Abuse and Relationships

[Drifter]

Any advice welcomed.

Hello I'm not just some random person before anyone says anything I'm just using this to hide my real identity; you can understand why.

Anyway this is kind of hard to talk about makes me feel disgusted and ashamed. But when I was younger I was abused by my older brother (I'm a guy). Wasn't just me that he abused it was also my friend when he came over and a family friends kid. The images are quite vivid even to this day. It wasn't anything too deep, however it was just sizing competition and he did oral (didn't know what was happening at the time I was about 6 he was 10).

My brother when he was younger did get beaten regularly by my father with a thick leather belt and then brother took the abuse out on me. Used to hit, kick, bite, spit, throw table legs at me. Also made me stand in fear for an hour ended up urinating standing still. Anyway since then I've only ever had one relationship (didn't last long nothing sexual) I'm in my late 20's now left home obviously still a virgin. I did tell my ma (the only person other than this site now) a few years later but think she is in denial/or thinks I'm lying.

Now a friend of mine is trying to hook me up with someone I can't obviously tell him I'm not that open on this subject. However I don't really see the need for a relationship, don't have that calling like other people to be with other people. Yes I do find gals hot and have sexual feelings but relationship and actually doing anything don't think it would work well. I'm not that confident/interesting/funny so not like hooking up works that well anyway.

Just after advice will I get over this in the end I've had counseling before several times never worked never helped.

Makes me feel wrong that I should be in a relationship 90% of the people I know have got kids, others have relationships ongoing etc.


Sorry for the long winded post but had to get it out there, think it's time I tried to do something.

[trevor saxe-coburg-gotha]

[gbrand42]

I'm not going to say a lot as I'm no expert on this.

I think you have made a massive step by wanting to discuss this, and the anonymity of a new user name on a forum is a perfect means to do so. Well done for making this first step, much damage can be done by keeping these things buried deep down.

I'm my opinion you are not currently ready to be hooked up with someone, I know you said counselling had failed in the past but I really think it could be the key to getting this sorted out for you. Have you considered some sort of hypnotherapy?

Will you get over this? Yes absolutely you can get through this and get on with your life. You won't ever forget what happened, but I'm sure you can gain the means to understand and cope with your past in such a way as no not impact on your future life. There are loads of people in similar situations that are leading happy and fulfilled lives, so there is no reason why you can't be the same.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do and I wish you all the best on your journey ahead.
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[The Shaggy D.A.]

Hit the gym, beat the fuck out of your brother, close that chapter.
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[Rogerborg]

STOP THINKING START RIDING.
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[trevor saxe-coburg-gotha]

[Hetzer]

[SlimRick]

[Tracey Suntan-King]

Hetzer sounds harsh, however the essence being that you can't change the past but you can change how you see historic events and by doing so improve your present and future.

It is a temptation to blame actions by others for our present fears/failings. You are in control of your life, no-one else.
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Whether you think you can, or think you can't, you're probably right

[Hetzer]

[silky666]

[Conzar]

The solution to all this is cocaine...lots of it.
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[Raffles]

As a young child I, too, was regularly subjected to severe, systematic beatings from my elder brothers. There was two of the bastards, so I probably received twice as much abuse as you (but without the blow-jobs). I reckon that this isn't uncommon amongst siblings though the severity probably does vary quite a bit.
It may sound harsh but you really do need to grow a pair (and you need to start using them). Don't bother with counselling, it's a waste of time. You also need to stop whingeing on internet forums. You should get out there and get some shagging done.
As you are inexperienced you don't yet realise that a lot of (most?) women aren't interested in having interesting little chats. They just want some hard knob.....So go give 'em some.

HTH
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A good loser will always be a loser.

[hachi8]

[Pete.]

[JP7]

Firstly, I hope that getting it all down in writing has helped get things off your chest. Actually talking about it is a good way of dealing with things. I am one of the worst people for keeping things to myself, and as you have seen with your experiences, bottling it up just turns it into a bigger problem. You're now in your late 20s and haven't yet dealt with things that happened when you were 6.

Secondly, you talk about feeling disgusted and ashamed. You need to tell yourself that there is no reason for you to be ashamed. This is not about actions that you took and now regret. This is something that happened to you, and at the age you were you wouldn't have had the wherewithal to protest. Dealing with this aspect will hopefully take some of the shame out of it. In fact, most children will experiment with sexual activity at some point before they even understand what it is. At the age of 10, would your brother have had a sexual motive behind what was going on? If not, are you simply judging this based on your new perspective as an adult?

Have you actually sat down and discussed your feelings with your brother? You and he are both adults now and both will have a different perspective on what happened. Yes, it's going to be a difficult conversation to have, but you won't be able to put this to bed until you find out what was going on in his mind at the time. What is your relationship like with him these days?

If you're not interested in a relationship then you're not interested. This is not necessarily a fault. Tell your mate that you're quite happy as you are for the time being, but thank him for thinking of you. Like you, I'm in my late 20s and I've never had anything resembling a relationship. I've always been quite content by myself. I do get a bit lonely on occasion, but generally I'm quite happy. Granted, I don't have much of a sex life, which is no fun. Like you, I've watched a lot of my friends get married and have children and I often wonder if I might be missing out. But for now, I'm quite happy as I am. If you don't want a relationship but you want a sex life, I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who would go for a "friends with benefits" setup.

Hopefully some of that helps. None of us can solve this for you, but perhaps you've got a few things to think about, that might offer you a new perspective.

[CaNsA]

[Ste]

Already done.

[Hetzer]

[Nexus Icon]

[hellkat]

[Robster]

Advice i've read/got when it comes to relationships is you have to feel contempt and happy with yourself before making any attempt at romance. As I found out the hard way all that suppressed stuff comes out in not very nice ways when you become close enough to a significant other.

Also i'll echo what others have said that you don't 'need' anyone in your life to be happy. I thought that getting a girlfriend would automatically mean all life's problems will be sorted, which is obviously wrong.

A lot of therapists are bikers; mine was and encouraged me to do my DAS, so mechanical therapy tool

Regarding your brother i'm sorry to hear that, it might be worth having that difficult talk, if he's still around and not too much of a cock end.

[Az]

[covent.gardens]

OP, just console yourself in the fact you will never be as fucked up as Hetzer is. There's always someone that's got it worse than you. I wouldn't necessarily even blame your brother, as 10 is very young and it doesn't sound like your dad was a fantastic role model. Well, everyone makes mistakes, you can forgive or not, and that's only for you to decide.

In the past 10 years (I'm 28) I have spent about 50% of the time, out of a relationship, and 50% of the time in one, and I'd struggle to choose in all honesty, the freedom of being single is often overlooked. What I'm trying to say is you might not have it as bad as you think you do! As you say you find girls hot but worry about a proper relationship, then I'd be aiming for a fuckbuddy if I were you, then you have the physical benefits and company, whilst still maintaining freedom. I'd accept your friends offer of trying to hook you up with someone, but say you don't want anything serious. Plenty of people feel like that - it's not abnormal.

Good luck.

[CaNsA]