Should I throw my son out?

[pseudonym]

Firstly please excuse the anonymous account, this isn't a problem I would be happy about sharing under my usual username.

My son who is 18 in november has been nothing but a nightmare for the past few years. He wont get off his arse and look for a job and causes nothing but grief for his mother with his attitude to her. We have tried everything to motivate him from encouragement to punishment and nothing gets through.

For a while he was hanging around with the wrong crowd and had a few scrapes with the police until I stepped in and said enough was enough, it was either stop or leave home the fast way.

Everything was going ok for a while, he still wasn't looking for work but at least we had separated him form the idiots. Last week he started hanging around with them again and I have to admit to blowing my top with him. I gave him one week to start looking for work and to stay away from them or I was going to throw him out.

Friday is the deadline and as yet he has merely rang two places in a half arsed way and then spent the rest of the days with his mates bumming around.

Should I go through with it and give him the boot? I know he has nowhere to go if I do but I can't bear the disruption and chaos he brings to the house anymore. Any advice would be gratefully welcomed as I feel absolutely awful at the moment and to be truthful pretty depressed with it.

[The Artist]

I am 17 atm, like your son.

What is the point in kicking him out? You gain peace I suppose but he will have no where to go I assume.

My dad almost kicked me out, he said "its not working" etc so I planned to move out but with no jobs anywhere I actually couldn't afford to move out.

It all depends on what you want, it is your house, will kicking him out make things better or worse?
If you want peace and think he will be ok on his own, then kick him out, if you don't think he will manage then you have a hard decision to make as you are his parent, not us.

[Handsome]

From the sounds of that he's not going to change anytime soon untill he gets a kick up the arse, so, stick with the deadline, remind him Wednesday about it and say no more if and when he starts pleading...

If you go back on your word now the situation will never improve as you'll have backed down once and in his eyes he'll keep getting away with things, either way he needs a shock to re-address the situation he's in, he'll learn the easy way or the hard way, but either way he's got to learn while he's under your roof...

He'll move in with one of said Numptys, they'll do each others head in after a while and he'll come back pleading, or he'll move in with another Numpty and so on and so on, either way he needs a kick up the arse...
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Previous Bikes...Honda NSR 125 RR...Kawasaki Zephyr 550...Suzuki SV 1000 S...Yamaha FZ8...Current Bike...Suzuki GSX-R 750...

[The Shaggy D.A.]

Get some cardboard boxes from somewhere like Lok'N'Store and tell him to start sorting the stuff out that he wants to take. Also ask him where he'll be staying so you can forward any mail.

He'll either buck his ideas up or leave, either way it's a result. Last thing you want to do is give in - you'll be a doormat forever.
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[Alexio]

My only insight for you is that kicking him out is a last resort.

By this I mean that I want you to consider that there are many degrees between where the situation is at the moment and finally kicking him out.

For example you can increase his responsibility and effectively cut him off from your overbearing support without making him homeless. Here are a couple of ways:

Restrict his finances. Give him an incredibly small minimal amount every week (equivalent to the dole perhaps) and that unless he changes his attitude that's all he is going to get.

In the same way do not feed your son. If he doesn't spend the little money you give him responsibly on food and if he doesn't learn how to cook then you ought to let him go hungry. It won't kill him.

Do not do household things for him except when you probably have to pick up after him in areas of the house you all use. This means no laundry etc.

Outline his conditions for staying in your house in a very clear way, preferably written down in large letters (a very small amount of money and absolutely no effort towards keeping your son alive) until he changes his attitude.

He will not like this but if at the very least hunger can start to teach him the value and meaning of money and responsibility he might start to appreciate what you've been giving him for the last 18 years of his life.

There are of course many other additional things you can do along the same lines. Don't hesitate to start helping him more if he improves and take that help away the second he fails you again. It's called discipline and it's not unfair for him in any way.
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will never give up his CG. I look at my fuel gauge more as a progress bar than a fuel gauge.
G: With my GSXR I do often effectively use it as a scooter with a clutch in town.
ms51ves3: why does it need 500 miles? Are you teaching it how to be a piston?

