Family obligation - Update... AGAIN!

[Visitor Q]

UPDATED... go to page 5 for update.
Updated, a second time

So, admittedly my family are very far down on the scale of oiks, and have been fractured to a lesser or greater extent since I was only young...

But my last visit back really hit home what a horrible group of people they are, how much I'd out grown them, and generally what a negative influence they were in my life.

I have sat and thought about it at length, and eventually just wiped them off my facebook. It sounds petty, but it was their last means to 'keep an eye on me', they would argue to check how I was going, I would argue it was to watch me if I fail. Not to mention all the threats about health insurance and such (if I didn't have it they'd have to bail me out, and have to sell the house to do so - with the inference I'd never get out from their pocket if they did), I've decided to deprive them of that.

Anyway, middle class spoilt kid whose parents never divorced though I am (therefore I totally have no rights to complain ), I feel I'm not acting out of childish pique... I just can't bring myself to keep stoking the fire with people I have nothing but contempt for.

So, any more to add on this discussion? Either side?
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China traffic/travel bike vid - When I make a sweeping statement, please add the word 'statistically' in to the sentence before you bitch...
From September 2014 to January/February 2015 I will not be using any English, nor reading any. As such, I won't be on here. PM at will, but I won't be checking/posting unless in emergencies. Certainly not for the first couple of months. Please berate me savagely if I break that rule...

[The Artist]

What country did you grow up in?

[Visitor Q]

[Reid]

Wrote out a huge long post but easiest summary is this:

I did the same, no regrets at all. Family can be the worst emotional manipulators you'll ever come across. When the only thing tying you to them is the fact you've got common genetics and they provided Maslowe's most basic needs when you were young, there's no reason to hang about or feel any obligation towards them.

[Visitor Q]

[The Artist]

[Visitor Q]

[pepperami]

Hmmmm? thinks.

1. Some bits of the jigsaw will never fit together.
2. Maybe time and adulthood will become a healer.
3. You cant be held responsable for other peoples thinking.
4. Dont let history chew you up.
5. If you stand alone, you stand alone.
6. You are your own person and have your own will.


I was`nt going to post this, but "what the hell" .

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I am the sum total of my own existence, what went before makes me who I am now!

[Bubbs]

Sounds a bit like your being selfish if I'm honest. Sounds like they are trying their best to manipulate you to stay because they are going to miss you so much, and are trying anything to get you to stay. However I don't know what your childhood was like or many other factors.

Seems harsh to be cutting your family out totally.

Family is the most important thing in my life so I'm biased towards that frame of mind.

Difficult to give a solid response without knowing your background.
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Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.

[Bubbs]

Plus you should take into account that you have put yourself in a position where you have been able to experience loads of new things, and travelled. You have grown and now when you come back and everything is the same it show's up how much you have changed.

I have experienced this and all I wanted to do was leave again, which I did. But my parents were supportive so all was cool.

Out of interest how old are you Bonny?
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Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.

[Sload]

Dont know what to add other then don't burn your bridges completely.

People, emotions & circumstance change. Go out & prove yourself if that's your intent but it might be premature to completely disown them. You may regret it further down the line when they are gone.

[bazza]

Sounds like they're well shot of you. Don't ever breed.
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"That's it. You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college."
'98 Ducati 750SS, '08 Suzuki GSX650F ©2004-2014, Bazza's Harmless Banter

[Visitor Q]

[Visitor Q]

[Sload]

If money and the loan is such a point of contention for you as a family, I would be sorely tempted to take out a bank loan and pay him back. I would consider the interest payment as fair price to remove that from the equation.

As for the text, It didn't read that bad to me. Worst bit was the re-invent comment, the rest was non subtle emotional blackmail. But then I have no emotional ties invested in the situation.

I still say don't go with the intention of 'screw them' for the rest your days. Life has a funny way of twisting your perspective, and the same applies to them. Think of it this way, if they didn't really care, they wouldn't be trying to screw with your head

[Bubbs]

[Visitor Q]

I explained this problem, to their faces, calmly, several times.

Which inflamed everyone and the emotional blackmail really started then.

The final straw was the last weekend.

I realised, as well, that I actually don't mind England so much. It's hard to earn a living wage, and I have no future there, but the place itself is alright. These three weeks I was back, my friends really came together for me and gave me a great send off... all delighted to see me, complimenting me on how calm and pleasant I was these days...

My family... I got literally 10 hours in the country before both sisters were guilt tripping me about not informing them about my surprise visit, and how they MUST get to spend a whole day with me and I was impinging on their plans.

Great start. People talking to me throughout my 'comeback tour' will know my family were driving me nuts, but that last Sunday was the finality to it, and eventually I did lay it all on my dad. No fear of violence or him destroying all my stuff or any of the other threats he's pulled.

As for the loan, it was required. And I am grateful. But it is going back to him, and he'd sooner it wasn't actually, because then he's the big guy and I'm the sponger.

