|
Author |
Message |
Screw Loose |
This post is not being displayed .
|
Screw Loose Scooby Slapper
Joined: 09 Feb 2012 Karma :
|
Posted: 05:02 - 11 Mar 2018 Post subject: Depression and all that lot |
|
|
Warning: Very long post. TL/DR I'm slipping back into depression again, advice?
Hi again folks, I did briefly consider making a secondary account to post this, I hardly post as it is anyway (I've been hibernating) but I dont think mental health should be hidden, so I'm practicing what I preach.
Apologies for any misspellings in advance.
This time last year I was sent away on secondment with work, to the London area, long story short ended getting with a lass whilst on secondment, and it was all the picture perfect relationship etc. 2 months in we find out that shes pregnant despite being on the implant. Unfortunately approximately 11 weeks into the pregnancy we lose the baby, after lots of umming and aaahhing at how we would of made everything work logistically, and the decision boiling down to her moving up to the North with me. That was the 11th of July, a date firmly implanted in my head. It was 6 days after my car had set on fire (and I still question if the fumes could of had an involvement in the miscarriage). The date was more firmly implanted because on the 13th of July i returned back to the north on my own (Having booked the hotel to stay for that night) because she was due to come up to the north the following day anyway.
That night I got a phonecall at about 2200 saying she was feeling very low, and that she couldnt go on like this. She went missing for 5 hours. The police found her after she had hung herself. The ligature had thankfully slipped, so whilst she was unconcious, she was still alive. Barely. I knew that she had gone to try and attempt suicide, I knew it in my gut. But I was totally helpless to do anything. She broke up with me the following morning for calling the police and them having found her.
Two days later we ran away to the lakes for a few days, we needed to get away, more to the point, she came up to say goodbye. Push came to shove and we didnt end up splitting up. Infact she didnt go back down south for over a month, despite her original plan being to come up for two days, just so we could end things civilly.
We stayed together and everything was rosy. For then. After she went back home, things were never the same, and we were splitting up and getting back together quite frequently.
I wasnt going to share my employment, but fuck it. I'm a prison officer, and my stresses at home followed me into work. It was only a matter of time until something broke, and it happened at work. A restraint at work went a little bit pear shaped and I found myself suspended, and the relationship had broken down entirely. I sat in my car on my own, a couple miles from the nick, and I thought theres no point anymore. My relationship was gone, indefinitely, my career was gone, and I had nothing to go on for. I made a ligature with my seatbelt and then I go blank as to what happened.
Unfortunately, clearly, it didnt work as planned. My phone rang, and it was the ex. She had gotten wind that I had been suspended and told me to go home, pack my stuff, and drive the 300 miles to her house and get away. And thats exactly what I did. Upon us seeing each other everything went back to the way it was, and life was perfect again. For a week. Until i returned home, where everything went very tits up again, and I didnt hear from her in weeks.
I ultimately made the final decision to end the relationship. That was in October. And every day I still regret it and wish I could of made it work.
I've tried a couple relationships since, but nothing matches up. Every now and again she texts or calls to see how I am, usually totally out of the blue. Yesterday she rang to tell me she was getting her hair cut and dyed, and to see how I was doing. Its clear shes moving on, and I'm still not.
I went through a period of nearly 2 months where I couldnt leave the house, I was severely depressed, fighting the urge to end it all daily. But I survived that. My first day back to work, on my journey home, I came across an accident. I was the first on scene, and it was horriffic. Having to walk away from a 17 year old lass with a broken neck, and a 22 year old bloke with two open leg fractures, to try and find the biker involved in it all was hard. But not quite as hard as finding the biker dead, being 100% unable to do anything. I still live with the guilt today, even though there was absolutely nothing a team of world class surgeons could of done. Let alone me.
This is no doubt all over the place, however now work are digging me out again, seeking to bring up old investigations. I never done anything I shouldnt of, I never had any cases to answer. But work have made it perfectly clear that they dont want me there, through refusing my transfer requests despite accepting others from newer staff, financially withholding money from me, amongst dozens of other examples that I dont have the energy to write.
