Letters to the editor

[Black Knight]

Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes this
summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports
personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation with
a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never shutting up
about it makes me proud to be British.
Ben Hunt

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart
disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long
and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their
minds up.
John

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colin Hill

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a
mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around 2
million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the
delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme.
She was sent by DHL next day delivery.
L Palmer, London

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates
goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal
record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the
law, so will I.
P Boddington, Ringway

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like
to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's m!nge. He
hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
P, Leeds

On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach the
final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a correct
answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy Clarkson
with?' to which I confidently replied '<unt'. Not only was I told the answer
was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to leave the premises
immediately! Has anyone else experienced such appalling treatment whilst
holidaying with one's family?
Noel, Leeds

My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board
cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to
make than this?
Alun Daniel

I'll never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping
his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own
drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both.
Alan Thakray

Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of Brian
wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia
have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never
been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road Alan J., London

Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland
ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with
young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars.
T Barnham, London

Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns
and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric Abu Hamsa.
Les, Barnsley

How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million
selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football
match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich
and another for the poor.
Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain,
a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it
a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods?
John Campbell, e-mail

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about
Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies
for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
Mike Woods, e-mail

With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try
to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis
in the hunting team? They found the tw*t quickly enough the last time he
played hide and seek with them.
Shuggie, e-mail

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the
exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope
that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of
humour.
Chris Scaife, Jesmond

I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly
took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this
taking gloating just a little too far?
Dave Owen, Edinburgh

I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death.
But I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous
Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his final
breaths.
Tripod

I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is
Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.
Stan

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the
world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
Thomas J
____________________
Where does a turn end? 'Where you can do anything with the gas you want to, where you are brave again, where your attention is free from the turn, where you are sure you can do it better next time; that's the end' - Keith Code.

[White Noise]

[cqueen]

How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million
selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football
match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich
and another for the poor.
Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

[veeeffarr]

[Visitor Q]

Funniest thread ever

'The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates
goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal
record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the
law, so will I.
P Boddington, Ringway

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain,
a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it
a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods?
John Campbell, e-mail '
____________________
China traffic/travel bike vid - When I make a sweeping statement, please add the word 'statistically' in to the sentence before you bitch...
From September 2014 to January/February 2015 I will not be using any English, nor reading any. As such, I won't be on here. PM at will, but I won't be checking/posting unless in emergencies. Certainly not for the first couple of months. Please berate me savagely if I break that rule...