Any 'single' Dads - advice required.

[mistergixer]

I posted a little while ago that MrsGixer and I had come to the end of our relationship and were separating.

Since that thread, I thought we'd patched things up, but over the last few weeks it has become apparent that this is not the case.

She has again demanded that I move out, and we separate.

This news has taken me to some dark places, because my boys are my life and the reason I stay alive.

Part of me thinks that, in the case of divorce etc, a child's place is to stay with their mother.

But, another part of me thinks - fuck that, they're my boys, and they should stay with me.

I believe there are some full-time dads on here, and I'd be interested to hear from you with regards to how you cope with being a 'full-time' dad. Do you work, and if so, how to juggle that with looking after the kids.

For information purposes, the kids involved are aged 3 and 5. I currently work full-time, but would drop my job (or anything else for that matter) at the drop of a hat in order to keep my boys with me.
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[Kradmelder]

You know the expression the darkest hour is before dawn? Or is it not english?

I had the same feelings. My duty is with my kids blah blah. 10 years later I can tell you my relationship with my kids improved. One burden lifted from my life. Kids doing fine.

It is normal for a man to be plagued with guilt, thinking he must be there for the kids. )Ou will always be there if you want. Even when the heifer 'breeds' a new man.

You are facing the worst. It is only you kicking yourself. The kids want you. So just be there, don't bad mouth their mom no matter what she says about you, and it will lift. It is like a russian cuban and darkie mortar stonk: a big noise, keep your nerve, you will see it through and soldier on.

Like every man you will feel alone and like. You have failed. See it through. You haven't. You can still be a father

Now be british and keep a stiff upper lip and face this like a white man. You will get over it. What ever your values, I don't give a shit, you will still pass them on. You are just lookinhg at the current crisis. The sun will riser tomorrow and you are still a man
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[-LG-]

[WannaBeDude]

Just remember, to be their light, you need to stay out of the dark as much as poss

[Kradmelder]

Regarding where the boys live, I thought like you. Belong with the heifer that dropped them.

The lawyers said it doesn't matter what I think; they do what is best for the kids. I was only asked 'how would you feel about having the kid stay with you?'.

It is tough. Orgainisng transport etc. My kids were 1 and 4. We split times 50 50. Just like they bleed every mobth you will get drama and BS every month, just keep going. 'Chemistry,. My boy went thru mama and papa phases. The older a boy gets the more he wants papa.
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2011 KTM 990 Dakar
2009 BMW 1200 GS

[Polarbear]

From what I have seen from people I know splitting up, unless you can show your ex is unfit to look after your boys, you have very very little chance of getting custody. Sorry, but I think custody is very much weighted towards the mother.
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[D O G]

I don't mean to sound like a prick (or your ex), but I'm going to anyway.

Lay off the reefer for a bit, it will help.

[cornish]

It is sadly. EDIT: that's related to court's weighted towards the mother not methods of relaxation

i'm gutted for you that it's not panned out with you and Mrs G

The few dad's i know in separated families seem to all have felt that they are losing their children in the early stages. But they do also all now have happy, functioning families and it seems to be a re-arrangement and a big adjustment more than a total loss. Having said that, i hear what you are saying, i can't imagine how i'd be if i had to live somewhere different to Tiny Cornish.

I do know two dads with different arrangements, one has joint custody the other has sole custody. The sole custody only came about because the courts agreed the mother was not suitable (i've tarted that up, you can imagine what i mean) and even that was after a lengthy fuckwit family court debacle. He had to give up work and all that entails so had a tough time for a while. But, has since got a new partner and life is lots better.

The joint custody one works very well indeed. Little person is really happy, both parents are also happy and can both work. They live about 15 mins walk from each other which is a big factor imo. Dad in that family is my mate. I know him a lot more than mum, they're both lovely, but cos he's my mate i saw more of his experience of it.

He had a big dip when they first separated, as you would losing the way you thought your life was. On top of all child issues there is still the fact you've lost your relationship too and he was devastated. But, it's been a few years and he's like a different bloke now. Joined a band, got a different job (less pay but much happier) and has turned out to be a fantastically talented photographer (much more talented than he thinks he is). The relationship between him and his ex wife is now very good but i don't think either of them could even picture that at the beginning. It's been a long road for both of them.

Family court imo is like fuckwit bingo. There seems to be no rhyme or reason or consistency with their decisions. My personal recommendation to you is do anything to avoid it. If you can find any way to do so try to discuss things between yourselves if you can. Things are bound to be heated and, from your point of view, you've had your life whipped out from under you so it'll be very hard to be diplomatic and not say things out of being angry and hurt.

The 'avoid court option' if it's (understandably) just too tough is mediation, which is free iirc. It's basically talking through a 3rd party which can be done together or separately as required.

That's a lot of disjointed bits of info, sorry. It seems every situation is different so you and Mrs G will have to find something that works for your family, which will be tough but worthwhile.

Keep your chin up
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[mad4it028]

my brother got custody of his 2 kids, the only problem i know he had was with new relationships as all the single women had kids too so they couldnt live together easily, also alot of women seamed put off thinking he was looking for a mother figar for his kids this was not the case he pretty much ended up single up till his kids grew up
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[Howling TerrorOutOfOffice]

Heyup Mr, some kind of joint custody usually works out better for the parents. Sod the kids...they're resilient little buggers, so-long as they feel loved and special and... fed. Yes, remember to feed them.
Joint ownership has the benefit that both parents get free time to rediscover themselves should they choose...also handy when you're having a tough time at work and could do without clearing up after a frontroom disaster play zone.

