Am I being petty?

[Mary Jane]

So, today is Mother's Day here in the states.

I've got two little boys who I love to peices, and share custody with my ex. Last year for father's day I took my kids to the store, gave them some money and let them pick out something for their Dad. They chose something that was more than I had, but used the very last of what money I had to buy it for their Dad so that my kids could give them what they wanted to give him.

He married again last Fall, and I went out of my way at Christmas letting my kids buy some fairly expensive presents for their Dad AND their Step-mom. They took my kids to the "Dollar Store" (where everything is $1) and got me a cheap necklace for Christmas. Didn't matter that much to me: the look on my kid's faces when I told them I loved it, and when I wore the little plastic glittery purple heart necklace they got me was enough for me.

All this week, my son Jonny (who is 4) has been begging me to let him give me my present, which made me think that his Dad had gone out and gotten a M-day present for me, which would have been sweet. He tod me what it was, even: a necklace and a ring and a card. Today, I asked my ex about it, saying Jonny had been wanting me to open my present. He said there wasn't a present and he didn't know what Jonny was talking about.

He took my kids to the store and got a Mothers day present for their Step-mother. But not for their real mother. This in istelf wouldn't bug me so much, except that I've felt my toes stepped on one time too many by her.

She cut their hair without asking me, she signed them up for sports during the time they were supposed be at my house, cutting out the time I could actually spend with them to: 30 minutes in the morning before work, and one hour after the games/before bed. She insists they call her "mom", and criticises my parenting, actully having the gall to ask "is that whats REALLY best for the kids?" when I decided we should go on a picnic instead of going to church. I've asked my ex repeatedly to discuss any issues he has about the kids with me, instead of having HER do it, but she still buts in where it's entirely NOT HER PLACE to.

I'm feeling hurt and kind of pissed off that he didn't even bother to have the kids make a CARD or anything for me, but he sent them out to buy their STEP MOM... someone who has only even been in their lives for maybe 6 months a Mother's Day present.

I'm thinking that come Father's Day, she can have the kids get their Dad something, and fuck the both of them.

[biker-dj]

In a word - NO - I don't think you are being petty, bit of a liberty the Stepmum insisting your children call her Mum (sorry English spelling ) I would ask your kids if ther were comfortable with calling her Mum, if you think they are at an age to discuss this matter with them. As for the present issue again - No I don't think you are being petty. I would go into more detail but I am so tired, was DJing last night and the tiredness is starting to takes its toll. Hope you manage to sort out your problems and hello by the way, I haven't "seen" you on the forum before. Good luck
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Ride with the music!

[Rob W]

I'll sum her up in one word, she's a cunt.

Punch her very hard in the face, repeatedly, I'm sure that will alleviate some stress.

My missus and I are expecting our first child in december, and if we ever split up and her new geezer ever said anything like what she has, he'd be eating through a straw for a few months.

HTH.
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TS50 > Senda 125 > ZXR400 > CB-1 > GSX-R1000 > Bandit 600 > ZXR750 H1 > GSX-R750 SRAD > '98 RR-W Fireblade > T595 Daytona > Hornet 900 > '04 Fireblade > GSX-S1000F (x2) > '23 XSR900

[WavyGravy]

Kids have super antennas when it comes to picking up bad vibes, I wouldnt say or do anything nasty about ex and step mum infront of them, they'll pick up on things themselves and vote with their feet as and when they see through the false 'love' .

Kids will break your heart at the best of times, when my daughter called her step dad 'dad' for the first time it was all i could do to maintain my composure, however he's a nice enough bloke and this was all 10 years ago, he actually did a great job both as hubby to my ex and step dad to my daughter, but it wasnt easy at the beginning, we just kept our private missgivings and disagreements between the adults. Biting your tongue sometimes is the only way to put the children first, though of course you should express your concerns to ex - but only in terms of how it effects the children, not how it effects you, cos ex really wont care too much. If they decide to get you something from the dollar store theres nothing you can do about it, yes its hurtful, just adjust the rules from your side to match!

And one more thing, if things do get heated between the three of you, just laugh out loud and when asked why say to ex infront of his new wife "I only have to close my eyes to see you naked and everytime I do it i have to laugh"

It works on so many levels
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1975 CB125s, 1991 GN250, 1990 Ducati Paso 906
"Don't wake him up - He's got insomnia - He's trying to sleep it off"

[colin1]

I dont think you should expect your ex, to get your kids to get you motheres day presents.
If you want to have them get him fathers day presents thats your business.

Id agree that your ex's new wife is out of order, but she may not even realise it so if you make an issue of it, there might be problems.

Id forget about the presents thing, but explain to your ex how certain things about raising the kids are important to you.

Your ex's wife may believe that kitds should be in church not going to a picnic, but I think she is rude to mention it. I also think she is wrong and its not really her business. I think your kids should call her by her first name as you are their mom.

