smegballs
World Chat Champion
Joined: 28 Oct 2007
Karma :  
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 Posted: 22:06 - 11 Jun 2012  Post subject: Seeing as BCF loves shit stories so much... |
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Too much shit for one man to handle
Spent about an hour reading through laughing like a little girl. |
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Fairies attack
Banned
Joined: 21 May 2011
Karma : 
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Posted: 03:17 - 12 Jun 2012  Post subject: |
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It's 3am, and i've just woken my whole house up reading this one:
| Quote: | Anonymous 06/05/12(Tue)23:07 No.11840077
>be deployed
>deployed to the tick's armpit on the asshole of Iraq up innafoothills
>MRE's only foods available cuz onna COP
>know gum/coffee/ranger puddin tricks
>barely scrape by, thanks to the large quantities of Charmin coming in care packages from middle schoolers
>get rotated back to main FOB for some bullshit briefing
>7 hour drive
>consume Chili Mac MRE enroute
>also consume both the cinnamon gum AND the coffee pack, hoping to enjoy shitting in something other than a 55gal. drum w/ a piece of plywood over it
>get to FOB in time for noon chow
>Holy mother of balls, they have CRAB LEGS and STEAK
>consume enough crab legs and steak I had to undo top button on pants
>halfway through 3hr briefing....
>stomach doing very good cement-truck impression
>excuse self
>go to lovely, air-conditioned, fully-enclosed CHU shitters conveniently 3ft from door to briefing room
>all sound and fury, no substance
>stomach quiets down to low rumble
>return to briefing
Continued for your reading pleasure
>>
Anonymous 06/05/12(Tue)23:07 No.11840084
>>11840077
Continued for your pleasure!
>get the *crickets* treatment upon reentering
>only enlisted soldier there
>butterbar-bro stage-whispers I was farting so hard it shook the projector
>be impressed with self
>not 5 minutes later...
>stomach goes from discontented grumble to trying to out-shout an F5 hurricane in about 3 seconds
>jump to feet, bolt for exit
>fullbird literally grabs me by the collar
>"where you goin junior? You've already missed half the briefing!"
>Sir, I-
>PPPPHHHFFFFPPPFFFFFPPPFFFFTTTTTTPPFFFFPPFFFFTTTTTTTT
>black shit-water spraying out of my ass so hard its being blown through the fabric of both my boxers AND my DCU's
>splatter 3 entire rows of junior officers with coffee-colored shitwater
>pressurized liquid shit explodes from my anus for a solid 45seconds
>I cannot remain on my feet
>collapse to hands and knees, ass pointed to the heavens as if begging for salvation from this torment
>finally, the torrent tapers off
>I'm so physically exhausted I'm struggling to breathe
>stunned silence
>somebody starts the slow clap
>the stench. Oh my God the stench. 4 months of tabasco and Texas Pete-fueled MRE-shit stench released in a span of under a minute
>medics have to wheel me out on a gurney, I'm too weak to stand
>the incident was never mentioned again within our unit
And so ends the story on how I managed to shit on myself AND 11 officers in 45 seconds flat. |
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Ariel Badger said - Ever tried Chinese preserved (100 year) eggs? Man are they rank, like eating fart flavoured snot. |
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GhostRider
World Chat Champion
Joined: 31 Jan 2008
Karma :  
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| Posted: 11:45 - 12 Jun 2012 Post subject: |
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| Quote: | “My anus literally turns into a wormhole bringing forth a cacophony of Lovecraftian horrors from beyond the veil of human understanding” |
Best. Line. Ever.
Had me in stitches....in the middle of the office. Times like this I hate when your colleagues ask "what are you laughing about", the more you say "oh nothing", the more they want to know. When you give in and show you, somehow your a sick disgusting bastard....
GhostRider
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I have all the characteristics of a human being: blood, flesh, skin, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I don't know why. My nightly bloodlust has overflown into my days. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy. I think my mask of sanity is about to slip. |
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