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The BCF Top Ten 2009

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Steve H
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PostPosted: 12:21 - 26 Jun 2009    Post subject: The BCF Top Ten 2009 Reply with quote

Too early this year? Should I have given members the opportunity to make a bid for a place during Summer and early Autumn? Fock it, If Electronic Arts can release Madden 2010 in mid 2009 then I'm nearly a year behind.

The Original

2008

10. Luke VFR

Luke Very Focked Retina to give him is full nomenclature. STILL a BCF legend and TEN entrant despite the fact that now the extent of his adrenalin fuelled antics is sticking a camera on a scaffolding pole and pushing a car for five yards while the camera happily flashes away - 'Radical Duuuuude'. A recent poll (sorry Luke) showed that that picture of his bedroom, sofa and TV Set up is the most repeated picture posted on BCF by an individual. God help us if he ever buys/rents his own crib and it’s got more than one room. Keep the BCF bandwidth down Luke, buy a bedsit and a Baby Belling.

9. mistergixer

Strictly now just a ‘mister’ although a change in moniker is imminent to ‘mistermister‘ to reflect his nervous stutter and devotion to the 80’s American soft rock scene. Apparently mistergixer would’ve preferred to use ‘mistertoto‘ but since the bestiality rumours of a few years ago he’s been advised to banish all ideas of shacking up with Dorothy’s dirty mongrel.

8. Ste

Nuttier than a pile of poo that’s emanated from a squirrel who’s been fed solely on Topic’s, Ste is OFFICIALLY BCF’s very own (professionally diagnosed) mentalist which, in view of the fact that this forum attracts more tossers per capita than most is no mean feat. Suicide!? Suicide!? Fock that son, bask in the glory of your Honey Nut Fruit Loopyness and do what (historically) you do best – Spell/Punctuation Checking, Porn links and (more recently admittedly) chasing parked cars.

7. bonny_ricardo

Why type a one word response when you can get away with six soddin’ paragraphs? Self appointed BCF intellectual and Scottish Scrabble title holder bonny is one in a long line of BCF recovery successes. Joined back in 2004 and acted like a complete tosser until he stopped précising his posts and began using the BCF synonym tool. Since then his BCF cache has gone through the roof and he’s developed RSI in his fingers, toes and nose (and gone through 28 wireless keyboards).

Expect any thread involving his favourite subject’s - Turtles, Sex and Drugs (not Turtle Sex and Drugs he’s asked me to point out although methinks the lady doth protest too much!) to contain more syllables than a stuttering welsh train station announcer on speed.

6. Jon B

'Big Jon keeps a changing before our very eyes,
One minute he’s fifteen stone, the next he’s ten point five.'


http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a231/steveqpr/BigjohnlittlejohnEdelman.jpg http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a231/steveqpr/Robbierist.jpg

Unlike Herb Edelman I doubt Jon has taken a sip from the fountain of youth as his prose is still more old bastard as opposed to Dirty ol’ Bastard. Unfortunately the commendable weight loss has no bearing on his place in the TEN, Jon’s recent foray into the wild ‘n wacky world of BCF controversy is the reason for his entry in fact it would appear at present that he’s following in colin1’s much maligned footsteps. From the admission to always ‘fuck(ing) up a post with an arrogant statement’ to having ‘a bit of a "gay" fashion sense’ this is pure BCF gold – Personally I blame Coventry. Anywhere North of Junction 11 of the M5 should be a no-go zone for innocent West Country Chaps.

5. Joe

Some might say that using your real name as a moniker shows a distinct lack of imagination. Personally I see it as a positive character trait, a patent sign of ease with one’s self, a self masturbatory doff of the cap to your person, an indication that you’ve struck a harmonious alignment with your huna energy – to put it in BCF terms, your melons aren’t twisted. Unfortunately the closest Joe gets to harmony is when he uses hairspray to keep his mullet from flapping in the wind when he hangs his head out of the window during long car journeys. Four fockin’ gold blobs for the retard definitively proves that the much heralded Karma isn’t worth a bag of shit.

4. Hellkat

Retaining her place in the TEN as Bike Chick Forum representative by a gnat’s cock. To be fair this year it was an extremely close run thing between HK, Bendy and dragonfly, almost too close to call. In reaching a decision the TEN took into account what all three of these lovely ladies brought to the BCF table…

Bendy with her encyclopaedic knowledge, passion for all things automotive and lovable geekiness.

dragonfly with her wide eyed innocence, empathetic posting style and compassionate nature.

Hellkat with her big baps.

Nuff said.