If it was your ex who was signing them up to sports and wanting them to go to church, it wd be more of a problem. You just need to get him to tell his wife to butt out in the nicest possible way.
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colin1 is officially faster than god

[hellkat]

Get over the Mothers' Day thing, love. I'd not bother buying him expensive presents from them.

If they want to give him big presents, then you may feel compelled to, but try and talk them into smaller lesser presents or (even better) just a card ... why should you keep spending your hard earned cash on someone who no longer exerts a positive influence on your life. You're only buying into the "I'm better than he is/my presents are more expensive/cheaper/snazzier/more often" scenario which, in effect, is merely petty behaviour of the first water.

Ex's are cunts. Its built into their nature. No matter what sex you are, you always have issues with the wankery way they behave once they are no longer living with you.

And their other halves are always interfering busybodies, no matter which of you the children live with. Once she's cut the kids hair there's bugger all you can do about it. What are you gonna do, stick it all back on with superglue, or maybe go round there and cut HER or her kids' hair in revenge? Bit pointless sweating over the stuff you can't change.

Concentrate instead, when your kids are with you, on ensuring you instil YOUR sense of good values into them, the things which matter to YOU that they learn right ... and don't lose sleep over the petty stuff.

And NEVER let them see you spouting off about the ex, or his other half.
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Not nearly as interesting in real life.

[hellkat]

Re: the sports thing.

Simply request to change the day you see them, citing the fact that your time has been cut into by the new sports regime, and so that you get your full "quota" of time.

God.
Grip, get.
Stop being a victim.
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Not nearly as interesting in real life.

[Mary Jane]

Thanks, Hellcat: I needed that. (note to self - stop being victim, and get grip)

The sports are over for now, but it's pretty impossible for me to request alternate days off. My ex used to be incredibly flexible, but now that he's got someone to make his decisions for him and look after the kids while he's playing video games, its "no, those are the days you agreed to." and that's it.

Anyway, I'm very careful about what gets said in front of the kids. I know from experience that badmouthing the other parent only erodes the child's respect for the parent with the poor opinion (eg: my Dad and Mom). The kid's step-mom is very sweet most of the time, and I'm really glad they've got someone who genuinely cares for them and loves them, and that they love back.

I just feel so upstaged some of the time... like when she's all responsible and I'm left as the flighty, irresponsible little idiot that can't ever make it to a t-ball game on time, but she's there with camp chairs to sit on the sidelines with and a camera to take pictures with. God... she's such a ... soccer-mom. And I was never any good at that.

I used to go to little informal playgroups with my kids and sit there wishing I could use a hot poker to just stick up my nose and swish my brains around with becuase the women I was stuck making inane conversations with were so damned boring, and the only thing we had in common was that our kids were relatively close in age. And now for some reason, I'm finding myself trying to compete with that... when that's entirely the kind of mom I don't want to be...

[hellkat]

Then don't be.

I'm glad you didn't take offence at my ragging about getting a grip, cos I have a tendency to "talk straight" sometimes which might seem offensive, but is well meant.

The best thing that I ever did for my daughter (apart from always letting her know how much I loved her, and always being accessible for all the difficult teenage moments) was to be myself, i.e., a mother who rides a motorbike.

I had a proper office job at the time, and used to dress all proper office-y clothes and such like, and occasionally turned up at school things (parents night, etc) dressed "sociably".

But regardless of the grief her father gave me for hanging out with "dirty greasy bikers" ... nothing gave my daughter more pride than turning up for a drama outing at her high school on the back of my bike (very useful at the time, as she was being severely bullied by other girls because she was so pretty). Even her drama teacher remarked on the general coolness of our demeanour - the discovery that she had a mother who wears a beaten up old black leather jacket, sneakers, and who rides a motorbike gave her a lot of cred that had been taken away from her by the jealous girls.

Not a lot of room on the back of a bike for camp chairs and a thermos flask full of orange segments, but hell ... enough room for my arse and hers, and that was all that mattered to us.

Result: Instant cool amongst her peers (... even the chavvish ones ...)

I didn't turn up there specifically to hassle the girls who were bullying her, it was merely a matter of transport and economics (plus she was wagging school, so it was the only way I could be sure she would really go to school!)

I'm not encouraging you to start turning up at soccer on your bike or, for that matter, on the back of your partner's bike or however else you are involved in the bike scene ... Just be the mum your kids need you to be: supportive, occasionally sensible, and maybe just a little bit lovably crazy.
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Not nearly as interesting in real life.

[hellkat]

P.S. The playgroup mothers used to snub me, cos I had a proper job and didn't often go to the playgroup (or sent my childminder instead).

I used to call them "the mothers' mafia".

Bunch of stuck up snotbags, got nothing better to do than sit around all day comparing whose child started picking their nose first.

