Wife won't talk to me

[Baffler186]

I need advice please: long post but background required I think:

I met my wife 5 years ago, and then we got married in 2011. In 2012 she was diagnosed with Aspergers, although she was told she was at the very low end of the spectrum. To be honest I never associated any of the symptoms to her i.e. I always thought she was "normal". Of course she had traits that one might find in people with Aspergers, but many other people I know also have these traits (forgetfulness, not good with faces/facial recognition, often doesn't get jokes and sarcasm).

Since her diagnosis she slowly started to exaggerate her symptoms, as though she was trying to "fit in" with the Aspergers tick-boxes. She likens herself to Sheldon from "The Big Bang Theory" and is quite proud of it.

Anyway, this hasn't been a problem until about 6 months ago. She has now told me that she sees no point in idle conversation, with me or anyone else, and it's now got to the point where if I don't ask her about things or try to talk, she wouldn't say anything to me the entire evening. If there is something specific to talk about i.e. something we need to organise or address, then she will talk freely, but otherwise if I talk about work or anything mundane, she gives me one word answers or says I'm just complaining.

She also doesn't have any friends (apart from "friends" on Facebook) so she never goes out. More than that, she spends all of her time on the sofa glued to the iPad and/or the TV and doesn't want to do anything. She gets annoyed because she can't go out, but when I tell her to go out and do something she says she doesn't want to. Now if I say I'm going out (on the bike, or to see mates etc) she doesn't object, but always says it in the "Yeah you do that, have fun, leave me here" type way.

We started to go out every month for a meal, and we got her mum to baby-sit. This went well for about 5 months but now has been forgotten and we haven't been out together in about 3 months.

I'm mindful that she has a very hectic life - doing the school run, rushing to work 9 - 1 in a stressful Lab, looking after our 2 year-old, then doing the school run again at 3. So it could be that this is just wearing her down and she doesn't want to do anything else. However, it just seems like things are eventually going to get worse until one day she'll turn into a total hermit.

She has been to the GP about some other issues (hearing loss, anxiety) and the most recent time they said she was depressed and tried giving her medication. She is dead against anti-depressant medication, and pretty much laughed at the GP for even suggesting she might be depressed.

I've tried talking to her but she seems to think there is nothing wrong. I even said one time "you not talking to me makes me feel like you're not interested in anything I do". And she replied "well, I'm not!" It's as though since getting a diagnosis, she's using this as her ticket to be rude and abrupt.

Any advice appreciated.
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Current: 2009 SV650 S, 1990 Kawasaki GT550
Previous: 2009 CBF125, 1998 GSF600, 2004 FZ6 Fazer, 1978 CB400a Hondamatic

[mentalboy]

Are you complaining because you haven't got a nagging wife???
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Make mine a Corona.

[GeorgeB.]

[tbourner]

She sounds like me! I hope my missus doesn't feel the same way about me, I don't get that impression. The only thing from that post that I don't (think I) do is exaggerating the symptoms in order to tick the boxes of Aspergers - although I do have some deep thought that it's somehow 'cool' to have it, I'm not sure why that is.

Sorry that's no help, I don't know what to suggest, I'm not sure what would make me change if I'm honest.
Do you know what her interests are? With me I want to get a bike once the wife has passed her driving test, I'm hoping from that I can go to rideouts (without her) and meet some new people.
Ask her what her bucket list is. If she says she doesn't have one then leave it and ask again a few days later - she'll have thought about it and will have ideas then.
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Trev, now a biker?
Looking for first big bike.

[Llama-Farmer]

It could very well be depression. But if it is, it'll be very hard (or impossible) to treat unless she accepts that it is.

One of the biggest problems is peoples perception of what depression actually is, and the negative stigma associated with it. That is a particularly big hurdle for a depressed person to overcome.
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[gbrand42]

Offer to smash her back doors in
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Yamaha RD50M, Honda C90, Yamaha RS100, Yamaha RD125LC, Honda XL125 V9 Varadero, Honda NT700VA, Honda VFR800X, Honda CRF1000L, Honda ST1300 Pan European

[Baffler186]

Thanks for all your replies, it was good of you to read such a long post.

Yes I suppose in some ways the issue lies with me i.e. She's come to terms with something and I'm the one struggling to accept it. I've always been used to having a good chat with friends/family (my mum and sister never shut up), so sitting in silence for hours is a bit of a shock.

Her interests are food (in particular the caveman diet, she moderates a caveman forum), and watching Sci-Fi on TV (Stargate and the like).

