Train announcements

[Dan 4RR]

Actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...


1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
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2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
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3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."
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4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."
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5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".
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6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."
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7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."
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8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."
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9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."
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10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."
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11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."
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12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
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13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!"
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14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."
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Sorry if it's a repost
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[dransy]

lol if that is true then its bloody damn funny
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[The Tot]

LOL, THAT is rate funny. shame i've run out of karma points to give out. Never heard anythign as profound or as silly as that when i got the train home from school. LOL - pass the dutchie 'pon the left hand side.
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The Tot 2019 Z1000SX - 2007 R1
Never argue with autism

[st3v3]

ha, ha,

you'd never hear of owt like that up here,polite,

he,he..
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[swaffs]

Very funny,
I have heard comments like that on the tube before.

A good friend of mine is a driver on the Northern Line, and is well know for similar remarks.
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[Paivi]

Heard once on the District Line train approaching Earls Court: "Apologies for the delay. You're not going to believe this, but I've just been told a Circle Line train, instead of turning right towards High Street Ken decided to go straight into sidings. How bloody difficult is it: the clue is in the name, Circle Line, would you like me to spell it for you?"

An hour later we were finally on our way. Took that long to get somebody down who could manually override the controls so the train could reverse into the tracks.

Very funny characters also among the station announcement staff at Baker Street and Moorgate.
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My other bike's a Monster...

[stinkwheel]

Mornington Crescent!

I win.

[JBurrows88]

Funny

I like the last one

I rememeber a taxi driver once saying that to me/mates when we (not me ofcourse ) sparked up a joint coming back from somewhere!
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Dave
XJR400 Kenney Roberts Paint Job

[Paivi]

[syl]

[stinkwheel]

Cockfosters

[syl]

Good move, but you'll have to do better than that - I'm not falling for the Knox Gambit! Time to open another horizontal:

Bromley-by-Bow
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Current bike: Kawasaki Z750S

[Visitor Q]

'And thats numberwizz'

Or whatever that gameshow is off that thing by the peepshow people.

(i now blame it on the LACK of drugs!)
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From September 2014 to January/February 2015 I will not be using any English, nor reading any. As such, I won't be on here. PM at will, but I won't be checking/posting unless in emergencies. Certainly not for the first couple of months. Please berate me savagely if I break that rule...

[Paivi]

I had a look at the links you posted and I still have no idea how to play the game! I played the computer one several times and almost always won, but have no idea how I did it.

Give me strip poker anyday...
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My other bike's a Monster...

[TheShaggyDA]

Well, unless you can beat a Royal Flush, I do believe you have to go starkers now
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[i:6e3bfc7581]But still I fear and still I dare not laugh at the madman...[/i:6e3bfc7581]

[Paivi]

Five aces, sorry mate.
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My other bike's a Monster...

[syl]

[stinkwheel]

[Paivi]

[syl]

I wasn't expecting such a bold move from a begginer - are you sure you haven't played before? I've thought about Farringdon but that would leave me boxed. Because of the Eastern tilt I'm almost forced to pass but as Cannon Street is closed for repairs AND we appear to be playing Rushton rules, I believe that I've got a get-out:

Dollis Hill
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Current bike: Kawasaki Z750S

[Paivi]

Going to go for my old home station: Baker Street. And then I'm off to Foyle's in Charing Cross Rd for a rule book.
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My other bike's a Monster...

[stinkwheel]

[syl]

I'm a bit stuck now myself, but let's see if you can get usout of the loop from here. If you can post within 5 minutes, you might just be able to reach escape velocity:

Holborn
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Current bike: Kawasaki Z750S

[stinkwheel]

Well, I was considering countering with a Grange Hill loop to avoid the Dollis Hill backshunt but this would leave my part of the game in an untenably weak position.

I think however I may have the solution. Unfortunately, it wont work while the central line is being quartered like that.

Dollis hill.

[syl]

A good solid move, and also leaves players on an even quadrant in spoon, if I'm not very much mistaken. But, it means under Rushton's I can play:

Warren Street

Of course prior to the 1994 revision this move would have been illegal.

Paivi (or anyone else) - can you help us out?
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Current bike: Kawasaki Z750S