Basically, I'm struggling. A lot. I can feel myself slipping back into that pit again, and I'm terrified of ending up in the same depressed state, unable to escape the evil pit of darkness that absolutely consumes you, and causes you to block out everything and everyone.
I dont quite know why I'm writing this, I'm not seeking sympathy, but a bit of support. I know there is probably a light at the end of the tunnel, but just now I cant see it. For what its worth ive done the counselling and doctors route. The meds help, ish, the counselling not so much. ____________________
MBK Nitro 50cc -> CBF 125 <\s>
CBT: February 2012 - Full licence August 2013 |
|
Back to top |
|
You must be logged in to rate posts |
|
|
andyscooter |
This post is not being displayed .
|
andyscooter World Chat Champion
Joined: 30 May 2009 Karma :
|
|
Back to top |
|
You must be logged in to rate posts |
|
|
P. |
This post is not being displayed .
|
P. Red Rocket
Joined: 14 Feb 2008 Karma :
|
|
Back to top |
|
You must be logged in to rate posts |
|
|
Tracey Suntan-King |
This post is not being displayed .
|
Tracey Suntan-King World Chat Champion
Joined: 10 Nov 2012 Karma :
|
|
Back to top |
|
You must be logged in to rate posts |
|
|
pepperami |
This post is not being displayed .
|
pepperami Super Spammer
Joined: 17 Jan 2010 Karma :
|
|
Back to top |
|
You must be logged in to rate posts |
|
|
stevo as b4 |
This post is not being displayed .
|
stevo as b4 World Chat Champion
Joined: 17 Jul 2003 Karma :
|
|
Back to top |
|
You must be logged in to rate posts |
|
|
stinkwheel |
This post is not being displayed .
|
stinkwheel Bovine Proctologist
Joined: 12 Jul 2004 Karma :
|
Posted: 12:10 - 11 Mar 2018 Post subject: |
|
|
Have you been to see your doctor?
Go to see your doctor.
If you had a broken leg you would. So go see them about your broken head.
Work situation sounds crap. Sounds like they are shaping up to fuck you over but you can always do a little fucking over first. You know they can't sack you if you're signed off due to stress right? They are even limited in how much they can contact you if you're off sick. Bum them to the max for sick pay and use the time positively to get yourself sorted out and look for another job. ____________________ “Rule one: Always stick around for one more drink. That's when things happen. That's when you find out everything you want to know.”
I did the 2010 Round Britain Rally on my 350 Bullet. 89 landmarks, 3 months, 9,500 miles. |
|
Back to top |
|
You must be logged in to rate posts |
|
|
hellkat |
This post is not being displayed .
|
hellkat Super Spammer
Joined: 12 Jul 2004 Karma :
|
Posted: 12:26 - 11 Mar 2018 Post subject: Re: Depression and all that lot |
|
|
I started a response and now I've written a whole fuckin novella.
Can I get back to you on that.
I need to go back and edit the Wall-O-Text that I just created, else I'll end up with a custom title like "Female Version of Teffers"
____________________ Not nearly as interesting in real life. |
|
Back to top |
|
You must be logged in to rate posts |
|
|
hellkat |
This post is not being displayed .
|
hellkat Super Spammer
Joined: 12 Jul 2004 Karma :
|
|
Back to top |
|
You must be logged in to rate posts |
|
|
kawashima |
This post is not being displayed .
|
kawashima World Chat Champion
Joined: 03 May 2005 Karma :
|
Posted: 13:48 - 11 Mar 2018 Post subject: |
|
|
Situation you've written includes lots of heavy stresses that can make ”normal” people depressed.
-death (and death related accident) of your family
-being transferred/secondment with work
-trouble at your work (various)
-splitting with your wife
-surprising terrifying accident(car caught fire) and it might be done by her(but can't prove it)
If these happened and he/she was ok with everything, he/she is rather not normal.
Before I open this thread I was thinking of anxiety depression(like me).
Any "normal" people can be not normal(depressed) in such situation.
Talking to somebody or writing down is useful for more "lighter" stresses.
I agree to go to see doctor (pro).
