Smiler, the Lamp, and a Pole…..

[Teflon-Mike]

Friday 28th September. I came downstairs. Made a coffee, sat down. Heard noises… tried to ignore them. Made more coffee…… noises continued, resolving eventually into “……Going to the Vic……”.
I needed more coffee……
…..Three years, and you WOULD have thought, she’d have learned that it is utterly futile to try talking to me before I have had my full caffeine quota….. I know I am walking around, I KNOW I may be typing an epic reply on the forum, BUT I’M NOT AWAKE!
Right, 4th triple strength Nescafe….. almost conscious…….“OK! So, Vic? Wot? Who, Err? When?”
“I just told you!”
“No….. you told the ZOMBIE!”
“Like I SAID!” she says, implying I’m always a zombie….. tapping her foot!
Oh dear….. she’s ‘on a mission’.
She’d been on a Mission since Tuesday, when she had announced that WE were going to the Vic…. So to be honest, I ought not have been surprised by that revelation…… but hey, I’m a bloke…. And I’d been to bed since then!
And rather perplexed, that if she wanted to go to the Vic…. Why on Thursday…. She started pulling her motorbike to bits?!!?!?

What has this got to do with Smiler, a Lamp and a Pole?

Well, I’ll get to it, I KNOW that you are dying to know…. But you’ll have to wait! Its MY story, and I’ll tell it all in my own good time!

So, Thursday, I was helping take the engine out of Snowie’s bike, and putting in one from ‘the heap’ of ready spares. Why? Well since passing her test, I had been nagging her to let me have it back! Its MINE! And it belongs to a half finished Project… so I wasn’t going to press the subject! I might be able to get another little Super-Dream out the way! Or at least turn a big pile of bits into something a bit tidier. Even more usefully, putting one of the other engines in her bike, made a bit more space and got rid of another bit of old junk…..

https://sphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/408812_493346080690314_1870491087_n.jpg
My Project Bike, slowly coming back together as I find all the bits Snowie stole or hid!
https://sphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/196528_493346124023643_67551365_n.jpg
And with its engine back in the frame! Me, moderately happy.

So, Friday 28th September. The Pup, is sat outside, with yet another engine in it, but no exhausts, no carburettors, or anything.
https://sphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/420523_493346107356978_1310540974_n.jpg
Looks OK-ish… from this side…. But other side? Not so! And no… its not a Super-Dream engine. From the ‘heap’ of accumulated spares, 6v points ignition and kick-start, from we presume, a pre-81 bike. Hence rather LESS straight forward than a straight swap, had to swap the generator & ignition for 12v Super-Dream bits, and get rid of the kick-start mechanism, and then see if it actually worked!

So, she wants to go to the Vic… on Saturday, I’m trying to wrap my head round exhausts and carburettors and stuff, and she says, “I Invited Smiler”

Well, it’s a free country….. I thought…. BIG country, too….. and whether Smiler would find the Queen Vic Biker’s pup at Coalville was a notion that intrigued me, but didn’t seem ALL that important. If we couldn’t fathom these ruddy carburettors and ignition, and get some exhausts back on the bike, chances of us meeting up with the chap, were slim to say the least. Chances of us getting to the Vic were, to be honest, looking pretty grim! We had a bike. It had an engine, but gawd knows when it last ran.

So I paid little attention to the notion, until Snowie kept darting in the house to answer her ‘phone, every five minutes, THEN said “Mike…. Where’s Whitacre Industrial Estate?”

I was, I confess, stunned. Accustomed as I am to her randomness… this one… well it stunned me, and I started at her blankly trying to work out what on earth, or whatever other planets she frequents, this was pertaining to, and why it was of such dire importance that she would have to ask me while I am trying to solder a connector onto a wire hanging out of a gearbox.

“Smiler, he’s at the Whitacre Industrial estate! Where is HE?”

I am now even more stunned….. and still thinking ‘well you just said he’s at the Whitacre Industrial estate!?’, when she darts back into the house and taping at keys, doing a google-maps search.

This happened about half a dozen time, with different landmarks being offered; usually as helpful as “Well, he says he’s by a Church!”

Now, its worth mentioning at this juncture, our Snowie’s sense of direction… well, its not great.

