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| Noxious89123 |
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Noxious89123
World Chat Champion
Joined: 10 Jun 2007
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 Posted: 12:26 - 03 Nov 2008  Post subject: Haynes Translations |
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Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size).
Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: PINGGGG - "Jesus, where the hell did that go?"
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two).
Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes:Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.
Haynes:Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned.
Haynes:One spanner rating.
Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to **** it up?
Haynes:Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).
Haynes:Three spanner rating.
Translation: Make sure you won't need your motor bike for a couple of days.
Haynes:Four spanner rating.
Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?
Haynes:Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in it again.
Haynes:If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
Haynes:Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer...
Haynes:Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"
Haynes:Carefully...
Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions.
Haynes:Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Haynes:Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Haynes:Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
Haynes:Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.
Haynes:Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...
Haynes:Using a suitable drift...
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes:Everyday toolkit
Translation: RAC Card & Mobile Phone
Haynes:Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother.
Alternatively, clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes:Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do.
____________________
'06 Honda CBR125RW-6 ~ '00 Honda CBR600F-Y ~ '07 Honda CBR600RR-7 ~ Bikeless 
'53 Ford Ka 1.3 ~ '03 Vauxhall Astra SRi 1.8 ~ '52 Vauxhall Astra SRi 2.2 ~ '53 Vauxhall Astra GSi |
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| map |
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map
Mr Calendar
Joined: 14 Jun 2004
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Posted: 15:43 - 03 Nov 2008  Post subject: |
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I'm sure many, if not all, posted at sometime before but being so true they always raise a smile.
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...and the whirlwind is in the thorn trees, it's hard for thee to kick against the pricks...
Gibbs, what did Duckie look like when he was younger?  |
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| Blau Zedong |
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Blau Zedong
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Joined: 26 Jun 2006
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Posted: 16:05 - 03 Nov 2008  Post subject: |
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Like it alot 
The write up for stripping a GSXR750M for leg (minus factory tools) makes it sound as ardous as wiring a plug rather than balancing a 200kg plus behemoth while you attempt to strip a precision cartridge fork assembly which contains the worlds biggest spring.
____________________
18:54:48 Rob Fzs: jews don't give away stuff for free
18:54:59 Rob Fzs: unless its their clothes/ hair/ golden teeth |
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| Ariel Badger |
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Ariel Badger
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| Faraz |
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Faraz
Nearly there...
Joined: 26 May 2007
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| Noxious89123 |
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Noxious89123
World Chat Champion
Joined: 10 Jun 2007
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| chris-red |
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chris-red
Have you considered a TDM?
Joined: 21 Sep 2005
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| aaronb74 |
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aaronb74
Crazy Courier
Joined: 05 Aug 2008
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Posted: 10:44 - 04 Nov 2008  Post subject: |
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lol, brilliant.
I really hate the "...as described in Chapter 7" bits, especially when the Chapter 7 bit is 3 times as big a job as what you're trying to do 
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Current bike - 2006 ZX6R |
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| tutton |
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tutton
World Chat Champion
Joined: 04 Jan 2008
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| Posted: 12:27 - 04 Nov 2008 Post subject: |
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REP worthy 
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Past: '05 Peugeot XPS '99 Aprillia RS125 '94 FZR600R
Current: '02 ZX636 A1P '51 CCM R30 |
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| Fisty |
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Fisty
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| ajacko |
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ajacko
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Joined: 03 Aug 2008
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| djr |
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djr
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| Faraz |
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Faraz
Nearly there...
Joined: 26 May 2007
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| ZRX61 |
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ZRX61
Victor Meldrew
Joined: 05 Nov 2003
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| Posted: 21:42 - 04 Nov 2008 Post subject: |
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Once replaced the driveshafts & associated gubbins on a Citroen CX Safari with the hinderance of a Haynes Book Of Lies.
It stated the job took 4 hours.....
They were close, it took 3 fucking hours to do the first one the way they said it had to be done. 
& then another 40 minutes to do the second one after an infusion of common sense & mechanical apptitude.  |
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| binge |
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binge
Emo Kiddy
Joined: 02 Jul 2004
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| Posted: 22:09 - 04 Nov 2008 Post subject: |
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Haynes is handy for Torque settings and Bolt lengths etc. Thats about it really.
Again, Just about every procedure ends with a pair of mole grips and a hammer. So its pointless even trying to go by the haynes. Where they have nice photos of them stripping down a brand spanking new car, Which isnt rusty. |
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| Hutchysrs50 |
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Hutchysrs50
World Chat Champion
Joined: 15 Sep 2008
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| Posted: 23:53 - 04 Nov 2008 Post subject: |
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Just Lol....
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Gilera SC 125 - Current |
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| krebsy |
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krebsy
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| Bishbash |
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Bishbash
World Chat Champion
Joined: 09 Jan 2006
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| Posted: 15:05 - 05 Nov 2008 Post subject: Re: Haynes Translations |
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| GodzGift |
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GodzGift
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Old Thread Alert!
There is a gap of 1 year, 137 days between these two posts... |
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| Tango675 |
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Tango675
Crazy Courier
Joined: 24 Jul 2007
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| Posted: 08:07 - 24 Mar 2010 Post subject: |
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Just got sent this... but someone beat me to posting it.... by a long time 
____________________
Somebody give that windup merchant a torque wrench.. |
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| 27cows |
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27cows
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| cloric_tzr |
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cloric_tzr
Brolly Dolly
Joined: 13 Mar 2010
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| chris-red |
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chris-red
Have you considered a TDM?
Joined: 21 Sep 2005
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| Posted: 16:12 - 25 Mar 2010 Post subject: Re: Haynes Translations |
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| Noxious89123 wrote: |
Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Haynes:Carefully...
Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions.
Haynes:Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Haynes:Using a suitable drift...
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
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HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays
used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the
object we are trying to hit.
STANLEY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes
containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling
mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal
your future becomes.
MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing
else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat
to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
a brake-drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles,
they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've
been searching for for the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say,
"F...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you have
installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the front wing.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a
hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic
floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten
times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without
the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid
from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that
your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside,
its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate
as 105-mm howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark
than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as
the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel
burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air
that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts
last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dagenham, and rounds them off.
PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
____________________
Well, you know what they say. If you want to save the world, you have to push a few old ladies down the stairs.
Skudd:- Perhaps she just thinks you are a window licker and is being nice just in case she becomes another Jill Dando.
WANTED:- Fujinon (Fuji) M42 (Screw on) lenses, let me know if you have anything. |
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| Face. |
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Face.
Nitrous Nuisance
Joined: 27 Sep 2009
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| Face. |
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Face.
Nitrous Nuisance
Joined: 27 Sep 2009
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| Posted: 16:26 - 25 Mar 2010 Post subject: |
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Good to know it's not just me.
Changing the piston on the gp100 was a mare when the garage forgot to put in two stroke oil. |
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Old Thread Alert!
The last post was made 15 years, 335 days ago. Instead of replying here, would creating a new thread be more useful? |
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