[pseudonym]

Thank you both for the reply's, both from different viewpoint's so that really informative.

I Feel exactly like you say AD I don't wan't to do this at all but I don't want him to waste his life either. I was hoping that he would already have started to pull his finger out and address the situation. Why would he risk me doing this? he knows I'm not bluffing.

Ally I don't mind him not working in the sense jobs are hard to find but it's his complete lack of looking for one that grates with me. He has no ambition to do anything other than doss with his mates and while I know that is an important part of growing up if he carries on this way he will end up with nothing.

[defblade]

Can you find him some work (your place or maybe a mates)?

I know it's babying him again, but needn't be paid ("you do this job, you get to stay here") and I've seen quite a few teenagers kick into gear and grow up once they start work, rather than school followed by nowt.
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Honda Varadero 125cc => Suzuki Bandit 650 33bhp => 77bhp =>
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[Handsome]

I've only posted what worked for me at that age, but, ignore what I said and go with Alexios idea...
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Previous Bikes...Honda NSR 125 RR...Kawasaki Zephyr 550...Suzuki SV 1000 S...Yamaha FZ8...Current Bike...Suzuki GSX-R 750...

[pyx_e]

Over 18 = Adult. Would you let ANY other adult treat you like that?

He is not going to grow up while he has no responsibilities. You are not helping him by making his life too easy.

He has to make choices that have consequences.
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Shiney!
Kawasaki: ER5, Versys, VN900.

[Alexio]

A wise person once told me that a lack of focus is the cause of a lack of discipline. It doesn't matter WHAT the focus is in life but having no focus will always cause chaos.

I'm talking about that passion and drive that people find for all of their motivation in life. Sometimes it's supporting your family or the love of your job etc.

It sounds like he just doesn't have a focus and therefore in his mind no purpose, nothing to be aiming and driving for that he can pull satisfaction from.

I don't know how much time you want to spend on him but sucking people in to projects with you, something they can really enjoy and benefit from helps a lot of people. It could be buying a broken bike, taking it apart and putting it back together with him. It could be any number of hobbies, some more and some less expensive. As long as it's something that ambition and pride in workmanship is able to stem from it can really help people.

This is a motorbike forum, I assume you have a motorbike. What about touring with your son? There's all sorts of skills out there for you to share with him. It's those kind of moments in life that can give a person perspective of what's important that they can then extract motivation from.

Hmmmm.... I must be really bored, I'm typing so much.
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will never give up his CG. I look at my fuel gauge more as a progress bar than a fuel gauge.
G: With my GSXR I do often effectively use it as a scooter with a clutch in town.
ms51ves3: why does it need 500 miles? Are you teaching it how to be a piston?

[pseudonym]

Shaggy that is a fantastic idea I will pick some boxes up on the way home and maybe that will give him a jump start.

Alexio you have made some very good suggestions but I'm wondering if I change the rules now would I be as shaggy said his doormat forever? The thing is he has made no effort at all and that means I can't even realisticly meet him half way until he does.

[Alexio]

[pseudonym]

Defblade : He managed to get the worlds easiest job working for camelot about a year ago. Because he looked so young he was going into the shops and trying to buy tickets and if they didn't ID him they were reprimanded. He lasted at that about a month before giving it up.

Pyx_e : Your absolutely right I wouldn't let any adult treat me like that but when it comes to family thats when the lines blur a bit for me.

Alexio: We did try a few projects together putting a bike back together and such and to be fair he was great while doing it but the minute i turn my back and have to go to work he is back to bumming around.

I wish I knew the easy answer. It will kill his mum if it comes to me actually doing it.

[iooi]

If you back down then you are in trouble.

Perhaps as Alexio has said. but.....

You give him no cash.
He gets his own meals, does all his own washing ironing etc.
He starts to pay for the right to stay.

Make it a clear choice. As it is your house, he either stays under your conditions or he takes himself off.

