An English speaking person needed...

[RhynoCZ]

I came to a point where I need your help again. As always, I have to do a short summary of my diploma thesis in a foreign language. I picked the language of yours, as I already know a thing or two about it.

Q: Does the following make sense?
Q: Are there any grammar mistakes?

This diploma thesis analyses the bill of exchange, within the Czech law system. The first chapter contains a short historical excursion, that is mainly focused at the development of the bill of exchange law in our territory and its unification. The following chapters are then focused at the types of bills of exchange, selected operations and particular kinds of bills, and also at the process of enforcement of the rights from the bills and the objections against the bill payment order.

Thank you,
____________________
'87 Honda XBR 500, '96 Kawasaki ZX7R P1, '90 Honda CB-1, '88 Kawasaki GPz550, MZ 150 ETZ
'95 Mercedes-Benz w202 C200 CGI, '98 Mercedes-Benz w210 E200 Kompressor

[defblade]

[angryjonny]

[ScaredyCat]

[c_dug]

[Pete.]

[Lord Percy]

Regarding the use of commas to break up long sentences:

I don't think they're just for 'catching your breath'. There are other intricacies to them.

Consider this sentence:
- Today was a Monday, and thanks to my idiot mother, I died.

It's a structure I often see and it's wrong.

Commas such as those in the sentence above are used to break up clauses of information, such that you could remove the part between the commas and the sentence would still work

So it should look like this:
- Today was a Monday and, thanks to my idiot mother, I died.

And, as you can see, the central clause can be pulled out and the main information being conveyed is still there.
- Today was a Monday and [thanks to my idiot mother] I died.
- Today was a Monday and I died.

[angryjonny]

[brains_t]

The following chapters are [then] focused on…..


Nothing early in the paragraph has changed the "following chapters" therefore the "then" is unnecessary.

[ScaredyCat]

[Lord Percy]

[RhynoCZ]

[ScaredyCat]

https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/188253/general/comma.jpg
____________________
Honda CBF125 ➝ NC700X
Honda CBF125 ↳ Speed Triple

[RhynoCZ]

Yes, commas can really change the meaning in a sentences.

Just look at these:
Ben is in a hurry.
and
Ben is in a coma.
____________________
'87 Honda XBR 500, '96 Kawasaki ZX7R P1, '90 Honda CB-1, '88 Kawasaki GPz550, MZ 150 ETZ
'95 Mercedes-Benz w202 C200 CGI, '98 Mercedes-Benz w210 E200 Kompressor

[WD Forte]

I'm probably the worst and should be the last person to make useful comment
but I found it a bit dense.
Not stupid dense just unwieldy dense and I dimly recall being urged to strive for
economy of style and clarity on the day we did reading and writing

Here goes my version
be nice, its christmas!

This diploma thesis analyses the bill of exchange, within the Czech law system. The first chapter contains a short historical excursion, that is mainly focused at the development of the bill of exchange law in our territory and its unification. The following chapters are then focused at the types of bills of exchange, selected operations and particular kinds of bills, and also at the process of enforcement of the rights from the bills and the objections against the bill payment order.

Wrightly or rongly, I'd write summat like this

This thesis analyses the bills of exchange, within the Czech law system.
The first chapter is a short historical excursion focused on the development of the bill of exchange law in our territory and its unification.
(paragraph?j
The following chapters are arranged thus:
The types of bills of exchange,
Selected operations and particular kinds of bills,
The process of enforcement of the rights from the bills and the objections against the bill payment order.
____________________
bikers smell of wee

[i1301243]

[Error 650]

I thought it was good.

My take on it.

This diploma thesis analyses the bill of exchange; within the Czech law system. The first chapter contains a short historical excursion, which is mainly focused at the development of the bill of exchange law in our territory and its unification. The following chapters are then focused at the types of bills of exchange; selected operations and particular kinds of bills, and also the process of enforcement of the rights from the bills also the objections against the bill payment order.

[Val]

Really could not ressist for my take on it:

This diploma thesis analyses the bill of exchange; Why?

This version is short and tells you all you will ever need to know

Can't beat simplicity...
____________________
Adrian Monk: Unless I'm wrong, which, you know, I'm not...
Yamaha Fazer FZS 600, MT09, XSR 900

[RhynoCZ]

Short and descriptive, I like it. I can now fill the empty space with the adverts for stuff I want to sell at the moment.
____________________
'87 Honda XBR 500, '96 Kawasaki ZX7R P1, '90 Honda CB-1, '88 Kawasaki GPz550, MZ 150 ETZ
'95 Mercedes-Benz w202 C200 CGI, '98 Mercedes-Benz w210 E200 Kompressor

[Suntan Sid]

[RhynoCZ]

[Suntan Sid]