So who is?

[dodgydog]

The thickest fucker you've ever met, and / or worked with?

I thought about this the other day, I was helping my nephew out on a building job, and he told me he had to sack his labourer as he "broke everything he fucking touched"

My candidate is "Daz" I was sadly paired with this thick cunt when we did white goods deliveries. In the course of one day I had the three stupidest questions I've ever been asked.
We were delivering around Scottish borders, then travelling south, going across the top end of the Lake district. I'd seen the puzzled look on his face for a while, before he asked me.
"You know these windscreen wiper things?"
Yes.
"Well when they're like, fucked an'that, can you turn them round and use the other side?"
Yes.

We then went down the West coast, into Workington. There's an industrial estate by the main road, with some wind turbines on it. Next question was on it's way.

"You know these big things, windmills an' that."
Yes.
"Are they like, instead of pylons or what?"
Yes.

We travelled down to Barrow in Furness then, and along the Southern edge of the Lake District, driving East on that road you get a nice view to your left of the Fells. Next question.

"So is this North Wales then now, or what?"
Yes, yes it is Daz.

Only a few days later, he'd been moaning about all the flies on the van windscreen, what difference it made to him I don't know, as he never did any of the driving and was asleep most of the day. I'd stopped for fuel and was inside paying, when I happened to glance across at the van, the thick twat was standing on the bonnet, cleaning the van windscreen, when I paid and went out, he'd only cleaned the windscreen with...a fucking Brillo pad? So that was that fucked, luckily (for him) the screen was cracked anyway, and was due to be changed the following week.

He had to go though, after he took a washer down a customers drive on the sack cart, between the house wall and the car was just over sack cart width, but the docile cunt, tried to turn the cart around between the house and the (three week old) car, denting the door, as the customer watched. Even then, he didn't see he'd done anything wrong, as in his words, "it's only a little fucking dent, wots she on about?" I might add, he said that within earshot of the unfortunate customer.

So that was "Daz".

edited to add;

It's not like he was some dumb kid either, he was late 30s.
____________________
I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realise that what you heard is not exactly what I meant

[GeorgeB.]

[duhawkz]

most young 'un these days appear to be as thick as pig shit.
____________________
"The guy is a worthless cunt and I honestly believe I would be a slightly happier person if he died." - Chris-Red

[Dalemac]

[Shaft]

About a hundred years ago, I worked as a store manager for a National chain of motor spares shops and, due to my l33t procedural skillz (for which read OCD) I was designated the area training store.

One day, along comes Mahmood (the name has been changed to protect the guilty) fresh out of Uni and sent into the big, wide world to learn something about real life, prior to him joining the family business.

Now, I can't say he was thick, he'd just graduated with a first class honours degree in micro biology, so he must've had some working brain cells, but his common sense level was below zero and even the simplist task was beyond him.

Amongst other things, I can remember having to teach him how to change a domestic light bulb, why you don't leave milk out of the fridge all day and why, when washing a vertical surface, you don't start at the bottom.

However, my favourite story comes after the company had gone into receivership and many staff had moved on to Halfords, including several of my manager mates and Mahmood.

I'm chatting to one of my old pals one day, when he asks me how I coped with "That thick cunt".

When I asked what he meant, it turns out he had tasked our young friend with unloading the stock delivery lorry, told him where he wanted various things put and then left him to it; about an hour later, my mate pops out to see how things are going and notices a strangely pungent smell and rather a lot of liquid covering most of the floor of the stock room.

Our hero had unloaded a considerable quantity of wet lead acid car batteries and stacked them neatly in a corner....................................................upside down!
____________________
Things get better with age; I'm close to being magnificent........
20 RE Interceptor, 83 Z1100A3, 83 GS650 Katana
WooHoo, I'm a Man Point Millionaire! https://www.bikechatforums.com/viewtopic.php?t=234035

[Fisty]

Smil....

No not really.

I worked with a guy called Chris. Chris made Smiler look like Prof Brian cox.
I asked him to cut a piece of inch box section with a hacksaw into 500mm lengths. This job should take no more than 45 minutes. After 2 hours he came back to me saying " We have run out of hacksaw blades, I snapped 6 and havn't even finished the first cut yet"

The thick cunt had been putting the blades in upside down and tried to use the smooth side to cut with.

A few weeks after the hacksaw incident he had a puncture in his car, he called me to help as he couldn't get the jack to work.
The retarded fucker had been trying to drive onto the scissor jack so it was under the flat tyre. Needless to say the jack was fucked.

He was supposed to have an HNC in mechanical engineering, i doubt the dumbass had even got a 10m swimming certificate.