None of this involves leaving the house, so I always feel guilty when I leave her on her own, or with the kids. We do have a family day out on a Sunday but she's always itching to get back home after a few hours to sit down again!
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Current: 2009 SV650 S, 1990 Kawasaki GT550
Previous: 2009 CBF125, 1998 GSF600, 2004 FZ6 Fazer, 1978 CB400a Hondamatic

[P.addy]

Tell her to snap out of it.

Click your fingers, smash back doors in and at the point of explosion, yell BAZINGA.

See how that goes, report back

[CBFcarl]

[Tracey Suntan-King]

Baffler, it is brave of you to set this out here. If I may I'd like to offer my take on this in order to try to help.

If someone is suffering from depression, only they can make the decision to take treatment (medicinal or other). Your wife is obviously a very intelligent woman and is probably rationalising her feelings and has the Aspergers label to pin all of it on. It will be difficult if not impossible for you to persuade her to change/get help. She won't do either till she's worked it out for herself. FWIW it does sound like depression, possibly post-natal. I think the Aspergers diagnosis is a red-herring.

In the meantime your focus or duty of care is for yourself and your child.

So, try not to get annoyed with your wife. Stress how much you do want to do stuff with her and be as supportive as your patience will allow you to be. Maybe get her Mum involved to try to get her out for an evening.

Or could you arrange a day outing with your child and get her to go too. Picnic, zoo, play park etc? If she won't go, go anyway and have a great time. She may regret missing out and so come with you next time.

When you do go out alone, try to avoid the guilt. You shouldn't feel guilty, you're entitled to 'me' time.

This isn't going to be resolved quickly or easily. You need patience, but also to remember that your conscience is clear, it's cause (whether depression or Aspergers) is nothing to do with you.

All the best

X
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Whether you think you can, or think you can't, you're probably right

[Wonko The Sane]

I have no idea about aspergers but wanted to offer a suggestion incase it's of help

could try undertaking a project together such as re-decorating your bedroom or your child's bedroom, working and spending time together, let her plan what things should look like and hopefully a change of scenery indoors might help her mood?

Would it be worth trying to have a 'date' getting someone to babysit and go out somewhere she likes. The wife and I often have a bucket of KFC and watch a film as we don't have many people able to babysit.
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[Copycat73]

but is she fit lookin ..
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Whatever I post I have no citation and no intention of providing one..
caveat emptor

[swampy]

I'm considering requesting Aspergers be renamed 'Clitorisitis', only every cunt seems to have it nowadays...
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"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S Thompson
"Faster, faster, faster, until the thrill of speed overcomes the fear of death..." Hunter S Thompson

[Pete.]

[P.addy]

[tbourner]

[Clanger]

[swampy]

[mudcow007]

[Sload]

Put it on the line maybe? Tell her you need to have a serious and truthful talk and lay out what you have said here. If she is dismissive as she believes it is mundane then ask if she considers the marriage mundane as that is what's on the line. If you go this route and can get a response you will have to be prepared for it to go either way.
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Honda Varadero >> Triumph Speed Four >> Honda CBR1100xx

[mentalboy]

[krarkol]

I don't think she's consciously trying to fit in, more that she's thought about the symptoms and is now starting to truly believe them. In a self-fulfilling prophecy sort of way.

I reckon most people have some form of aspergers anyway. Most people I know tick a few of the boxes for it. Including myself.

Only thing I can really think of is that she may now feel "broken" and she may be a bit depressed about it.
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Bandit 600 - deaded

[Polarbear]

Probably going to get shit for this but -

Someones a cvunt - lets call it a disease and give it a fancy name so no one has to be responsible.

Someones a little hooligan who was badly brought up and now is out of control - lets call it a disease and give it a fancy name so no one has to be responsible.

etc. etc.

I'm probably totally wrong but that's the way it seems to me today.
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Victory Cross Country American tractor.

[Llama-Farmer]

[Baffler186]

Well reading all of these replies certainly has cleared a few things up for me. Like knowing that other people's problems are worse (Pete, sorry to hear that) and knowing that it could be a combination of Depression (which she won't admit to) and other stuff.

Funnily enough last night I got home and she was very chatty and positive. I'm just going to have to get used to the peaks and troughs - she had to get used to that when I was having a breakdown so it's all part of give and take in a marriage.

Thanks for all your advice. I'll continue to do my little things that will help stop her getting moody, like cleaning the house, helping out with washing etc! Which i do anyway but I'm sure we can all do a bit more if we think about it.
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Current: 2009 SV650 S, 1990 Kawasaki GT550
Previous: 2009 CBF125, 1998 GSF600, 2004 FZ6 Fazer, 1978 CB400a Hondamatic