Venting required...

[technophobe]

First off, I'm not even sure why I'm writing this here. I'm not sure I'll hit submit when it's written. But an outlet is needed, so here goes.

Only a very few people from here have met me, and I'm not sure how I'd react if I knew you few had read this. At least one person on here knows 90% of everything below already, just doesn't know what my nick is on BCF (if you see this, and you will know who you are, feel free to point L to this thread if you want).

Enough rambling, to the emotional venting...

For a long time, I've been in a relationship (with kids, and a house etc etc) but haven't been happy. Almost a year ago now, we split up, but continued to live togther for the sake of the kids (4yr old, 9yr old & 10yr old).

I can't afford to move out, and pay bills on the family home, nor can I put the kids through the hardship that would happen by not paying the bills.

I have moved out in the past, and I moved in with my dad. That put the kids through hell, emotionally, even while I was seeing them every other day. Despite the fact I've never had a good relationship with my dad, he was good enough to put me up, without asking for rent etc. Even doing that, I ran up a massive debt just to see the kids. Then I had to say goodbye to them at the end of the day whenever I saw them. As any parent reading this will know, that ripped my heart out almost daily. The kids were in tears every time too.

Then my dad moved to America to be with his new wife (they got married over there). That was something that had been planned for some time obviously, but it meant I had to move back in with my ex.

As a result of moving back in with her, we ended up getting back together, only to split up again - like I said, we've been seperate but living in the same house for almost a year now.

During the last 10-11 months, my ex has seen 3 other guys (that I'm aware of), which I've had no problem with at all. In fact, I've been happy for her. It's wound me up when she's tried to hide it, or bare face lied to me about it when I've asked, but that's the only negativity I've had about it all.

Given the situation, I resigned myself to not finding anyone else, and being single, at least until my ex could support the kids financially & I could get a place of my own. How many women would take on a bloke with 3 kids & still living with his ex? I figured it to be somewhere less than zero. So what's the point in trying to look for someone?

Then, the weekend before last, I met someone that showed me I was pretty clearly wrong. Someone would accept the situation, at least in part. She would.

Over that weekend, I was very careful to be open & honest about my situation. More so than I wanted to be, as I felt it'd only scare her away.

On top of my situation, there's also a considerable distance seperating us, but over the course of the last week, we've talked about more & more. She has her own personal issues (which there's no way in hell I'm going to write about here!), and given my past, I have fairly big trust issues.

We had agreed, right up until tonight, to take things slowly & see what happened.

On returning home from that weekend, my ex asked me about the weekend. Given that I've been wound up in the past by her not being forthcoming with me; I felt the only course of action was to be open & honest with her. So I told her what happened.

The blokes reading this (if any of you got this far!) will know what's coming next...

My ex has now decided that she risks loosing me, and wants to do anything she can to get me back. I'm sorry, but far too much has happened for me to ever get back with her. It simply wouldn't work. It never has in the past, and it's not about to now.

The above has caused no end of arguments. Some rather personal things have been said, some very hurtful things have been said. On both sides. I won't go into detail as to what's been said, as a couple of BCF'ers know where I live, and I'd rather this be kept private. I'd appreciate it if the people I mentionned above respect that.

The culmination of all the arguing tonight, has lead to the very real possibilty that we might be selling the house. That way I can afford to move on better, and still see the kids.

It's still going to be hell if I have to say goodbye to the kids frequently, but I can't continue like this. I've been unhappy for so long, and that will inevitably affect the kids - that's not acceptable.

Because of the various things that have happened, there could be a custody fight over the kids. Again, I don't want this, but I will do everything I physically can to ensure they are looked after as they should be.

As I said above, the person I met, has her own issues. I don't think she quite realises just how special she is to me, simply for showing me how wrong I've been in thinking no-one would understand/put up with the situation. She's been through a lot, and because of how much I care about her, I don't want to put her through any more.

For that reason, I've decided that I have to stay just friends with her, at least until my personal crap is sorted out. I don't think it would be fair to get into a relationship with anyone, least of all someone risking being hurt, someone I care so much about.

I really don't know what I hoped to accomplish by typing all that. It hasn't made me feel any better about the whole mess. So fuck it, I'm going to hit submit.

Whatever anyone wants to write in reply, be that the stock BCF response involving "punching" and "garry" or otherwise - so be it.

As an update to the above: I've now had about 2 hours sleep following last nights arguments.

I've decided that I'm going to show this to "L" (mentionned above), and we've been talking a bit this morning.

I hurt her this morning, which I sort of expected, but I was doing what I felt was the right thing to do. As she has rightly pointed out (in her usual firey way), she's an adult too, and I really should of talked to her about it instead of assuming I knew best.

So as I know you'll read this now, and I know I said it this morning, but again, I'm sorry for putting you through this. I know you keep telling me to stop saying that, but tough.
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Riding isn't dangerous, crashing is. A 'good' ride is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' ride is one after which you can use the bike again.