Darwin got him in the end, heroin overdose. Thank fuck he didn't breed.
____________________
Quietly and consistently taking the piss.
TL1000R | Hayabusa | ZXR400 | TL1000S | Bandit 400 V
Fatter and faster than Fret

[andyscooter]

Again in the motor factor trade


Had a work experience lad got him to check part numbers against paperwork and put on a shelf

Which he did with all the part numbers facing inwards

Also had a habit of tripping over his own feet

He lasted two days before we shipped him off to the offices out of harms way or so we thought

They gave him a load of scanning to do which he put all the paperwork in the wrong way so was blank on the system


Its either him or the lad I had to rescue from a tree with a forklift
____________________
gilera runner vxr200 (chavped)
if its spelt wrong its my fat fingers and daft auto correct on my tablet

[c_dug]

I have a friend who thought the sun was a dead planet.

He even said it in a "duh, don't you know anything" kind of way. Much laughter ensued.

He has come out with many many more. I'll see what I remember.
____________________
I am a bellend, I am a man of constant sorrow, I am a gummy bear, I am a rock.

[Nexus Icon]

A guy I work with has his moments. One of my favourites was, whilst walking across the car park to our respective cars, he looked up at the sky and said,

"Isn't it weird how the clouds behind the sun move faster than the ones in front of it?"
____________________
Greetings from Shitsville!

[dodgydog]

When Daz was paired with some other unfortunate fucker, they had stopped for fuel, Daz was instructed to fill the van up while the driver went for a piss, he put £80 of petrol in the diesel van.

Another day, when he was with me and being even more bone idle and useless than usual. We were on our next to last delivery, we had a tumble dryer and a bed on the van, the bed was in five boxes. I went to see the customer and the (very well spoken) woman asked if I could take the boxes upstairs for her, I'd left Daz on the van to get the boxes out. I went back and he was standing with that stupid and gormless look on his face, he said "I don't know which it is".

It's the fucking bed Daz, in the fucking boxes, a fucking bed, here, in the fucking boxes, not that Daz, not that that fucking big white thing, you see that fucking big white thing, do you? well that's a fucking tumble dryer you cunt, THE FUCKING BED, WE'RE DELIVERING THE FUCKING BED, IN THE FUCKING BOXES. I got on the van and took the biggest box.....these you daft cunt, the fucking boxes, the big brown cardboard fucking boxes. I took the big box up the long drive, took it upstairs and went back. He was still looking puzzled, I really wanted to kill the cunt right then. I got the next box and took it up, then the next, and the next. I came back down and he was standing in the doorway with the last very small box, I was sweating by then, he handed me the box.

The well spoken woman then looked at him, then back to me and asked me if I always did all the work, I said yes, yes I do, every day.

She then said, in a lovely cut glass accent "Do you know what I would do young man?" I said no, what would you do? She said "I would wring his fucking neck". That was the best laugh I'd had all day, but he just stood and stared, I said yes, I might well take your advice before the day is out.

As it was, I dropped him off at home as usual, he asked me what time I would be picking him up the next day. I had to tell him, look Daz, I just can't fucking have you in this van anymore, you're fucking hopeless, fucking useless, your a lazy idle cunt, and it's killing me. He looked up again "so what time tomorrow then?".

I told him 03.30, for all I know, he might still be waiting to this day, I fucking hope he is.
____________________
I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realise that what you heard is not exactly what I meant

[Ariel Badger]

Many years ago I worked with a lad called Keith who thought a donkey jacket was made from a donkey. He also thought foxes enjoyed being hunted as if they didn't why would they join in?
____________________
Bikers make great organ donors, get 115 on your licence today.

[orac]

damn I thought I worked with some dopy bastards who struggle to understand the basics of using mechanical gain to make life easier. I have been fairly lucky to have worked with mostly semi useful people, mostly very lazy (which pisses me off no end). The biggest problem is when I get into a conversation that needs a little more knowledge. Had this one bloke, pete, try and tell me what computer programming is, yet the half wit had never programmed a single line.

then there is rich, dear god he has his head in the clouds, works hard enough but freaking time travelling aliens may get us all before he wakes up and smells the coffee.

then there is Justin who is now referred to as little bitch due to the fact that he whines like a little bitch non stop about every little thing.

then there is Charlie who think you should give a fuck about someone else's mother who just died, you don't no the other person, let alone their mother. that added to the fact that he is more lazy than a sloth in hibernation makes him exceedingly annoying.

the list could go like that for a while, but you get the idea, most people are lazy and annoying in some way
____________________
Current rides - 2016 Triumph Street Triple Rx, 1994 Suzuki Bandit 400 VM, TGB 204 Classic 125cc
"with nothing left to lose, there is everything to gain. It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog"

[Nick 50]

For me an ex wins this hands down in terms of thick people i've met.

Her 2 best:

On Margaret Thatcher:

"Was she the Queen before the Queen we have now?"

Her mam had just got a new kitchen put in. She noticed a new sink with new taps.

"Does that mean you get new water too?"

Suffice to say, that relationship didn't last long...........
____________________
Current Bikes: ZX7r 97 (Black Beauty), VFR400 NC24 (The banana)
Previous Bikes: Aprilia Tuono 03 (The Beast), CBR600f (97)
First bike: A GZ125 Lemon.......