She Navigated around Leicestershire following bus-routes. She got lost coming to Nuneaton once, and I got a panic ‘phone call “I’m in Coventry! How do I get back!” She had spotted a No48, remembered that went to Nuneaton… so followed it…. to Coventry… which was fine, except she didn’t have a bus to follow back!

Another time? And this one takes some beating; I got a panic ‘phone call, “I’m lost, can you come find me?!” Err… yeah. Well, if YOU don’t know where you are my dear, how should I? Wouldn’t have quite been so bad, but she had a Sat Nav on her handle-bar!

So, it was rather the blind leading the blind….. and I thought best leave them to it!

Then a spoked wheel and a drum-brake hub appeared in my peripheral vision, while I was bent over messing with fuel pipe, and had JUST got this engine to ‘fire up’. On neat petrol down the inlets and without exhausts….. but showed promise….. and

Smiler had arrived!

A Day early.

There you go, the first part is answered. We only have a lamp and a pole to go!

So, with the Pups new engine looking more useful than it had, exhausts were scrubbed and carburettors found, and by the end of the evening, it was a runner, and a quick blast around the block, suggested it was fairly healthy.

Saturday 29th September. An over exited Smiler, and an even more over exited Snowie, are fretting with air-boxes and ‘stuff’. Snowie attaching things in a blurr of haste and panic, Smiler helpfully handing her the wrong tools, putting electrics back together and making the Pup look like it should again…. I need coffee…. LOTS and LOTS of coffee!

They were talking, I’m fairly sure of that, but I have NO Idea what they were saying….. But I eventually gained enough sensibility to understand that the bike needed oil. I escaped and went and got some.

Another ride round the block, bike seemed quite good. So trundle out into the country to try it at national speed limit. I came back, and on the drive, stalled.

I was in top gear. Why? I couldn’t change gear, and had had to ride round a roundabout three miles away in top, AND all the way home!

I had images of springs breaking in the gear selector mechanism, and was pondering loosing all that new oil pulling the primary drive cover off to fathom out what was up…. But no… the gear lever had slipped on the splines, probably because it was fitted backwards. It was Smilers fault….. he never touched it…. but… It was Smiler’s Fault. He was there!

So error corrected, and after more than a little procrastination, Snowie was convinced to go for her first L-Less ride, to test it.

After so many years with L’s… that “Hang on there is something missing?!” doubt giving her over thinking worry factory something to fret over!

https://sphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/46524_493346134023642_17179889_n.jpg

Looking good, so we set off for the Vic. 26 miles, door to door, through town, round ring-roads and then country lanes.

I can confirm, that Smiler’s indicators DO work in daylight. They also work in the dark.

Whether they flash or not though, is another matter. Some-times they do, sometimes they don’t. And I think there may be a little ‘Murphy’ logic controller in the flasher relay, because when you don’t need them to flash, like when Smiler says, “Here look, at them” on the drive…. They flash. When he’s approaching a junction, on the road… they don’t!

His headlamp is about as bright as he is though, but with Snowie behind, with her fancy HID head-lamp, lighting the road in front of ME, it wasn’t a problem on the unlit country roads.


https://sphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/644628_493571850667737_2030231918_n.jpg

Both tried hiding their tiddlers round the back, when we arrived, but I convinced them to bring them round to the front and park them in the beer garden. Snowie, the Rebel, riding round the car-park lidless, the dare-devil!

https://sphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/395186_493346177356971_899750794_n.jpg

For obligatory photo’s with the Vic in the back-ground, though both refused to sign the wall of fame.

https://sphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/206319_493346207356968_1103491933_n.jpg

But what about the Lamp and the Pole?!

I’m being mean, aren’t I? I know. YOU want to find out exactly what happened? What bit of street furniture Smiler became entangled with, and what his excuse for it is, DON’T YOU? Tuff… I’ve told you it’s MY story, and I’ll get round to it when I get round to it!

Anyway, there weren’t many bikes at this ‘ere bikers pub when we got there. Well, it IS the end of September. There was a Yamaha Dragstar on the patio, and lurking behind the wall was a Black GPz900R… Snowie & Smiler doubled the bikes in the lot!

Chap with the GPz seemed to be having some trouble, as we walked past, and asking him what was up, he pointed at his dash and said ‘it doesn’t start’.. then a chap with a tool-box came to help, so we left them to it and went in.