[Kwaks]

The kids will be happiest when you and your ex are happy, whether together or not
____________________
Fallen Angel "Nae sniffing my seat now!!!!! "
www.cliqueycuntsmcc.co.uk
I AM NOT A FAST RIDER!!!!!!!!!

[iooi]

I would have thought that the 9 & 10 year olds would have sensed that all is not love and roses between you and the mrs.

As hard as it is. A clean break could be the best answer in the long run.
As the kids get older, the way you have been living will become more aware to them, even the fact she has seen other people, will possibly be mentioned to them at some point by other kids.
And we all know how nasty kids can be when they have information like that to band around....

If you could sell up and get that clean break and then get yourself together with your new found friend, in whatever way you both feel comfortable with. It could just be as good for the kids as you and your ex living together, but with a nasty atmosphere in the home.

Sure the kids will be upset to start with, but kids are a lot stronger than we think, and will bounce back and respect you more in the end.
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Just because my bike was A DIVVY, does not mean i am......

[Barry_M2]

I think your ex is only now trying to keep you is because you've been there to support her financially for the past year and a 'live in babysitter' while she goes off and does what ever she wants.

When you move out it's not going to be so easy for her to go out and meet people because of the kids etc..

Dont stay for the kids sake, they can see through you both even if you do think you're doing a good job of pulling the wool over their eyes, their not stupid! They want to you stay together so being kids they are not going to say anything. But inside, they know.

They will be devistated, but they will also get over it quickly, just make sure you see them often.

I think you've decided pretty much what you are going to do, and I do feel for you, I'd not like to go through it with mine.


____________________
ZXR750R (M2) - For the road.
CBR1000 RR4 - For the track.
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[J0Al1]

Sounds to me like you have been pretty selfless and have done everything you can to 'give it a go', put the kids first and look out for everyone else.

It's about time you did something for yourself and set about turning your life around and re-establishing it as best you can with as much involvement with the kids as possible.

Im disappointed to hear about your X behaving badly when you told her about your new interest. That was rather insecure or selfish of her and certainly unnecessary. You didn't deserve that.

Its funny tho, just recently I have had a guy play that card on me in weak attempt to gain my interest

Anyhow, your X should get a bit of government help via TAX credits depending on her work situation. Your kids will still love you even if they are hurt/confused at the moment.

I would suggest a clean break is far better for the kids than the confusing messages they have been receiving. But, you can always explain to them that you have been trying your hardest to do what is best


Good luck and be happy

[D O G]

There is no advice contained in this post, I'm just putting my thoughts down.

I simply cannot understand why so many people get into these sort of situations.

You must have been together for a long, long time, and have made massive commitments to each other, first with the children and then the house. What changed from being happy and willing to make these commitments to separating?

I just don't get it.

The only two ways that I can see the situation developing like this is either there was an accidental pregnancy early on, which tied you together without proper consideration on wither part, or the communication and empathy has been poor during the relationship to mean that adverse feelings are not communicated and resolved in a timely fashion, just left to fester.

Both things are easy to avoid.


More on topic, what makes you think that you can have a successful relationship with the new lady? From your post I have assumed that she has had significant relationship issues herself in the past. Why would these change with you?

What's stopping you from trying to renew the relationship with your ex? IMO the new lady is as risky as the ex, just different, which at the moment is boosting your low self esteem. What is different about her to your ex which will mean you will have a successful relationship?

Slight ramble, but I think some vague points have been made. Maybe.

[Dragonfly]

I think you are trying to do what is best and its not an easy situation to be stuck in. I dont envy you at all. I think its wise that you have decided to be friends with this other person who has problems as you both have them and there will be no leaping into situations till you both sort out currant ones.

Your ex has only realised that she will loose you, perhaps she has used you as a baby sitter or thought you would never leave and she could do what she wanted with other men. She has got confortable with that and now its in threat of being taken away and another women taking her man away (together or not) will not be good. Especially if you are taking care of the bills etc.

The kids wont be happy if mum and dad arnt happy, fight al the time and bad atmpsohere, Kids can pick up on that even if they havnt seen you argue. Although heartbreaking you cant take the kids with you or be together you have to go for the sake of the kids and your own happiness. Least your a good dad that wants to see his kids and be around them and they will get used to it.

I dont know what way that works if you have a mortgage as I understand you cant pay that and a roof over your head it was t he same when I was split with an ex I owned a house with, I have no kids with him but I couldnt pay for my own flat and a morgage and lost my house as he contunined to live there and wouldnt pay for it. I sold it in the end and managed to evict him at the last chance before I lost it all together.

So I understand with kids there you want to keep the roof overtheir heads . Worst comes to worst you will have to sell as you need a place to live and your family will go to a council house allocated to them as I assume your partner isnt working and a full time mum if you are paying bills. She wont be left homeless but it wont be easy on the kids. There isnt an easy way of breaking up.

sorry if my answer is shit all help.
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All the breast.
Muzza on Binge:
He's too busy beating the everloving shit out of Lizzie to notice this thread has taken a turn down Drama Avenue and stopped off at the popcorn shop.