Make it, so its his choice.
That way it gets you out of having to throw him out, or lose face by allowing him to stay and continue to walk all over you.

Many people at 18 are not living at home. S
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Just because my bike was A DIVVY, does not mean i am......

[Mrs Kickstart]

Hi,

While I agree backing down on the kicking him out is not ideal, you do have to consider how you will feel if that turns out badly.

I would probably try alexio method although it will probabaly be hard you to stick to. I would maybe be add another criteria in that if he has no proper job he either needs to work for you (gardening or whatever) or if possible volunteer work for a few hours a week.

He does need to be responsible for himself.


Regards
C
(ps no kids so feel free to ignore me)
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[pyx_e]

[Barry_M2]

[Annabella]

A friend's mother had this problem last year.

Her 18 year old son (and my friend's little brother) was causing mayhem in the family home, not contributing, hanging around with the wrong crowd and generally being abusive towards her. He had a place at college but was close to losing it due to non-attendance.

She reached the end of her tether and threw him out. He had nowhere to go and ended up on the doorstep of my friend after spending a night on the streets (no food, no clothes, apparently he was a mess and she spent most of the day in tears partly angry with her mum for throwing him out and partly annoyed with herself for being so soft as to let him in and offer him food/bath/clean clothes).

The next week continued in much the same way, she threw him out when she left for work in the morning and only let him in at the end of the day. After some tough talking to and a lot of home truths, my friend and her Mum came to an arrangement after laying down the rules for him to return home.

Since then, he went home. Sorted himself out, hasn't missed college and has settled down with a steady girlfriend.

It worked in this instance, but I don't know how it would have turned out had he not had a bed to sleep in.

All I can do is sympathise, I saw how much it upset my friend and she hadn't even had to make the decision to throw him out... Whatever you decide, you should feel that you are doing the right thing for him and his future. Good luck deciding, I wouldn't want to be in your position.
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[Alexio]

I find it amusing I have a "method" attributed to me I'm 20 by the way and have been living entirely alone while going for my university degree for 2 years now. I'm also self employed which means I've had to endure lots of discipline. To be honest it hasn't yet stopped me from being lazy. I will literally go without eating on some weeks rather than finish my work and get paid for something that's sitting right in front of me. Human will is a stubborn thing.

With that said, it's obvious that you will be sadly unable to expect that disciplining your son to be easy. Sometimes bad consequences are literally easier to endure than disciplining yourself to do something you have no real motivation to yet do.

The answer lies within what he wants to accomplish in life, the aforementioned ambition and focus. The only thing that keeps me going, even though I love what I do, is the ambition that I will someday own my own business (with others working for me).

Beyond this current disciplining if you can convince him to look at the big picture and what he will end up doing with his life then you can help him work towards this. I myself found it incredibly hard to go to college because it was the most boring two years of my life and I really did learn NOTHING... but my parents kept on reminding me of the big picture and that while some education might be useless it's the stepping stone to greatness. They told me it was ok to despise college as long as I got it done and aimed for the best that was possible for me in life.

Also, you could consider becoming one of the worlds greatest motivational speakers? This would surely help him
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will never give up his CG. I look at my fuel gauge more as a progress bar than a fuel gauge.
G: With my GSXR I do often effectively use it as a scooter with a clutch in town.
ms51ves3: why does it need 500 miles? Are you teaching it how to be a piston?

[pseudonym]

[Andy C]

Not that I have any idea what this must be like only being 21 but if someone is disrepecting you that much and causing your life to be terrible then I think it may be best to throw him out.

I have found aswell that of my friends that went to uni, the ones who got it all paid for (rent, living etc) tended to be the ones that got into a bit of a mess or were extremely lazy and dropped out. The ones scrapping by knew what they would lose from dropping out after investing all their money though loans.

Sounds like your son needs a wake-up call as to how easy he has it. My parents wouldnt have stood for me to be living at home without a job/paying rent.

I hope it all works out
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99 RS125 --> 02 SV650s --> 03 Speed Four --> 92 RXS100 --> 93 CB400sf --> 01 CB600f Hornet

[yambabe]

Yes, you should stick to your guns and throw him out.