The Coffin Scratchers were hosting a Band-Night… it was quiet as the grave. Snowie and Smiler, frozen, commandeered the radiator under the window, while I got some drinks in.

“Not Much Happening” was about the sum total of the conversation. And we watched the two chaps struggling with the GPz, wondering what the problem was….
“Well, the lights on the dash all came on” Says Smiler….. “I reckon it has to be his carbs”

I looked at him patiently, and sarcastically suggested he go out and offer to help them, but he insisted on offering me his logical reasoning, which followed the notion that if the electrics were ‘on’ and dash lit up, then had to be a fuelling problem.

“Do you think they’re nicking it?” Snowie Asked?

“Well, if they are…” I said, “They are the most inept bike thieves I’ve ever encountered! We’re at the Vic. There are half a dozen outlaws knocking around. They are under surveillance cameras, AND… they have been peering at the top yoke for the last half an hour!”

“How much can there to be to look at on the top yoke?” Asked Smiler… an unusually perceptive remark… but I thought about it and pondered they might be trying to get some its of trim off to get at a relay under the instrument nacelle or something. Time for a fag… “Why don’t you go ask them?” I suggested, getting up.

Two more bikes had turned up by this point, and a van load of full-patch Outlaws had started a game of pool.

Snowie was trying, in hi-vis jacket….. to blend into the wood-work, and Smiler… well…… it was rather like trying to get a Suzuki GSX600 with a dodgy gearbox moving….. gears ground and clonked, there was obviously something going on in his head, and there were momentary lurches as he tried to go some-where…. but plotting a path to the door, ten feet away, past five pool-cue carrying back-patchers?!?!? The etiquette eluded him! Knew I shouldn’t have let him borrow my Sons of Anarchy DVD’s!

I walked to the door, shaking my head. A Relieved Smiler, followed in my wake, Snowie, as on the road, playing caboose!

The Lamp….. I told you we would get there…..

We wandered over to the GPz, where they were staring, and puzzling at its ignition switch… in the glow of a little Duracell key-ring LED torch. The kind you have to keep pressed to keep it lit. This explained much.

“Smiler? Why don’t you hold the torch for them, so that they have both hands free?”
He looked and was given the torch.

Snowie, making a connection remembered she had a wind up torch in the tail of the Pup, and asked if they might like to borrow it; an offer met with enthusiastic nods.

She returned to find Smiler holding a bright battery torch.

“Where did that come from?”

“I had it in my pocket!” Said Smiler…..

Stunned…. I am STILL stunned how frequently I AM stunned when Smiler is around. He is simply a stunning fellow!

First rule, DON’T ask questions you just KNOW you will regret when you get an answer……“Smiler…. If you had that in your pocket….. why did you stand there holding the little key-ring thing so long?” I bit it back JUST in time. I had been stunned enough for one day.

So we left him, playing lamp post and went and had a fag. He makes a good lamp-post does our Smiler.

https://sphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/262918_493346244023631_162271711_n.jpg

We left him to it. And chatted to a chap about his Drag-Star, joking that Smiler was probably offering the two GPz fellas the helpful advice to take the carburettors off, and when he looked up, complaining to them that we was probability taking the piss. He was actually!

After a while, Smiler, bored at being a lamp-post left the torch with the GPz chap, and came back to join us. Having spotted us through the window, and probably noting that the Outlaws had vacated the pool table.

Apparently GPz Bloke had been there two hours and no-one had offered him any help…… and when his desperation could get no worse…… he got Smiler’s!

Nine O’Clock….. the Band hasn’t started playing yet, and all the Outlaws seemed to have melted away…. Like my cigarettes…….

I gave Snowie one of those looks…. Guilt was written all over her face! She didn’t want to tell me she needed to stop for cigarettes! Oh well, Morrisons is just round the corner.

So I went outside and lit my last fag, and….. well Morrisons was closed by the time we got there! They shut at ten. Some-how, we lost an hour on the patio, during which time the band started up.

I believe they were called “Heartbraker”, and for a Pub band, quite good…. Well, what I heard of them!

More random bike banter on the patio, caused interlude, then accosted by Smiler, to assist with GPz, I diagnosed a flat battery, and suggested that if they got the battery out while I was at Morrisons, I’d charge it off the car when I got back with fags.

