Staying in a relationship for the sake of a child...

[Glen]

...as per the title; is it ever the right thing to do...?

Back story;

Currently 4 Yrs into a relationship with the missus, we have a 2 Yr old lad and we're currently living with her parents while we save for a house of our own. I own a house in my own right which is being let to tenants.

I've known for some time that i'm no longer physically attracted to my partner and despite her being an absolute gem of a mum we bicker about all sorts of shit, she's started to notice that i'm becoming more and more withdrawn and it's causing friction in the house.

Am I being a selfish twat for wanting to be happy? Should I just MTFU and get on with it for the sake of my lad? Can that ever work long-term?

[Quornholio]

No.

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[-Matt-]

I don't think 'staying together for the kids' is ever a good idea. Kids aren't stupid, and get clever quick with age, knowing they're living with two people that hate each other and witnessing all the fallout is probably a lot worse than going to visit their seperated parents who are [hopefully] much happier apart.

Is it really time to consider leaving though - you said you aren't attracted to her physically, have you talked to her about this - if its a toss up of leaving her or discussing it all with her, especially if you do still get on half the time, surely thats worth a shot first

[Raffles]

Ship-out now otherwise you're only delaying the inevitable.
Sorry
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[Raffles]

[-Matt-]

Probably not well, but it can't be worse than walking straight out the door - if she cares about the relationship enough it might make her make an effort to 'get the spark going' again.

[CaNsA]

You guys need your own place sooner rather than later.

The fact you are living with someone else parents mean that you cant be the couple you were.

The bickering stems from the lack of space.

[angryjonny]

Difficult to generalise really, but I'd reckon kids will grow up better-adjusted with separated parents who can be civil than with parents who are forcing themselves together like opposed magnets and always squabbling.

However, as per many things in life, situations can escalate quickly. So if you split be careful not to get into a 2-decade slanging match. Kids need security and bickering parents (separated or together) don't give them that.

Also, Cansa makes some sense, above. Any reason you're not living as a family in this house you own?

[Glen]

I don't know how the hell to broach the subject tbh. We're living under the feet of her parents and sister so any attempt to do it will result in Hiroshima MKII...

From what I can see she's still totally loved up and puts the bickering down to stress at work/living conditions etc....

I genuinely can't see the spark ever being there for me again, we're more like brother and sister in my eyes.

[CaNsA]

If you want to work then get a place sooner rather than later.

[Glen]

[-Matt-]

[P.addy]

Sounds silly, but can you not shift your tenants on and move into the already secured house? Only reason I can see this being a no is if its too small.

Could be the living conditions... I find it easier to live away from everyone.

[Glen]

Paddy, see above. She won't move back to the old house due to where it is. She also has a new job in the area plus my lad is settled into a nursery.

[angryjonny]

[nowhere.elysium]

[Glen]

The dog image made me laugh more than it should.

As for the the car; we have one between us so getting back and forth from Barnsley was never an issue, just the time taken to do it (40 whole minutes)

And yes angryjohnny, it does sound unreasonable... at the time we were at a serious low point and arguing constantly.. I was working in China for extended periods of time and she wasn't working at all and claiming she was depressed so going along with it at the time seemed the best way to keep the peace....

[anthony_r6]

Bottom line is that you're not happy with her anymore (as a partner) - It's time to leave, but do so amicably as to not start a custody war.
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[Robby]

How old are you?

Your woman will get less attractive as she ages. This is inevitable. You will too.

However, you said you're more like a brother and sister. I understand that means something else up north (local etiquette thing, in London it's frowned upon to have children with your siblings).

Sounds like you have someone who is the mother of your child and your best friend, but not as attractive as you want.

Two out of three isn't bad. MTFU and do her doggy.

Or tell her she's fat, then buy her a bicycle.

[angryjonny]

[Copycat73]

[Glen]

Very likely.

We have 2K in savings and I get a £5k retention bonus in Jan plus performance linked bonus in April (maximum of £15k but looking like 8-10K) houses are only £90-120k ish for what we're looking for, so come Jan we're not actually far from a 10% for the lower end.

[stevo as b4]

You can't go ahead and buy a house together surely though if one of you really doesn't want to be with the other person. If it was only the physical attraction waning on your part and everything else was totally great, then you have more reason to try to work stuff out and keep it together?

The thing is though if you don't feel any physical attraction at all towards your partner which is a horrible thought really, then I think you are well aware that sooner or later you will go elsewhere for excitement and sex etc. It does not matter how good your intentions are, or how strong your feelings on not cheating may be, you can only go so long without the physical attraction.

I'm not so sure that having an affair when there's young children involved is ever going to be a fair or acceptable thing. Older kids will understand adult emotions etc, but you will just been seen as a nasty bastard if you end up shagging another women and then leaving your Mrs or worse getting found out and having your Mrs turn everyone including the kids against you!

[Nobby the Bastard]

Is there any in-surmountable reason why the 12 miles is an un-reasonable distance to travel?

For example, no public transport, no licence etc?

Quite frankly, if you said that it was 100 miles away I'd have said that it was a reason to discuss moving closer.

But 12 miles? I do 40 miles a day just going to and from work...
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