[Robster]

Worked with a guy at a car rental company delivering cars.

Parked on someone's front lawn once - with the customer watching...

Had passed his driving test two months before getting this job, hadn't driven over 40mph, he was a complete liability, didn't know how to use the lights at night time, didn't know you had to slow down for corners - fuck knows how he's still alive.

Parked driver-door side so close to a garage wall and sat in the car looking puzzled for about two minutes wondering why he couldn't get out.

His job was to follow me to the customer's house, drop the car off, come back to the depot - repeat. he had no fucking sense of direction or familiarity with the area, and would repeatedly decide to 'race' me to a destination he had never been to before; overtaking my car and dissappearing off to fuck knows where, getting lost, then ringing me up complaining because i'd 'lost' him.

He was a lazy, feckless selfish idiot, who had a very attractive and smart girlfriend who he cheated on for a short fat girl.
____________________
Up the bum no babies.

[DRZ4Hunned]

90% of the people at my college.

[fatjames]

I work in an office, this place is full of people that have no idea what the hell is going on. Complete fucking retards. Most have no concept of how a customer should be treated and they don't have the ability to obtain knowledge. They always refer back to previous guesses when asked for information. Also, most of my colleagues are fat, ugly cunts as well as being completely stupid.

[-]

I worked as a sous chef when I was younger. I asked one of the thicker commis chefs to feed the staff. He decided to do steak and ale pies for them.

Now, what we used to do here was make huge batches, pour the mix into dishes, freeze them, then pop the frozen mix out of the dishes and put them back in the walk in freezer. The idea was that we didn't have enough of these dishes to store them all in the dish frozen, plus the fact that putting them straight into a commercial power combi oven could crack the dish.

You would put the frozen mix into the dish and put a frozen pie lid on top, then nuke them in the combi oven for 5 minutes or so. Anyhow, 5 minutes later and there's smoke pouring out of the oven. The dozy twat had just put the frozen lumps of meat and gravy straight onto the oven rack! The worst part was that he couldn't figure out what he'd done wrong.

I met some characters in catering. We had a kitchen porter called Robin who had a massive Jim Carey style quiff. One day he singed a bit of his quiff over an open gas flame cleaning an oven. A couple of the chefs laughed about it. Now Robin's whole aim in life was to shag waitresses and make people laugh. Now he knew it was funny when his hair went up in flames, he hatched a plan.
As we were having a smoke break, Robin appeared with a butane torch and aimed it straight at his quiff. His hair went up in flame pretty quickly and carved a valley all the way down the centre of his quiff, a bit like the scouse burglars in Snatch when the shotgun goes off taking the middle of his Barnett out. It was impossible not to laugh! We had to give Robin a written warning about not mutilating himself to make others laugh.

____________________
TZR250 2MA road, TZR250 1KT road, TZR250 2MA race, TDR250, YZF-750R Boost colours.
Jaguar S Type 3.0 V6 Sport R, VW Transporter T5 GP LWB Shuttle 140ps DSG.

[-]

One of my ex girlfriends came out with this... On wanting to watch "The Titanic", I said I wasn't too fussed as I knew what would happen anyway. She came out with "How on earth could you know the ending, you haven't even seen it yet?!"

Cue silence in the pub..... "It's the f**king Titanic, it sinks.... or maybe they changed the ending..... Iceberg! ooooo sh*t the bed, that was close!".
____________________
TZR250 2MA road, TZR250 1KT road, TZR250 2MA race, TDR250, YZF-750R Boost colours.
Jaguar S Type 3.0 V6 Sport R, VW Transporter T5 GP LWB Shuttle 140ps DSG.

[dodgydog]

[weasley]

I used to work in product development which required creating formulations from a number of ingredients to be mixed together for testing and what-not. You would write the formulation on a piece of paper, take it to the lab and use it as a recipe sheet for putting the mixture together. The dosage of each component was expressed as a % mass, which was then multiplied up to get the final sized blend.

I was training a fresh, new graduate and let them put together their own blend recipe. They took it to the lab to get started, so I wandered over to take a peek at what they had come up with (y'know, steal the glory if it turns out to be a winner). After a quick glance at the formulation I said:

"Y'know it has to add up to 100%?"

Them: "Why?"
____________________
Yamaha XJ600 | Yamaha YZF600R Thundercat | KTM 990 SMT | BMW F900XR TE

[Itchy]

[Doovy]

[Rogerborg]

[chris-red]

[scorpia4]

I have a friend called Kaleb. He's not very bright. I once had to spend an hour explaining to him that ISIS and Israel are not the same thing. He said Israel was beheading journalists. It was extremely infuriating. Not to mention the fact that I showed him evidence that they're completely different and he dismissed it. He eventually saw how retarded he was and he went quiet