After a tour of Coalville, to try and find anywhere open after 10pm… we returned, to find Battery waiting for us, and Smiler still playing lamp-post.

Jump leads were pulled from the boot, and car headlamps arranged to throw some light on matters, and after five minutes on the leads, battery was re-fitted, and prodding the starter switch was rewarded by a lazy groan of a crank rotated a quarter turn, and the lights went out again.

OK, more charge needed, and the process repeated. Slightly less lazy lurch, but not enough to get the motor spinning.

“Well it holding charge” Says Smiler, “Not enough to turn it over, but it might Bump” he says…..

Bludy Hell! TWO perceptive remarks from Smiler on one evening! I felt feint. STUNNED and feint!

“Go on then!” We suggested, helpfully, “Give him a push!”

https://sphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/580371_493582187333370_1407282817_n.jpg

Smilers turn to look stunned.

I’m not sure whether because he’d had a good idea, OR at the idea of being the one to have to do the pushing!

But after a few runs up and down the Vic car-park, there was LIFE!

https://sphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/298694_493582214000034_844605187_n.jpg%20

And one very happy GPZ rider, who could finally go home!

So, there you have it, really……

Ah! Yes, Smiler, the Lamp and the Pole. You are still on the edges of your seats, aren’t you? Dripping with anticipation…… “Must be on the way back”… “What did he do on the return journey?” your expecting tales of carnage; rough wanderings onto the motorway; humorous mishaps with confectionary packaging and the like, aren’t you?

Well…. Sorry, but that’s pretty much it! The pole? Yeah, that was the chap on the GPz… he came from Warsaw, apparently!

So; Smiler, the Lamp, and the Pole…. A jolly Knights-of-the-Road tale, involving a road trip, bona fida 1% ers, old fashioned gallantry, improvised repairs, and broken bikes….. none of them SMILERS!
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My Webby'Tef's-tQ, loads of stuff about my bikes, my Land-Rovers, and the stuff I do with them!
Current Bikes:'Honda VF1000F' ;'CB750F2N' ;'CB125TD ( 6 3 of em!)'; 'Montesa Cota 248'. Learner FAQ's:= 'U want to Ride a Motorbike! Where Do U start?'

[WannaBeDude]

Tldr ... elongated not epic, nescafe is shit.

wtf is the vic .... eastenders.
____________________
Jogging on, destination living.

[The Artist]

https://i.imgur.com/ISey5.jpg

[SnowTigeress]

[TheSmiler]

Everyone can be a creative genius at times

Also not bad 155 miles on £8
____________________
CB125>CG125>GN125>ER5>K100RS>R1100RS>K100RS
A2 completed 23/07/15 Ready for the Golden Crisp Packet

[WannaBeDude]

Nice pics if not a little darky, btw well done snows for passing, and smiler you are still mental.
____________________
Jogging on, destination living.

[anthony_r6]

Can't believe I read that...
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Ted : "Maybe he's agoraphobic."
Dougal : "Jack scared of fighting? I don't think so, Ted."

[SnowTigeress]

[cb1rocket]

[Teflon-Mike]

[TheSmiler]

[andym]

good story... the only thing I can't figure out... why did the battery need to come out of the bike?

[Teflon-Mike]

[andym]

[Teflon-Mike]

[_Iain_]

[Teflon-Mike]

[TheSmiler]

Erm sorry for bringing this up again but...

Met him again yesterday briefly, was filtering along a road and a big HGV moves over for me filter past him to the lights (he is at the lights at the front), in the window he is there knocking, turn my head and he put his thumb up and showing me a video of him doing wheelies on his mobile.

Nice to see that if you help someone they will help you really made my day
____________________
CB125>CG125>GN125>ER5>K100RS>R1100RS>K100RS
A2 completed 23/07/15 Ready for the Golden Crisp Packet

[Teflon-Mike]

[TheSmiler]

[Teflon-Mike]

[nightshaddow]

[Teflon-Mike]

[i.p.phrealy]

[Alpha-9]

That was a good story, thanks for that
I enjoy your stories as you keep us hanging on

Now i'm gonna read the rest of the thread to pass more time

Good stuff
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Fzr-600 1999