When I did go, I discovered that its more fun down on the floor making lego things with the kids.

Plus, you can get into the orange juice and cookies action much easier when you're playing with the kids instead of crooking your little finger over teacups with all the "properly behaved" mothers
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Not nearly as interesting in real life.

[Jamie.]

Ill say comming from a broken home at the age of 11. Whatever you do just dont try to explain to the kids that their step mother is "nasty" or anything like that. It really fucked my head up when I was younger as I didnt want to believe what my mum was telling me, alough in the end when I grew up a bit I realised that my fathers new woman WAS all the things my mum said and then I made my mind up about her myself. Took untill I was 15 mind

[shellshock]

Feel for you Mary Jane, having been a step-mom in the past and now a mother of two, I can assure you that being a step-mom was the hardest of the two. Unless she is given boundaries by your ex, she won't know how much authority and say-so she has over your children, its up to you to have words with him.

Getting him Christmas presents and fathers day presents should be her job, and I imagine that she feels the same way you did over the 'hair cutting incident', which incidently I was guilty of, but only because I could afford to take the children to a proper hairdresser and they did not look butchered after her home efforts.

In our set up now, my ex and his new partner take care of all birthdays, fathers day, etc and the same with me and my partner.

Thankfully the only incident I've had to deal with was when they took the children camping and my daughter had to take a shower with her step mom to be, they were both fully nekkid, I was not happy, so spoke to my ex, who it turns out wasn't happy about it either, and promised it wouldn't happen again. Made me giggle though when I was informed that she had a much bigger bum than me not that I asked !

At the end of the day no-one can take away that mother and child bond, no matter how hard she tries, so just relax and chill, if she is a nightmare they will realise one day and you'll become even more loved.

[Kwaks]

I would take comfort in knowing you have the moral highground regarding the presents. At the end of the day you are paying for the presents to make the kids feel good, not their father.
Kids do remember these things as they get older and i'm sure the efforts you go to now will be rewarded 10 fold in the future.

With the new step mum it does sound like she is just trying very hard to please her new husband, by trying to be the super wife/stepmum whilst he sits on his arse letting life pass him by. Give it a few months and as the honeymoon period wears off you may actually find something in common with her which will make it easier to get on (like the feelings for a couch potato playing video games when he should be playing with his kids).

Best of luck MJ and just be yourself, the kids already love you for who you are, so why change
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Fallen Angel "Nae sniffing my seat now!!!!! "
www.cliqueycuntsmcc.co.uk
I AM NOT A FAST RIDER!!!!!!!!!

[yambabe]

Grit your teeth. Grind them if you have to. Take solace in the fact that you are "mom". When your son bought a present for "mom" it was you he wanted to give it to. Kids aren't stupid, and however much this lady may want a place in their lives and their hearts, whatever your ex wants them to call her (I don't think she should be "mom" btw and I think that's an issue you need to address with him/them) there is only one Mom and that's you.

I'm assuming stepmom has no kids of her own, and none with your ex yet? I think you need to reserve your fighting strength for when this happens because I can see storms ahead........
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Sod falling in love, I wanna fall in chocolate.

[zaknafien]

If I ever split up with my other half and got a new girl and she started/I allowed my kid's to call her mum i'd fully expect my other half to come round with a baseball bat and kneecap us both.
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02 Firestorm.

[fast_tzr]

Do this to the bitch, should work a treat https://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=6640225987281635407&q=lady+punch

[Gazdaman]

I don't like the phrase, but I feel it's appropriate in this situation:

Punch her tits.

I didn't read any of the replies granted, but my reaction to your first post was that she's a stupid bitch and you should headbutt her.

They're your children, if my stepmum tried something like that with my sister and I, my mum would probably burn her house down.
This is past tense btw, I no-longer have a step mum, and my mum probably no longer gives a shit what I'm doing.

Did you and your ex split on bad terms?

Gaz

[colin1]

[Gazdaman]

Would have is still past tense numbnuts.

And no, I meant what I said, I only added that second part because it makes me sound like I'm still about 12 and my parents control my life. When I don't even live at home any more.

Gaz

[colin1]

yeah the hads and haves i added make it clearer that it was in the past

its a different form of the past tense cant remember the technical naem for it
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colin1 is officially faster than god

[Gazdaman]

The day you give me an english lesson is the day I overtake a '98 R1.

Gaz

[colin1]

wdnt be hard if i was riding it.
and i did just give you an english lesson
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colin1 is officially faster than god

[Gazdaman]

If you want to give an english lesson, when you're referring to yourself, it's a capital i.

Sentences also start with a capital letter and end with a full stop.

I believe that's primary school stuff.

Gaz

[JonB]

Every word of Colin's is spelt wrong anyway.
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Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it?s worth.

[colin1]