really screwed up

[regular guy]

Hi guys,

Regular member here but didn’t want to post under my usual name due to the nature of this post.

This isn’t a troll, and not some attention seeking attempt I genuinely need to get some things off my chest as I am at a really low point and am ready to call it a day.

Basically things haven’t been the best lately, I had a hatred for my work, my wife has lost interest in any sort of relationship and things financially are crap.

I started a new job just after Christmas and although its a lot better and I feel that I am happier, tonight my wife of quite a few years has said she hates everything about her life, me, the kids, her job, the house etc. She has said this several times over the last couple of years and shes never seemed to improve towards me although I think she has tried as she says she loves me but isn’t in love with me.

I tried talking to her and she just said that she doesn’t want me touching her and has no feelings towards me, basically she hates me and everything I am then she went to a friends house and hasn’t come back yet.

Apparently there is no one else and she just wants to be on her own, no me, no kids, just some freedom and release. This is ok and may just be a break but she has taken a couple over the last 2 months to a friends and to her mothers, always coming back saying she feels better, but I can always still see she is sad and upset (you learn to read your other half quite well after several years).

Now as I said we have been together a fair few years and have kids and she is my life, she kept me strong through hard times and we have fought hard to get where we are, we have had times before where things we sticky but she always said we would get through them and we did.
I really am at a low point, this woman is my life and although I want her to be happy I don’t want to be without her, as selfish as that is of me. I went through a several spells of depression, once when I was about 20 where I actually tried committing suicide and I have been on anti depressants on and off for years(she doesn’t actually know how many occasions I have been on different medication).

However I am worried that without her I may well top myself, in fact I probably would. Since the news earlier I have been thinking about being dead, about actually not wanting to live without her and I honestly don’t want to.

If things keep going the way they are then, although I may see the signs, I don’t think I would bother doing anything about it from a medical point of view and just more likely drink myself stupid before doing something more stupid.
I understand the implications of doing something like topping yourself to family, friends etc but really I don’t think I would care, why should I?

Theres also the other side of breaking up that in a few months/years/whatever she gets together with someone else and I am going to collect kids or she is and shes with someone else it would just hurt again. (we went through a split 10 years or so ago where she got together with someone after a couple of months and came to visit, I saw this other guy who waited at the car and was felt physically sick at the thought of my (at the time) fiancée with someone else before going inside and drinking a bottle of whiskey and passing out).

I know I probably wont get serious responses here but its a place to type and try and get some things out.

Sorry chaps

[kerr]

Right so if this isnt a troll.
First of all get a grip of yourself, do you want to kill yourself? or is it to get attention from your wife?, you have kids ffs how selfish are you to contemplate taking there dad away, they need you.
Hate to break it to you but your marriage is over, she doesnt love you anymore and doesnt sound like she will again, these things happen, thats life, Although sounds like you'd be better off without her tbh, i have no respect at all for mothers (or fathers for that matter) that need to take a "break" from there kids, just completely selfish imo.
get yourself to the doctor your clearly slipping back into depression, for your kids sake, ask your wife if she would consider marriage counselling, if the answer is no then you break up, there is no other option you will feel better and meet someone, plenty fish in the sea and all that.
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aprilia 125 Af1 Futura >> Suzuki gsxr 600 srad >> J1 zx6r >> cbr 600rr >> Speed Triple

[waffles]

Depression is a terrible thing, any situation is going to appear worse than it actually is if your head is not in the right place. Get yourself sorted first, go to your doctor and get some advice. Tackle the marriage issues later when you can make sensible decisions.
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Theory test - 19/8/09, CBT - 11/10/09, MOD 1 - 16/8/10, MOD 2 - 27/10/10
Past rides Yamaha XT125X, Triumph TT600, Honda XR250
Current rides Suzuki GSXR 600, Honda MSX125

[WannaBeDude]

Beside having kids that you HAVE to be there for, you need to realise that MANY people are on their own, and in doing so come to realise how liberating it can be.

You have a life, one life, and can still live it and enjoy it at times.

Whilst you may not see it now, think about what you can do, besides ending it.

See the doc for more meds to help you sleep, be there for the kids, talk to the few close people besides her.

Don't make any conclusions, of a future that is yet to materialise.

Cut out the alcohol.

Do all the above, then report back after a week or two, aswell as listening to others on here.

Man punch tits gary of course.
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Jogging on, destination living.