[L]

[technophobe]

OK, I really wasn't expecting much of a response to this at all (note that I didn't ask any advice above). But all comments are welcomed.

To be honest, I'm quite dissapointed that the stock BCF response hasn't been said. But still...

iooi, the kids (except the youngest) have been talked to very carefully. We've explained the situation, so there's nothing anyone can say that will surprise them. The main reason for that is that we live in a small village, and it's the kind of village that as I joked about not long ago, has a local pub for local people. Everyone knows everything about everyone else (that's how I heard about my ex & her latest partner).

Barry, you're pretty much spot on, the key I feel is in the timing & explaination.

Monkeypie, thank you for the kind words.

Damofo, you said you didn't understand why the change from happy & willing to make a commitment, to seperating. I said in the OP that I have trust issues. Without spelling it out for you, that's a pretty big clue. Although there are other issues too. Relationships are sadly not that simple. What's stopping me renewing the relationship, well, I think that's already been answered, either by myself or L.

You're also very correct in that a relationship with anyone, has almost exactly the same chance of success. However, without all the negative history (on both sides, I won't pretend I've been perfect), things are easier.

dragonfly, you're not the only person to say it's wise to just stay friends. For now, that's exactly what we're doing. If anything more happens, well, cross that bridge when we come to it.

One point you may not be correct on, and I refuse to go into the reasons why, is about taking the kids with me. Don't get me wrong, I would never want to remove them from their mother unless it was absoluetly necessary - but that possibility is there.

If we have to sell the house, and make a clean break, we have to sell & make a clean break. I'd just rather try & live amicably with my ex until I can see how things can be different. That could be weeks, it could be months, I don't want to put a time limit on it.

Before now, we have got along fine, when she was seeing other people & I wasn't. I'm hoping (probably in vain) that will still be possible, at least for a short while. Solely for the sake of the kids. A clean break well timed is far better than a messy one for them.

L, when I pointed you to this, I never expected you to comment on the thread. As I've already said, thank you.

Coming back to Damofo's comment of what makes L different to my ex? She's the first person I've met in years that has the ability to make me smile (other than the kids obviously), no matter how low I'm feeling or what we're talking about.
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Riding isn't dangerous, crashing is. A 'good' ride is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' ride is one after which you can use the bike again.

[Hoffy]

Punch your ex in the tits , do your new mrs up the gary.

Next.
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Plagued by 1980s Suzuki 2 strokes !

[Dragonfly]

I am easily confused so bear with me here . If L is this lady you are talking about how about both of you sitting down and talking about it like adults over a cuppa? Although I think in here may have helped with outside opinions like mediation etc Good to hear both sides of the story. I hope you two can sort it out as painlessly as possible and be happy in what ever you do.
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All the breast.
Muzza on Binge:
He's too busy beating the everloving shit out of Lizzie to notice this thread has taken a turn down Drama Avenue and stopped off at the popcorn shop.

[L]

[L]

[Hoffy]

[L]

[L]

[/quote]

Ok ok , but more importantly , will you be letting him do you up the gary ?

LOL[/quote]

lmao, i'll let him answer that one

[technophobe]

[Clanger]

Funnily enough you are not the first person I have heard of to be in this situation.

In both circumstances, that I know of, the relationship with the new person continued and grew whilst the other stayed with the ex. Also, after a good year of this situation, they moved in with the significant other, and so far so good.

My personal instinct would be to tell you to get out, and be single and live alone. But you may end up in a hovel, especially if you have to fork out for mortgage and bills on your old place at the same time.

I guess if your 'new friend' can hack this living arrangement, then it doesn't seem like there is a problem.

Good luck for the future.
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter won't mind - Dr. Seuss

[L]

[Scouse]

I think it's time you two kids got a room. That or msn accounts

[Dragonfly]

Ok L is the friend in this, good good. She has a good head on her shoulders and both you do. Its the ex now What a sticky situation that I havnt ever been in so I think I will just watch now.
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All the breast.
Muzza on Binge:
He's too busy beating the everloving shit out of Lizzie to notice this thread has taken a turn down Drama Avenue and stopped off at the popcorn shop.

[yuri2085]

Didnt bother reading the replies and maybe I am misunderstanding here?

She gets to see other guys but you are not allowed to date? Quit being a bitch and tell her that you are finished and that you have the right to find someone else.

[Banned]

did nt bother reading replys either, but your happinesss will rub off on the kids as much as your sadness, you sound like a bloody good loving dad and no matter what happens you will be there for your kids, so get happy, get living again, see your kids through access and good luck, self preservation is not selfishness.

steve

[Howling TerrorOutOfOffice]

Happiness is not living with your Ex.
Kids adapt, especially when young.
Life can be short


Pat
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[Flip]

Kill your ex, kill the kids, bang your friend. It's the only way.