3. 1930 Ariel

Has anyone got more syllables in their BCF moniker than the Brummie school teacher with the asbestos gob (and comedy santa beard/glasses combo)? Rumour has it that following Ariel’s membership acceptance bonny_ricardo attempted to change his to handsomeattractiveandappealing_ricardo in an effort to trump him but Korn didn’t understand the PM when he received it as he didn’t have a thesaurus handy. When compiling the TEN this author looks at what the entrant brings to the table to merit their place, in this instance Ariel’s Midlands Masturbation Monopoly steadfastly cements his position. The game where we all have to guess who he saw, where the dirty deed was taking place and how it was being undertaken has us on tenterhooks although invariably the answer is Mucky Perv on the canal towpath with a copy of Razzle and a handful of spit.

2. Kickstart

More Gold’s than Mark Spitz (or Michael Phelps if you’re a younger viewer), the only BCFer to appear in every TEN published and a catchphrase that proves that if you utilise it sufficiently you’ll be associated with it. The TEN has roughly calculated that Keith has used ‘All the best’ in excess of 30,000 times and we can exclusively reveal that Keith’s keyboard reflects that fact…

http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a231/steveqpr/KeithsKeyboard.jpg

As you can see the ‘A’, ‘L’, ‘T’, ‘H’, ‘E’, ‘B’ and ‘S’ keys are all showing signs of frequent use however when asked about the extreme wear on the ‘P’, ‘O’, ‘R’ and ‘N’ keys Keith promptly asked us to vacate his property.

1. colin1

The first person EVER to retain top spot Col’s mix of misquotes, malapropism and mistakes make for excellent and compelling viewing. When asked by the TEN for a quote Col said…

*‘I honestly don’t know I’m doing whatever I’m allegedly doing but yeah, I’m happy with my position in the Top Ten. Funnily enough while we’re on the subject of me I got chatting to a black, one legged lesbianism(sic) in the Pub last week who mentioned that I was being inappropriate by pointing and laughing at her. I tried to explain that I was laughing at the irony of the crucifix tattoo that she was sporting on her neck and the fact that she worshipped a God that effectively made her be born a bit fliddy. When she told me that she was in a car crash two years ago I mentioned my theory on women drivers and she began to get all teary eyed so I quickly changed tack and politely pointed out that she should grow her crew cut out a bit, wear some make-up and get out a bit more to cheer herself up – that seemed to do the trick.’

* Statements used do not necessarily reflect the opinions nor indeed the words attributed to any individual(s) quoted.
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JonB
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PostPosted: 12:45 - 26 Jun 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote

As if this day could not get any better. Laughing
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Mr Hammers
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PostPosted: 12:47 - 26 Jun 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just... brilliant Clapping
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Dragonfly
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PostPosted: 12:59 - 26 Jun 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you for the mention. Laughing
Love the rest of it Laughing
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Tarmacsurfer
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PostPosted: 12:59 - 26 Jun 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote

I missed out again. Even after using my ace in the hole about the cat on the tube? Bastard.

Go research your own garage door material Crying or Very sad
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mistergixer
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PostPosted: 14:03 - 26 Jun 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote

Kiss my face!
However, i would like to point out that i escaped any conviction, although my guilt was never in doubt.
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Fnatic
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PostPosted: 14:17 - 26 Jun 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sad
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Luke_Retrofly
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PostPosted: 14:22 - 26 Jun 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote

I want to laugh I really do

Sad

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Bofh5
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PostPosted: 14:36 - 26 Jun 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote

Note to self: never ever ever ever attempt to drink a piping hot beverage while reading Steve H posts.

Now wheres my burn cream Embarassed
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Mr Nice Guy
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PostPosted: 14:40 - 26 Jun 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote

Excellent, sir Thumbs Up
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hellkat
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PostPosted: 15:05 - 26 Jun 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote

Shocked

Clearly Steve H must have been one of the lorry drivers at whom I flashed my norks on the M54 yesterday.

Thank you Steve. With or without inclusion of myself, your Top 10 list is always an entertaining and highly amusing magnification of the human ant farm that is BCF.
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Bofh5
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PostPosted: 15:14 - 26 Jun 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote

hellkat wrote:
Shocked

Clearly Steve H must have been one of the lorry drivers at whom I flashed my norks on the M54 yesterday.

Thank you Steve. With or without inclusion of myself, your Top 10 list is always an entertaining and highly amusing magnification of the human ant farm that is BCF.


"Norks" = childish titter

hey its friday

thanks HK
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pa_broon74
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PostPosted: 15:14 - 26 Jun 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote

hellkat wrote:
Shocked

Clearly Steve H must have been one of the lorry drivers at whom I flashed my norks on the M54 yesterday.