[dsb79]

First things first, before you put a bottle or pill to your mouth think of your kids. Depression can hit anyone from the most upbeat to joe blogs and for the smallest things. There are people there to help you get through this and you don't need to do it on your own. When your wife comes back ask if she wants to talk about it and if not leave it at that. Sounds you both have things that are. It great at the moment but getting stressed with each other won't help. We all need a break at times. Take this one for you as well and do something you like with the kids take them bowling or cinema. Chin up and all that shit but pm me if you want to just chat to a stranger.

[Handsome]

Well...

I'm amazed at the sheer childishness of you both, you want to top yourself and she doesn't want responsability, you both need to pull your heads out of your arses and get a fucking grip...

As above, try councelling, if that's a no go or it doesn't work then you both have no choice but to finish the relationship, if it's not working chances are it never will, why put the kids through your insecurities, it will have an effect on them in the long run...

If she doesn't want to be in the relationship then so be it, but you can't make someone love you and trying to get her back whilst she's in this mindset may push her further away, a relationship at this stage has to follow it's natural course, even if that course is to it's end...

You have to be the stronger person for the sake of the kids, she'll either grow up at some point and want to see them or she wont, if she doesn't then no loss to the kids as a Mother that's not going to be there or be there and show no interest may aswell not be there at all...

Seriously, whatever has caused you in the past to feel like topping yourself you need forget about, you have responsabilities as a Father, do right by the kids first and foremost, the relationship will go where it goes, if it ends you'll get over it at some point and meet someone that is into you completely...

Kids First.
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Previous Bikes...Honda NSR 125 RR...Kawasaki Zephyr 550...Suzuki SV 1000 S...Yamaha FZ8...Current Bike...Suzuki GSX-R 750...

[The Artist]

So this is where covdude managed to keep his green blobs alive.

[WannaBeDude]

[regular guy]

I am reading your responses and they are actually making me feel better, I genuinely didnt expect to get responses of this calibre.

having tears in my eyes as I respond probably just shows what an idiot I really am and that there is more to this than just the relationship.

Dont get me wrong I still feel like shit but I am surprised that by just typing it out and reading your thoughts on my life is quite overwhelming.

I sincerely thank those that have taken the time to respond and if I could rate I would.

[WannaBeDude]

Don't be shy in coming back to the thread until your on the mend.

These things take time, and no amount of words and encouragment will change it over night.

But regular perpective found, and a will to get menial things done in the mean time is whats needed.

Keep the roof over your head and food on the table, and other things will fall into place.


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Jogging on, destination living.

[Paddy Blake]

[GhostRider]

I seriously struggle to see how anyone can think their life is not worth living without X or Y woman, only exception being your mother, but that would pass as well, and is understandable.

Why should you care? Because you'll fuck your kids heads up for life probably, fuck knows what kind of psychological damage it will do to them, they'll blame themselves probably. Your wife already seems to have lost interest in them, so no support there....that's a poor prognosis if I ever saw one.

You won't be the first single dad, you certainly ain't gonna be the last, I understand you have mental issues of your own, but it's time to find those testicles of yours and soldier on. Stay away from the drinks cabinet.

GhostRider
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I have all the characteristics of a human being: blood, flesh, skin, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I don't know why. My nightly bloodlust has overflown into my days. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy. I think my mask of sanity is about to slip.

[Ariel Badger]

Believe me, you can get over anything in time and you have time as a mature adult to do that, however your children are developing day by day and the things that they hear, they see and happen to them will affect them for the rest of their lives. you do not get a second chance at childhood so as parents it is your responsibility to do the best for your kids.
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Bikers make great organ donors, get 115 on your licence today.

[st3v3]

Handsome's reply was pretty much my thoughts.

One thing that I do wonder, is, if you told her to get lost, (nicely), just go and be on her own for a while, say a couple of months then do you think it would help her?

There's 2 ways this goes:

1) she see's how you get on without her, you're struggling but not enough to make her think she carries any real weight in the relationship - that you can manage as a unit without her supporting it and she comes back in appreciation of her new found view.

2) she feels great, unsmothered and wants to stay this way. This is bad for you but only as long as you feel it has to be. You got kids to attend to, so has she. It's neither fair on them or family and freinds to do something stupid which leaves kids as the only victims.

Get a backbone, tell her to try being on her own for a bit then it's on your terms and if she's ready to be a part of the family once she's reached her senses then you'll give it another go.