You've thought of killing yourself once. That's one enough reason you should visit doctor. ____________________ 2020 Touring Serow 250
,past 2012 YB125SP, 2008 TDM900 2005 W650, [url=d], 2002 LS125R, 2002 CB400SF, NS50F, C50 / Trip to UK(2009), Hokkaido touring(2013) |
|
Back to top |
|
You must be logged in to rate posts |
|
|
Rogerborg |
This post is not being displayed .
|
Rogerborg nimbA
Joined: 26 Oct 2010 Karma :
|
Posted: 14:21 - 11 Mar 2018 Post subject: |
|
|
Sick note while finding a job elsewhere.
Block the ex.
Take up an outdoor hobby. ____________________ Biking is 1/20th as dangerous as horse riding.
GONE: HN125-8, LF-250B, GPz 305, GPZ 500S, Burgman 400 // RIDING: F650GS (800 twin), Royal Enfield Bullet Electra 500 AVL, Ninja 250R because racebike |
|
Back to top |
|
You must be logged in to rate posts |
|
|
hellkat |
This post is not being displayed .
|
hellkat Super Spammer
Joined: 12 Jul 2004 Karma :
|
Posted: 14:26 - 11 Mar 2018 Post subject: |
|
|
|
|
Back to top |
|
You must be logged in to rate posts |
|
|
kawashima |
This post is not being displayed .
|
kawashima World Chat Champion
Joined: 03 May 2005 Karma :
|
|
Back to top |
|
You must be logged in to rate posts |
|
|
hellkat |
This post is not being displayed .
|
hellkat Super Spammer
Joined: 12 Jul 2004 Karma :
|
Posted: 14:42 - 11 Mar 2018 Post subject: |
|
|
Thank goodness!
I thought I was watching Eastenders for a minute there
To be fair, his syntax wasn't great! ____________________ Not nearly as interesting in real life. |
|
Back to top |
|
You must be logged in to rate posts |
|
|
M.C |
This post is not being displayed .
|
M.C Super Spammer
Joined: 29 Sep 2015 Karma :
|
|
Back to top |
|
You must be logged in to rate posts |
|
|
Pigeon |
This post is not being displayed .
|
Pigeon World Chat Champion
Joined: 27 Sep 2012 Karma :
|
Posted: 19:50 - 11 Mar 2018 Post subject: |
|
|
I would strongly recommend trying L-Tryptophan BEFORE going on an SSRI
SSRI's work, but can take 4-8 weeks to build up to a treatment level. They can also come with a bag of side effects which then end up adding to your shit because it impacts all aspects of your life.
Don't be too put off by what I said. If you're about to hit the buffers and recognise, then you're right to do something. And for millions that is SSRI's or other AD's.
Make an appointment with a doctor to either talk about SSRI's, but also talking therapys (its important that you take advantage of increased Serotonin due to medication or diet to then talk openly with professionals).
Tryptophan will raise your serotonin levels in a matter of a couple of hours. I would start by emptying a 500mg capsule in half, going 250mg.
You'll find it buys you about 6 hours of peace / calm / balance.
Serotonin compresses feelings. It's one of the brakes. It raises your low, but also lowers your high (not really an issue here).
Too much Serotonin can lead to confusion and a zombie numb state (which itself can then lead to depression as everything in life can seem pointless and joyless).
Tryptophan is an amino acid and taken in the morning will produce Serotonin, in the evening Melatonin (promotes good sleep).
Splittinmg your dose evenly over morning, noon, night of 250mg a time is a good start. Up it to 500mg per dose if nothing is noticed.
But you don't want to create "push" as it can have a stimulating effect. So start small.
Having spent 5 months on SSRI's and then tried Tryptophan. I'd go Tryptophan all day every day. Works in 1-2 hours, does not fuck up the rest of your body (80% of Serotonin receptors are in your gut) and does not have the tapering issue.
Don't take Tryptophan when on an SSRI as it can lead to Serotonin syndrome which can result in death.
Example product
Try and reduce processed sugar intake and caffeine. Things which fire up the mind and get you over thinking.
Thinking becomes a big problem and your worst enemy. You need to try and remain in the now, ie focused on a task (such as reading, or cleaning something). Because if you focus on the past, or the future, the more you do it the more the brain races and things get out of hand as you try to escape.
Keep talking. Even when its the last thing you want to do.