If it wasn't you, it could've been me with a hellkat mask on... Neutral

Not only have I lost my gold blobs (I think because I said cunt on here... Aww fuck, I said it again... Bastard... Rolling Eyes ) but I have also been denied a place in this top ten.

Frankly, I don't know why I bless this forum with my presence...

Wink
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Tonka
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PostPosted: 15:25 - 26 Jun 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote

hellkat wrote:
Clearly Steve H must have been one of the lorry drivers at whom I flashed my norks on the M54 yesterday.


Blimey Shocked It's no wonder you nearly got squishalised t'other day Laughing

Safer to show 'em your bootie as you race off into the distance Wink
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Paddy Blake
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PostPosted: 15:25 - 26 Jun 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote

Top stuff as always Steve. Thumbs Up

Paddy.
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hellkat
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PostPosted: 16:06 - 26 Jun 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote

pa_broon74 wrote:
Frankly, I don't know why I bless this forum with my presence...


You'd probably make my top 10
*mwah*
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hellkat
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PostPosted: 16:33 - 26 Jun 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote

Tonka wrote:
Blimey Shocked It's no wonder you nearly got squishalised t'other day Laughing


'Twas me norks that saved me from being squishalised ... bugger of a truck driver was about to impale me upon his bumper (after having let a pushie and a ped through a gap between himself and a bus - but at my shriek of "Oi!!!" he peered down straight into me cleavage and gruffly went "...go on then" Rolling Eyes

I don't care if Col thinks I'm in some fantasy world about traffic stopping cleavage, I know the responses I get when I'm sporting visible expanses of titty Wink



Quote:
Safer to show 'em your bootie as you race off into the distance
Its entirely possible that was also seen by passing motorists on the road somewhere between Shrewsbury and Aberystwith yesterday, as well Laughing

God only knows what else they may have seen, I may have been somewhat preoccupied Mr. Green
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Harold_Shand
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PostPosted: 17:04 - 26 Jun 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote

That is solid gold as always Thumbs Up

Loved Kickstarts keyboard Very Happy
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Harold_Shand's theory might be the best explanation.
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Steve H
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PostPosted: 19:22 - 26 Jun 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks very much for all of the positive comment Ladies 'n Gents Thumbs Up

PS - Pleading PM's will not get you entered into the TEN (cash/personal favours will) Wink
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colin1
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PostPosted: 20:02 - 26 Jun 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote

Damnit, I'm going to be all self conscious for about a week now, in case I say something someone might deem inappropriate.

This may be a good thing though, as I've came close to airing opinions about my boss at work in the office. Im 'getting a bit too comfortable', as one person put it, when I made a slightly inappropriate remark about them. Fortunately I've just about managed to keep them sweet and narrowly managed to avoid a potential office feud.

I probably should be more guarded in future tho, so Steve H's thread is probably a timely reminder.

Funnily enough I did once meet a one armed girl (although not one legged). I had got over the surprise, when she opened a cupboard that was full of prosthetic arms, and it was like WTF ! again.

Yes I know one armed people are people too, but you dont meet them every day, so it does feel a little odd if you arent expecting it.

I still stick with my theory about women drivers though. They will pull out into traffic, not because they havn't seen you, but because they wouldnt mind stopping to let someone out, so they assume you wouldnt mind. These days, I often commute in a huge old car rather than on motorbike, so its definitely not a case of not being seen, as you might think with the motorbike.
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Last edited by colin1 on 20:16 - 26 Jun 2009; edited 1 time in total
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colin1
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PostPosted: 20:05 - 26 Jun 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote

Steve H wrote:


PS - Pleading PM's will not get you entered into the TEN (cash/personal favours will) Wink


The problem with remarks like that, is people are going to think I have either handed over a month's salary, or done unspeakable acts, to have the dubious privilege of being number 1.
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Ariel Badger
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PostPosted: 20:11 - 26 Jun 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote

Number 3 Very Happy
Only Kieth and Colin between me and world domination. A great day for the Midlands.
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Wafer_Thin_Ham
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PostPosted: 20:17 - 26 Jun 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote

Must try harder!
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colin1
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PostPosted: 20:20 - 26 Jun 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote

1930 Ariel wrote:
Number 3 Very Happy
Only Kieth and Colin between me and world domination. A great day for the Midlands.

Yeah good point. Midlanders rule, and for the purposes of this thread, hellkat is also a midlander, as she mentioned being in Shrewsbury yesterday.
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bazza
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PostPosted: 20:22 - 26 Jun 2009    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ten people Steve H would like to shag, jointly or separately. Thumbs Up

Thank fuck I'm off the list. Thumbs Up Mr. Green Thumbs Up
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