Oh, and once a month get a sitter; call some mates and have a lads night in/out. Will do you the world of good.
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Roger wrote: Women don't get damp for clingy puppies. Get some better happy pills, hit the gym & buy a medallion the size of a dinner plate. Job done

[Paddy Blake]

[WannaBeDude]

Yes, in this early stage, imo the OP is in need of simplistic thought processes, that enable him to carry on and function without overwhelming feelings.

In days or weeks to come, more specific ' choice's ' can be addressed, but for now, a little lift and kind words help.
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Jogging on, destination living.

[TUG]

Sounds like you've got it bad there with the depression, your spirialing out of control atm, i've been there myself.

If you aren't on meds atm, get on them and get help thats your first major step! As for your wife, theres no other way of putting it mate, the flame you once had is starting to die, you could try gettin away with her away from the kids work etc, but i think you might find it's too late now, i know it seems tough but women come and go and is the reason i dont put my complete faith in them. the truth is you need to find your strength again, you've become weak depending on things other than yourself which is natural, of course it is.

Your kids need you to grow up propperly, i lost my dad to depression and although he might of thought it was the best way it has fucked me and my 2 brother's lives up the wall, we are pretty unstable thanks to it.

If you want to talk to me personally then pm me either with this account or your other one, thats upto you, but the first step to getting better is admittance. i've been in your kids shoes, i've loved and lost (all my relationships bar one have been years long) and i've got depression myself, certified and all that.
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Haz ER-5, innit!

[st3v3]

[colin1]

She didnt say she didnt love you, but she isnt in love with you. There is a difference. She may think she wants more from life than staying with someone she loves but isn't in love with.

I personally think, she needs to not throw things away. Maybe there are ways to inject a bit of extra something into the relationship. The problem is she will probably think this has to all come from you rather than from her too.

I think it's worth working on. If you cant convince her of that, you need to manage the changes, and how they affect your kids.

It may feel unbearable, but you have a responsibilty to your kids to keep it together.

Personally, I think mental health drugs replace one set of problems with another, but as a short term measure, to get you through a difficult time, they may be of help. Don't let anyone fill you with any bullshit that you need them long term as there is an imbalance in your brain, that's when people get fucked up on them.
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colin1 is officially faster than god

[WannaBeDude]

I have absolutely no experience with depression and truth be told I honestly hope I never get any but I was trying to offer a little option from an outside view, mine is no less valid than yours since we're voting from the same perspective = not his.

Why don't you STFU !
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Jogging on, destination living.

[Wafer_Thin_Ham]

Sounds pretty shitty, suffice to say if she wants time to herself, let her go. Give here a month of you not contacting her at all. Yes it hurts, but it gives you both time to sort your heads out and stop hurting. I don't believe you can just get over someone you've spent several years with in a few weeks. After that four weeks just have a no pressure meeting and see how it goes.
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[Rogerborg]

Women don't get damp for clingy puppies. Get some better happy pills, hit the gym and buy a medallion the size of a dinner plate. Job done.
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[Alpha-9]

MTFU?

Nothing I can say that hasn't already been said.
If you think killing yourself over a woman is worth it and you're that selfish towards your children then do it. Natural selection.

Except you wont do it.

Jsut break up with her, whoopdydoo, so you'll go through a divorce and blah blah it sucks yeah, you'll soon be happier once you're living for yourself.

personally I live to make myself happy, not some derpy woman who cant count her blessings and has a high self-worth

She's only gonna cheat if you don't break up anyway

So hit the road jack, and dont you come back no more no more no more no more.

[st3v3]

[angryjonny]

While I may not put it in quite the same words as Rogerborg, I agree with the sentiment here that you're not going to be able to think straight about this until you get your head sorted.

It's a lonely place to be, I don't doubt that, and I'm sure your brain is screaming for you to get yourself out of this situation by whatever means. But if you're depressed (the word is overused but I think it applies here) your judgement is going to be somewhat askew until you get yourself on some medication.

Basically, step one in the "regular guy" recovery process is to get yourself down to the doctor and get some medication.

You're not the only person in this situation I'm sure. It might be worth finding yourself a counsellor, talking through your problems face to face with a third party who is going to come up with more constructive responses than "grow a pair". Snap judgements and kneejerk reactions have no place when there are so many people who will undoubtedly be affected by whatever transpires. You're going to have to be strong enough to tough this out until you're in a position to make a decision that's best for everyone involved. And regardless of what you think (and it is tempting to fall into a spiral of despair) ending it all is *not* best for anyone.