I worked my arse off saving over 5 grand in 2009 in a shit job in 7 or 8 months... yeh I was staying at home, and fuck did he make sure I knew it. And then at the airport there was a visa issue, so he bought my 500 quid return ticket, and refused to take the money back for it. In his mind now, and what he tells everyone, is he paid for my 5 months in South Africa, which should have only been 3 months except I impressed the dive group so much they employed me another two months... I was 21 then.

He will pay lip service to it all, how wonderful my experiences have been, how I've lived more in my life than most do by the time they die... with a bitter tone to his voice. But by the next hand he's talking to me like I'm a 12 year old. He guilt trips money in to your hand, forces you to make shit decisions with that money (anyone remember that fucking VFR he made me buy, and the shit goose actually... his idea), and then controls and guilts you over it.

He has controlled me my whole life, or at least tried to. The whole family enable him. It's a very toxic atmosphere, and I'm sick of it. I've tried, very very fucking hard to tolerate them all. Really. But now it just seems pointless.

They can say they love me all they want. If every action of theirs is negative, controlling, inflammatory or hateful... what is the fucking point. I genuinely get more respect and trust from strangers these days, and regularly.

Well, we'll see how the email to return the funds goes. May see if I can just reverse the transfer.

Anyway, anyone else had similar revelations? Is it just the next logical step of independence in the 'rebel-without-a-clue' or am I just a loathesome bastard?
____________________
China traffic/travel bike vid - When I make a sweeping statement, please add the word 'statistically' in to the sentence before you bitch...
From September 2014 to January/February 2015 I will not be using any English, nor reading any. As such, I won't be on here. PM at will, but I won't be checking/posting unless in emergencies. Certainly not for the first couple of months. Please berate me savagely if I break that rule...

[anthony_r6]

If it's as bad as you perceive it to be, then you are better cutting ties. I know quite a few people who are in similar situations with their families. Always being manipulated, used and generally treated like a child, no opinion, no being outspoken, etc etc. If anything is done for their benefit, they're made aware of it at every opportunity.

I look at my friends life and the way her family treat her, and I think if that was me, not only would I have left by now, but I'd have done some damage on my way out.

You don't owe them nothing (except the money I guess.) Just because they're blood related doesn't mean you have to like them, or endure them.
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Ted : "Maybe he's agoraphobic."
Dougal : "Jack scared of fighting? I don't think so, Ted."

[bazza]

[hellkat]

Ah shit.




That text from your mum makes me feel sad for her, it must have ripped her heart out to acknowledge that last bit to herself

(and even if its emotional blackmail, frustratingly, as a mother, I know we would all attempt it, but it is true that it really is very difficult to be so far away from your children, and never see them: no matter how obnoxious they might appear to be at times)

I do agree that you are recognising you're growing away from their repressive influence ... and indeed from the negative remarks that keep you as "their child" and the overhanging threat of always being in their pockets. Its good (and necessary) to break free from those yoke.

But I think there's still a lot of experience to be achieved on your part, and I wouldn't wipe the slate totally clear of them per se, you're still coming across as a bit "angry young man". Knowing you well enough already, I reckon you probably will mature eventually, with decent doses of the introspectiveness you've already shown flashes of here and there.

Just put them to the back of your mind for now, and get on with living your life.

But let them know you're still alive from time to time, yeah? Irregular birthdays, Christmas, etc.

As inferred above, you WILL regret it if they die and you never see them again. Maybe you don't think so now. But if you keep yourself at arms length for long enough, and grow into your own person, then you will lose that edge of enmity which you probably still feel right now, and will settle down into being the "occasional offspring" that most parents do end up getting used to.
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Not nearly as interesting in real life.

[hellkat]

[angryjonny]

Sounds to me like your parents are just human rather than perfect. You become more risk-averse as you get older and I'd imagine they think your lifestyle is dangerous and you're irresponsible for doing it. Insurance is quantifiable, smarts are not, no matter how much you have. It would surprise me if they would ever begudge having to bail you out (were it ever to happen) but they don't want to see you get into a situation where it's necessary.

It's also understandable that your family are going to want to monopolise your time when you're home if they don't see you very often. They're probably also to some extent jealous of everything you get to see and do.

You're obviously eloquent, educated and resourceful and whether you like to admit it or not you owe a great deal of that to them. By all means do your own thing, pay your dad back, live your life for you, but don't sever all contact. They love you and it's unfair to punish them that harshly for being imperfect.

I'm actually in the opposite situation from you. I've lived a few hours drive from my parents since I was 18 and I rarely get to see that much of them. They've now just bought a house a couple of miles from mine and I couldn't be happier about it. But then my folks have always been pretty hands-off. "Do what you like, stay safe, call us if you need anything" - that sort of thing.

[bazza]

[Raffles]

[N cee thirty]