Cut yourself some slack too, acceptance is big part of moving on. Along with not being judgemental of yourself, the situation or others.
There is hope, things WILL get better!!
EDIT:
Clearly I'm not a medical professional, so please read as such.
Everyone is different, so it can take time to find what works.
EDIT2:
"The meds help, ish, the counselling not so much."
How did I miss that. Muppet.
In which case, DONT TAKE TRYPTOPHAN if you are on meds already.
Last edited by Pigeon on 23:26 - 11 Mar 2018; edited 2 times in total |
|
Back to top |
|
You must be logged in to rate posts |
|
|
Ste |
This post is not being displayed .
|
Ste Not Work Safe
Joined: 01 Sep 2002 Karma :
|
|
Back to top |
|
You must be logged in to rate posts |
|
|
Pigeon |
This post is not being displayed .
|
Pigeon World Chat Champion
Joined: 27 Sep 2012 Karma :
|
Posted: 20:24 - 11 Mar 2018 Post subject: |
|
|
Ste wrote: |
Different ones work for different people. It can take a couple of months for the full benefits and for any side effects to subside.
Which means it's a case of trial and error.
Plus each one is used for many different things, one persons side effect is another persons desired effect. |
All fair points. Everyone is different and that makes it difficult.
In my case the side effects included:
Headache, blurred vision, dry eyes, twitchy limbs, tight chest, clenched jaw, sensitive to light, cracking joints due to muscle tension, yawning a lot, indigestion a lot, pins and needles. Reduced brain power (feeling stupid / slow), zero short term memory, struggle to hold onto conversations that last more than 10 seconds.
It was like that for the first 4 weeks which made work a waste of time and thankfully I had employers who made allowances for my terrible output. Then after that the side effects subsided until I was left with anhedonia, a brain that did nothing and no short term memory. Those continued on for 3 months at which point I said enough and spent a month tapering off.
5 month process, which could have been shortened to 3 months probably. But I wanted to be sure I wasn't missing something.
The trial and error part is what got me. It's fair to say the first flavour put me off trying anything else. |
|
Back to top |
|
You must be logged in to rate posts |
|
|
Pigeon |
This post is not being displayed .
|
Pigeon World Chat Champion
Joined: 27 Sep 2012 Karma :
|
|
Back to top |
|
You must be logged in to rate posts |
|
|
Freddyfruitba... |
This post is not being displayed .
|
Freddyfruitba... World Chat Champion
Joined: 20 May 2016 Karma :
|
|
Back to top |
|
You must be logged in to rate posts |
|
|
hellkat |
This post is not being displayed .
|
hellkat Super Spammer
Joined: 12 Jul 2004 Karma :
|
Posted: 21:32 - 11 Mar 2018 Post subject: |
|
|
Pigeon wrote: | Ste wrote: |
Different ones work for different people. It can take a couple of months for the full benefits and for any side effects to subside.
|
The trial and error part is what got me. |
Me too, which is why I keep being non-compliant with the prescriptions my GP writes. I Just can't afford the risk of relinquishing control of my life for that long, or to what effect, I can't bring myself to risk losing a job or wrecking a relationship.
I was recommended to get some L-tryptopan (which I call 5-HTP, that's what it says on the Holland and Barrett label) as a rescue remedy from the possible comedown after taking my first E, and the bottle was so ridiculously expensive that I decided to test its merit as a serotonin-enhancer. I think it works, sort-of. Not a massively big change, not the sort of instant euphoric change in mood that you get from smoking a joint, but certainly an improvement in the ability to perform grown-up tasks like paying bills, having a shower, wearing clean clothes and washing the dishes, and there are some days/weeks during which all of the above are beyond my capabilities. ____________________ Not nearly as interesting in real life. |
|
Back to top |
|
You must be logged in to rate posts |
|
|
Pigeon |
This post is not being displayed .
|
Pigeon World Chat Champion
Joined: 27 Sep 2012 Karma :
|
|
Back to top |
|
You must be logged in to rate posts |
|
|
Screw Loose |
This post is not being displayed .
|
Screw Loose Scooby Slapper
Joined: 09 Feb 2012 Karma :
|
Posted: 02:36 - 12 Mar 2018 Post subject: |
|
|
Thanks everyone your support means an awful lot.