You'll be living close by I presume. Don't bugger off until you've got an excellent shag-pad sorted. Also happens that the kids will love choosing the colours for their new room(s). You'll paint yours in a neutral colour..it's what blokes do. Your little recording studio however will be 'effing cosmic.Your kitchen skills will be taken to new and unheard of heights.

After many many portions of time have passed you may want to get jiggy with another alien...when you do you will be a sex god. Don't ask me how it happens, it just does.
All this time you have been dragging your kids to things you want to see and do under the pretence of being a great Dad.

Can't lie. You'll both miss out on certain aspects but as time goes by you miss out less and less..it gets easier.

Another bonus...You'll lose weight.....Alas hair regrowth doesn't happen.

Pat
Bald sex god.

[Skudd]

I'm a single Dad who is the primary carer. No offence to women, but everything is geared up to women looking after them. My ex walked out on us and it was with the help of my parents that I was able to manage. I worked day time so the Grandparents did the day time cover and I did the evening cover.
Eventually the ex wanted them to stay with her but the kids didn't want to, so it ended up them just staying with their mother at the weekends. Their mother couldn't look after them for half the week as she was on nights and didn't have her parents to help out (although they are local and could have helped her)
My kids at the time were eight and ten so a little bit older than yours so that will make some difference.
The big thing is getteing the familly allowance into your name, that opens so many doors when it comes to helping with finance and home finding.
We didn't go to court for custody as it was obvious that the only people that win are the legal bods. She did go to a solicitor to divorce me. I went to CAB and haven't spent a penny over the last six years and she is still waiting for me to sign, but I will make her wait the seven years.
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[mistergixer]

[-LG-]

[scorps]

Children should live with the parent who can offer them the most stability, this is generally the mother which is why courts appear to be baised. It is the quality of time you spend with them that counts so if they have a good stable life with a loving mum then you leave them with her and see them regularly. It is always a better situation for everyone if parents play fair. Your children will benefit from there being less stress.

It always goes wrong when parents fight and use the kids against each other and obviously in some cases it is the mother who walks away so the situation reverses. Not all mothers turn into witches in a split and not all fathers turn into whining arseholes. If you are both happier apart then there is no reason why your children cant be happy sharing their time between you both.
Good luck
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[Ol]

Having been in an almost identical position in the last month or so, I can 100% sympathise with what you're going through.

I am constantly feeling like I've lost my kids, and only time and effort will stop that feeling... Regarding custody, pretty much as said above really - who would the kids be better off with? Are they in any danger with their mum? If not, organise to see them X amount of times a week and really put some effort into making that time special not only for the kids, but for you too!

I genuinely wish you all the best of luck - it's not going to be an easy road to take
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[Paddy Blake]

I just want to check that you married and not partners as being married you would have a chance in court.

First don't move out until you get some sort of situation you are happy with.In writing.
If you move out she will have what she wants and from then on you may have to fight to get what you want.

If you honestly think your kids would be better off with you then tell her to move out. Why should you move out if you two are not getting on if you think you could be the better parent.

To answer your question.
I had to stop work for two years.I moved into a flat and got my son into a better school.
I got to know people at the school and a friend of my son was being looked after by his granny after school so I asked if she would look after my son as well.
She said she would and didn't need to be paid but I payed her anyway as you would.
I was now back in work.
On summer holidays I sent him off to football camp and the like each day and he loved it.

If it goes to court expect to be called an alco/druggie/possibly a peado or anything else if it gets mean.
Blood test and hair follicle test are likely.


By the way if you set off fireworks this year like you did last time then you have no chance with the kids .

[swampy]

[temeluchus]

Enlist a solicitor NOW. Do not agree to anything that isn't in writing involving said solicitor.

Good luck.
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[Polarbear]

[Paddy Blake]

[Zen Dog]

[pixie522]

[andym]

I don't have any kids of my own, but my wife and her ex husband had a loose verbal agreement on access... they would live with their mum and he could see them whenever he wanted (take them out on day trips etc). He met another woman and they moved into a house together and one of the days he was supposed to take them out for the day he didn't bother to return them. After a long (and expensive), court battle he won custody of them.

Just over 3 years ago, I got fed up with the sexual abuse allegations he was making against my wife and suggested she should take him to court to get more access (youngest was allowed 1 hour supervised contact per fortnight)... we were expecting half weeks at best, but after a 54 page report by a psychologist on the way he was mistreating her kids she got full custody back. Now the kids don't even speak to their father, and the only thing he asked for at court was alternating Christmas' (which the kids have decided they are breaking this year).

I can't really offer any real advice that hasn't been said already... But even though there is probably a lot of tension between the two of you, try to keep it civil for the kids, if they are old enough explain what is happening... Get some kind of agreement about access (if they live with you or her), make sure a solicitor looks over it with both of you, and no matter what petty squabbles you and your missus have... don't use the kids as a weapon against the other partner....

[MCW]

What everyone else has said about putting kids first etc.

Also, a word of warning about solicitors. Be very careful which one you choose. When my ex left I was really unwell and very vulnerable. I had legal aid (my daughter was 15 months). I ended up with a paternalistic, racist shit who was determined to portray my ex as badly as he could in court. I kept saying I wanted what was best for my daughter and that she needed her father in her life, but I think he'd been watching too many courtroom dramas and was just out to score points. This just made everything worse, and my ex blamed me and left the country (he's from South America).

It made a bad situation ugly and I felt totally out of control. Had I been well enough, I should have insisted on a different solicitor. Once I was better, I got a different solicitor, who listened to what was best for mini-MCW and facilitated a much better agreement for all of us, mini-MCW thrived and I have a good relationship with her father. When I look back though, I think that solicitor should have been struck-off.

[Kradmelder]