

On a hot day she asked me if i wanted a beer fetching from the fridge.

I replied 'Is the Pope Catholic?'

Her response: 'I dunno, is he?'

She was working as a barmaid in a pub, they sent her out to the local shop for the Sunday papers. She came back with a bag of spuds.

The bar manager was a bit perplexed, he'd told her to buy newspapers, not new potatoes.



https://i274.photobucket.com/albums/jj243/Andy_B_photos/TheGreatEscape003.jpg
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Space Monkey #7
Don Eladio is dead. His capos are dead. You have no one left to fight for. Fill your pockets and leave in peace. Or fight me and die!
Mistergixer's videos on YouTube

[Fisty]

2 from the ex.....

Sat on the beach on holiday watching the sun go down when the sun got covered by clouds she said " does the sun ever set infront of the clouds?"

And whilst coooking a baked potato in the microwave she announced "wouldnt it be good if they could make the opposite of a microwave, something that makes things cold?"

That would be a freezer dear.
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Quietly and consistently taking the piss.
TL1000R | Hayabusa | ZXR400 | TL1000S | Bandit 400 V
Fatter and faster than Fret

[The Artist]

[Fisty]

[duhawkz]

[Skudd]

My soon to be exwife wouldn't shop in Aldi because she thought everytthing was written in German.
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Famous last words of Humpty Dumpty. " Stop pushing me "
Petty Anarchists look at "1984".............. The Visionary looks at "Animal Farm".

[pepperami]

Talking to my missus about places I have been to.

"I`ve been to Staines" says I ... "Oh that`s nice dear" says she?
"I`ve been to pant stains" says I .... "Where`s that near then?" says she
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I am the sum total of my own existence, what went before makes me who I am now!

[duhawkz]

[GhostRider]

Missus just drop a classic.

"was there supposed to be a lunar eclipse tonight?"

"Yeah I think it's supposed to turn red or something"

"is that because Mars comes between the earth and the moon?"

Doh!

GhostRider
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I have all the characteristics of a human being: blood, flesh, skin, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I don't know why. My nightly bloodlust has overflown into my days. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy. I think my mask of sanity is about to slip.

[Im-a-Ridah]

[CarlosCBR]

From the ex, talking about my dog after just taking him for a walk

"Calvin, you really stink of dog today".

Well erm...... what the hell else would he smell like?
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1OPv5mDPQ14

https://www.facebook.com/carl.simmonds.7

[DrDonnyBrago]

Warped once said he was telling the truth.
























hard to top that tbh but:

Whenever me and gf go in a pound shop I always take the piss by exclaiming loudly (so people nearby can hear) how ridiculous it is that nothing has a price tag on it and asking how much each individual item is.

After about 5 times of me doing this she goes into a poundland looking for lighter gas, it's behind the till so she has to ask the till guy to pass it to her, then asks how much it is.

Till guy stares at her unamused "a pound....".





One of my colleagues, who studied genetics at uni and is currently doing a genetics PhD once said she doesn't believe in evolution because "I wasn't ever a monkey"... That's not quite how it works...

[Berk]

Two from a girl in my A-levels history class, many years ago.

Studying WW2, and discussing the German royal family.

"Was that our Queen Mother?"

Then the classic.

"Was Hitler a fascist?"

[DrDonnyBrago]