I've been to and from the doctors more times than I could possibly count over the last 5 months or so. They eventually settled on a 150mg dose of Sertraline which did work wonders however I'm starting to notice my general mood dropping again, perhaps I'm getting used to the drug and thats a contributing factor?
I did also start a mood diary (the ex actually came up with that idea after I'd been suspended) which helped(ish) for a short time, it got me through the stages where I didnt leave bed and didnt get dressed. Thankfully I'm not back at that stage yet but I can definitely feel it starting to head that way, hence the reasoning behind wanting to stop myself before it gets that far.
Doctors are quite good at upping my doses, telling me not to drink too much, and telling me not to top myself, but aside from that they dont really do a great deal. They dont even send you for counselling anymore, they just give me the phone numbers for charities such as MIND and tell me there is an exceptionally long waiting list... Which doesnt help anything in the short term.
Really appreciate your offer there too Paddy, admittedly I'm not too great over the phone with expressing my emotions, for some reason I find it a lot easier to write than I do to talk. I used to write letters at one point, to different people, sometimes to nobody, obviously never sending them but it got it off of my chest nonetheless. If you could PM me your email address or find me on facebook that would be appreciated for someone to message when I'm feeling shit if you dont mind doing that.
The ex suffered with depression (I reckon bipolar too) which clearly wasnt healthy for the both of us. She definitely brought out the best in me, but I also firmly believe she brought the depression out of me unintentionally. She was the first person I had ever came across who I felt I could open up to, and tell everything, from the tiny details to the huge events which I had trapped inside myself and ignored. Theres a big history of depression in my family, and with attempted suicides, and I didnt want to 'bother' people with my problems aswell.
In hindsight that probably resulted in a lot of the issues.
The job I do is, supposedly, one of the most stressful jobs you can do. I find that the prisoners themselves hardly ever stress me out, sure they frustrate me at times, but its the politics and management at work which causes the huge stresses for me. Management are constantly looking for ways to 'out' me in one way or another.
Im grateful for the fact that, for now, I'm still able to sleep. When I hit my lowest I stop eating, socialising, and sleeping. And its when I'm alone at 0300 in the morning that the thoughts become the most dangerous. And I know the thoughts are unreasonable and shouldnt be there, but its a weird feeling as I'm sure many know, but nothing can stop it.
I can deal with the stressful work life, and I can deal with the stressful home life, individually. When they both come at once thats when I cant manage, because there is no escape from the stresses and reminders. I cant even draw keys for the nick on a morning without thinking of the ex (She hung herself with one of the prison service keychains). Everywhere I look I'm reminded of the ex. Even the car I bought with her!
That, and now is about the time the little one would of been here, I'm sure it worked out february/march time. Not that its much use thinking of that, but it does make me sick to my stomach. Despite the fact that it was only a tiny featus at 11 weeks old (ish) it still affects me, just wondering what might of been.
Thanks again everyone, just to avoid any concern whilst the thoughts do crop up every now and again, ive no intent of self harm or suicide at this stage, I just know its coming, and want to stop it before it gets that far.
BCF really are a cracking bunch ____________________
MBK Nitro 50cc -> CBF 125 <\s>
CBT: February 2012 - Full licence August 2013 |
|
Back to top |
|
You must be logged in to rate posts |
|
|
Ste |
This post is not being displayed .
|
Ste Not Work Safe
Joined: 01 Sep 2002 Karma :
|
Posted: 03:41 - 12 Mar 2018 Post subject: |
|
|
The thing to do now is to go and see your GP again as the more you're telling them about how you're getting on with the tablets, the easier it will be for them to offer constructive help.
They do increase the dose gradually so they can see if you get smacked over the head by side effects or not. |
|
Back to top |
|
You must be logged in to rate posts |
|
|
Freddyfruitba... |
This post is not being displayed .
|
Freddyfruitba... World Chat Champion
Joined: 20 May 2016 Karma :
|
|
Back to top |
|
You must be logged in to rate posts |
|
|
Old Thread Alert!
The last post was made 6 years, 86 days ago. Instead of replying here, would creating a new thread be more useful? |
|
|
|