I have been in the same situation twice, once with my stepson and again with my son, and although it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do (and I cried buckets after they had gone, both times) I have no regrets whatsoever.

Thing is it took me a long time of build-up to throw either of them out, I was a soft touch and continually backed down, they continued to take the piss, I kept trying to give them one more chance and to reach a compromise but to no avail.

My stepson stayed on and off with mates for a few weeks and then moved into his dad's house which we were doing up to sell as a temporary measure. My plan was that once he had seen how hard living by himself actually was he would come back to the home on my terms and all would be OK. In 3 months he wrecked the house, cost us thousands. At that point my softening heart hardened right up and I vowed never to have him in my home or any other property I owned again. He's now 21, lives with his girlfriend, still can't hold down a proper job for more than a week and is going nowhere with his life. It hurts like hell but I can't help him anymore, he is one of those people who will only ever learn his life lessons the hard way. We get on fine, but I have to keep a distance from his problems for the sake of my own sanity.

Bit different with my own son, he was older for a start (22), again only a few simple rules and then money became a big issue once he finally dropped out of Uni. He spent 2 months at his girlfriend's mum's house sorting his head out, got a job in Sainsburys then came home a different person realising that he needed to be a part of the household and contribute both personally and finacially.

Just 2 months ago he finally moved out on his own terms into a home with his girlfriend, still has the same job which may not be much but enables him to pay his way and seems to be happy and getting on with life.

So I would say yes, you can't make this an empty threat or he will walk all over you for aslong as you let him, to your own detriment. It will be the hardest thing you have ever had to do but in the circumstances you have to let him know that he now takes responsibility for himself and his life.

Good luck.
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[Shaun]

It can go one of 2 ways, pretty much with both of Jo's experiences above.

My sister was becoming a real pain in the arse for my mum, stayed home all day eating, got a couple of menial jobs which she managed to lose (including working in a burger bar outside a bike shop).

Eventually my mum reacted and kicked her out, she went to her layabout boyfriends, she tried to come home but as much as it hurt my mum she stuck to her guns and told her she had to get a full time job before she would even consider it.

She's still not got a job and has just got pregnant, planned.

It didn't work out as my mum hoped it would but at least this way she can still have a relationship with my sister, when she lived at home all that happened was constant arguments were caused.

[Harold_Shand]

He is still a kid, if he is still like this at 23, chuck him out.
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Harold_Shand's theory might be the best explanation.

[kitty kat]

I was lucky in a way.
I had a hell of a time with my son from the age of 15. He was always in trouble with the police and a lot of the time it was me phoning them to report him, I contacted social services who were a waste of time. I got told I would have to really physically harm him at the very least or else kill him before they would help. I was actually at the point of killing him, especially when he stole my car and nearly ran some pedestrians down. I attended court and got advised to leave the court room before I got locked up when the magistrates gave him probation. I was literally at my wit's end. Daron also realised he was a problem and phoned SS to ask for help, he got ignored.

A friend of a friend stepped in and gave him a roof over his head, removed him from the scum that lived in our area and now I am the proudest mum in the world. He is at college studying motor vehicle maintenance, even going when he should be off ill and he is now someone I am proud to be seen with.

Can you not get your son on a housing list saying that from a certain date he will be homeless? I know in Blackpool there are hostels for youngsters up to the age of about 19 where there is a warden to supervise, but the kids have to look after themselves. my son put his name down for a place in one of these, but this friend took him in before the application form was sent.

My son now appreciates that I acting in the best way for him, I used tough love and stuck to my word. I told him he was going and I meant it, he left my home over 2 years ago now and it is the best thing that he has ever done. I refused to talk to him, cook for him, wash his clothes etc, I had actually reached the point of hating him and, god forgive me, wishing him dead. Now he doesn't live with me, we are friends again.

Sorry for the rambling, it brought back a lot of bad memories.

Advice, stick to your word but try and help him find somewhere to live within your deadline.
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